I Left My Heart In Williamsport

I woke up on the bathroom floor, covered in blood.

My lip was split. My nose was bleeding.

I sat up in the Lock Haven Emergency Room. My wife said,"You keep asking me the same questions."

"Shit," I said. "Concussion."

A tech leaned over me. "How do you feel? You had to get CPR."

"Did someone say stat? Tell me someone said stat. That would be really cool."

And then I was out again.

I looked out the window of the ambulance. "McElhattan. We're passing through McElhattan. There's an abandoned cemetery right over there."

The EMT leaned over me. "How do you feel?"

"I've had better mornings."

"We're taking you to the Williamsport Hospital."

I don't remember anything else after that.

I woke up in a bed in the Intensive Care Unit of Williamsport Hospital, or at least that's what I remember. Most of the morning had been flashes, fading in and out of consciousness. Michelle was in a sofa by the window. Seemed I rated a private room.

Awake. Aware. Alive.

A nurse was leaning over me. "My name is Allie, and I'm taking care of you," she said. "How do you feel?"

"It's not my finest moment," I said.
"Can you tell me your name and birthdate?"
"Lou, July twenty-third."
"Do you know where you are?"

"Williamsport Hospital. There any ghosts up here?"

She smiled. "I haven't seen any myself." 

"Bigfoot maybe walk down the hall?"

"Not that I've noticed."

She began to remove my clothes and get me into a hospital gown. I saw her notice my alien belt. "Yeah," I said,"I do UFO sightings, too."

She walked to a dry erase board and started writing things down. "You had a coronary event this morning. Your heart stopped for a moment, and your heart rate has been low. We're going to take care of you. Do you have any questions?"

"You're doing a pretty good job explaining things."

"Do you have any goals while you're here?"

"I kinda want to get back home, and do my work."

She wrote Get home, work on the board.

"Wouldn't mind finding ghosts in the hospital, as long as I'm here."

She wrote Find ghosts in hospital.

Allie said,"We've been monitoring you. You're going to be in bed for observation for a while. But first we're going to give you a temporary pacemaker and see how that works."

I nodded. I asked Michelle,"How's Paul? Is Paul okay?"

"He's fine. He was at his little friend's last night, and Tif has him now. He's going to spend the night at her place."

"How's Tif?"

"She's okay. She's worried about you."

"Did you call in to work?"

"I told them you won't be in today."

"Okay."

Allie and another nurse came in. She said,"We're going to take you down to get your temporary pacemaker put in. We'll be back in a little while."

I looked over at Michelle. "See you on the other side."

The first night in the hospital sucked. So did all the other nights, but that first one was the worst. I barely slept, connected to IVs and all sorts of electronic shit. I've never been really good at sleeping on my back anyway, and not being able to roll over didn't help anything.

I tried looking out the window for UFOs. But it was pretty dark, and I only really had a view of the brick wall just opposite, so unless a UFO flew between my ward and the next one, I wouldn't see any, and that was unlikely.

Michelle brought Paul and Tif in to visit me in the morning. It was nice to see them walk in the door. Tif sat down by my bed.

"How are you?" she asked.

"I'm doing okay. This would not be my preference, but I'm allright. Doctor readjusted the temporary pacemaker this morning, and no further incidents with my heart."

She glanced at the board. "Did you really say one of your goals is to find ghosts?"

"As long as I'm here."

"You didn't think to make a goal of getting better?"
"I was only clinically dead."

"I fed Cookie, Daddy," said Paul.

"Good job, kiddo. Good to know the hamster's being taken care of. You have fun in day camp?"

"Yeah! Wednesday is water day!"

"Well, you're gonna like that."

"I fed the dogs," said Michelle. "At first I forgot, but they reminded me."

"They'll do that. I'm hoping to get out of here soon. I got tours to give and articles to write. Shit. I promised Laura I'd get one in for Pride Month."

"I've talked to Laura," said Tif. "She says to not worry about anything and take care of yourself."

"That's basically the plan, believe me."

"Do the doctors have any idea what happened yet?" Michelle asked.

"Hell, I've barely seen any doctors. The nurses have been great. They're all keeping an eye on me. The food is pretty good here; I really liked breakfast." I touched the stitches on my lip. "Probably shouldn't have asked for a breakfast sandwich, though."

"How bad does it hurt?" Tif asked.

"Not too bad, really. This whole experience has been shockingly pain-free."

"Mom says they had to start your heart with electricity in the ambulance."

"Yeah, even that wasn't too bad."

'You have to take this seriously, Dad."

"Tif. I promise, honey. I'm going to be okay."

Allie came into the room that night---She'd been checking on me a lot. "Is there anything you need? Anything I can do for you?"

"I'm okay. I just want this over with so I can get back home, you know?"

"Do you need to talk?"

"It's hard being stuck in a hospital bed. I want to get home and do stuff. I have articles due, and tours to give. The night before I came here, I gave a tour of Water Street, and it was great. Now, I can't even go to the bathroom without help."

"We're going to take care of you," she said. "Our goal is to get you back on your feet."

"I know. Thanks. No offense, Allie, you're like my best friend in Williamsport right now, but I really want to get out of here."

"No offense taken. I don't blame you."

Breakfast was scrambled eggs---I'd learned my lesson from the sandwich---Sausage, fried potatoes, and a cup of coffee. They had me on a heart-healthy diet, which as far as I could see was indistinguishable from actual food. If they were slipping me decaf, it actually tasted pretty good.

A nurse named Tiffny came into the room. "Would you like to get cleaned up a bit?" she asked. "We can help you."

"Yeah, that'd be great. Thanks."

With Tiffny handing me things, I got washed up somewhat. She helped me brush my teeth, and I washed myself off some. I used a sort of bath cap to clean up my hair a little. It wasn't perfect, but considering how my last shower had ended, it felt pretty good.

"Would you like pants?" she asked.

"Hell, yes."

The pants turned out to be light blue pajama-like things. I'd worn dumber stuff. I was reading the latest Stephen King book, which Michelle had brought me, when Chris walked in.

"Chris!" It was surprisingly good to see him. "Thanks for coming!"
"I wrote a whole article about how I'm going to take over your tours," he said. "I'm gonna read it to you before I send it in to the Record."

"Sounds good," I said. "Can you tell them I may be a little late with this week's column?"

"They already know. You're big news, buddy. Do you need anything? Can I go mow your lawn?"
"Sadly, I already mowed it last week. It should still be good."

"Kate will come by with food later, so Michelle doesn't have to cook."

"Thanks. Food's always good. Appreciate that."

"Heard you died for thirty seconds."

"Yeah, that would be way cooler if I could remember any of it."

"No beckoning lights?"

"No lights at all, that I recall. No dead relatives. Too bad. I wouldn't mind seeing Hambone again."

He glanced at the chart. 

"Find any ghosts up here?"

"Nothing yet. In the ER in Lock Haven, they were convinced the fourth floor was haunted. Here, nobody's had any sightings or anything. I'm getting bored. Also, they won't let me out of bed."

"You heal up, buddy. I'm missing your tours."

"Hoping to get back to those soon."

While I was playing around with the TV remote, I found out that I had the option to watch movies. Which was good, as I had less than no desire to sit around watching game shows and Fox News. I ordered up Barbie and watched that, and it was as good as I remembered it. 

I sat in the dark, watching the window for UFOs. Nothing. I wanted to go home. I missed Paul. I missed Rosie and Butters. I wanted to get back to giving tours, writing articles. I wanted to wake up and be me again.

My next nurse was a redhead named Becca. She came in and helped me get cleaned up in the morning, and said,"We're taking out your pacemaker today. Your heart has been working on its own, and you don't need it."

"Good news," I agreed.

"A little later, would you like to go for a walk?"

"Is that an option? I'd love a walk. You got any haunted places in this hospital?"

She laughed. "Not that I know of. But we can walk around the ward. I'll have to follow you with a wheelchair, just in case."

"You do what you gotta do. There's a small black pouch in my pack over there, can you get it for me?"

She brought the pouch over. I got out my all-in-one EMF detector.

A little while later, Becca was helping me out of bed. I was wearing blue grip socks, the light blue pajama pants, and the hospital gown. That was going to have to be my current ghost-hunting outfit. I could feel I had a growth of stubble on my face; I hadn't been near a razor in days. Paul was going to hate that.

Becca unplugged me from everything---I was connected to a considerable number of monitors. She asked,"Any pain? Dizziness?"

"Nope. Nothing." This was true, though I wanted to get out of bed so badly I'd have lied if I was bleeding from my eyeballs.

With Becca following me with the wheelchair, I walked around the ICU in a loop. I was periodically checking my EMF detector, which remained firmly on zero. Tiffny was at the desk, and she said,"Looking for ghosts?"

"I gotta be me."

"Finding anything?" Becca asked as we walked down the hall.

"Not really. Not even anything explainable. You guys have this place wired really good."

"Is that what that measures?"

"Yeah, electrical fields. I'm getting no signs of ghosts, and no others. Your wiring is fairly good and modern, which is good." I leaned over and held it to an outlet. "Yeah, nothing. Normally, in the old houses I investigate, that would show something. You guys have really good wiring in this hospital."

We'd come back around to my room. Becca asked,"Do you feel up to going around again?"

"Yeah, I feel pretty good. Let's do it."

About halfway around, a woman met us at the room door. She said to Becca,"You should ask this guy about the Civil War. Or paranormal stories."

I grinned. There's always someone. "You recognize me, do you?"

"My husband and I attend all your talks at the senior center. When you walked by before, he said,'I think that's Lou.' And I said,'It couldn't be. What would he be doing here?'"

"Had a little bit of heart failure, actually. But I'm doing okay."

"Oh, no. You take care of yourself. We want to see more of your talks."

"I'm scheduled for next week, actually. I don't plan to skip anything."

We moved on down the hall. Around the corner, we went back to my room, and Becca let me sit in an actual chair. You have no idea what a novelty that is after being trapped in a goddamn bed for several days.

Becca came in Wednesday morning and told me I was going home, but in true hospital fashion, it didn't actually happen until the afternoon. Michelle was there all day. She'd been in most of every day while I'd been stuck in the hospital.

The doctor, whom I'd otherwise seen very little of, came to visit. "You're going to have a heart monitor for thirty days," he said. "That will give us more information, and tell us about what caused this. It'll just be a small thing, with a sticker, on your chest."

"Like Iron Man."

He smiled, but not like I'd been actually funny. "Yes. You'll have a device with you like a cell phone, and if you have any incidents, you can record it."

"Okay."

"Do you have any questions?"

"What can I do as far as activity? I ride a bike to work. I give tours."

"That would be fine. Some exercise will be good for you."

"How about coffee?"
"Coffee is okay."

"Alcohol. I usually have a beer or two before bed. Do I need to cut that back?"

"Did you drink more than usual before you collapsed?"

"No, it's been a long time since I had more than two."

"Alcohol wasn't the cause of this. So if you want to cut back for other reasons, that's good, but it didn't have any effect on this."

I nodded. "Okay. Thanks."

"I'll get a wheelchair," said Becca. "Michelle, you can get your car and meet us by the revolving doors."

Michelle left. Becca helped me get dressed again---I had a grey T-shirt that Michelle had brought me, nd jeans. I'd almost forgotten about jeans. She said,"I like your alien belt."

"It doubles as a bottle opener."

She rolled me down in the elevator, and I was outside for the first time in nearly a week. We found the Jeep, and she locked the wheels on the chair.

"Now, you take good care of yourself," she said. "We don't want to have you back here."

"That's the plan," I said. "Believe me."

She smiled. "Best of luck."

I climbed into the Jeep. Michelle said,"Ready to go home?"

"Been ready since Saturday."

"Paul and the dogs will be glad to see you."
"Yeah, me too."

She pulled out of the parking lot, and we started driving back to Clinton County. Back to Lock Haven. Home.

See You Later, Alligator

"I needed a new machete," I told Paul as we walked through Wal-Mart. "Can't find the old one; I don't know what happened to it. I figure buying a new one is the quickest way to find it."

"It'll show up tomorrow," agreed Paul.

"If I find it, you can have the old one."

"Really?"

"Sure. Is it irresponsible parenting to let my nine-year-old have his own machete?"
"No," said my nine-year-old.

I grabbed a seven-dollar machete off the shelf. Paul said,"What's this thing you're going to tonight?"

"Tomorrow, not tonight. I got no plans for tonight. Tomorrow I have the trivia fundraiser for the shelter. It's in McElhattan."

"Oh. Okay."

"It's at Henry Shoemaker's house, which is a winery these days. They're holding this for us as a fundraiser---I'll be the guy asking all the local history questions. Shoemaker is the guy who wrote all those ghost legends down; his place is probably haunted."

"Cool," said Paul. "I wish I could go."

"Can't take you to a winery, kiddo," I said. "You and me will do something special for your birthday."

I walked around the old house, checking my EMF detector. I didn't get too much, but I didn't want to spend too much time outside checking, either. I was needed in the winery area.

I walked inside, where a couple of other people from the shelter were waiting for me. Tara said,"Find anything?"

"Not this time. How'd you know I was checking for ghosts?"

"I know you."

"We only had one team register," said Carrie. "They win by default. They're okay with not competing, but they wanted to know if you could give them a talk about Henry Shoemaker, since we're on his property."

"Oh sure," I said. "I can do that."

"Just out of the blue like that? Are you sure?"
"Not my first rodeo," I said.

"How did it go?" my wife asked when I walked back in the door.

"Only one team, but we still wound up making about eighty bucks," I said. "I gave a speech on Henry Shoemaker. Where's the kid?"

"Out back, playing with his friends."

"I brought you a bottle of wine," I said.

I handed it to her, and she looked it over. "This looks good. We'll have to try it later."

I walked into the kitchen and dropped my pack onto a chair. I sat down and opened my laptop. It wasn't too likely I'd get an emergency message from the shelter, considering I'd just met with some of them, but I figured I'd better check. I checked my e-mail, and then looked over the rest of my messages. There was one about a speech in Renovo on Friday.

I walked back to Michelle. "What's your schedule like Friday? I've been asked to go talk to a kids' class in Renovo."

"I can get home to be with Paul."

"Okay." I went back to my messages. And I found a good one.

I went out back, where Paul was bouncing on the trampoline with a couple of his friends. They taken the garden hose to make it wet and slippery, because it wasn't already unsafe enough. I called the kid over to the edge.

"You're home!" he said.

"Just got in. Listen, little man, got big news."

"What?"

"Fifteen years ago, I worked on a project. It had to do with a Civil War submarine that sank in 1863. This was called the Alligator. There was a prototype model, smaller, that sank in New Jersey, and people have been looking for that, too. They may have found it."

"And you helped find it?"

"I helped."
"You can't even find my machete."

"I did some of the research that helped with this. My old friend Alice contacted me. They found some sort of big metal thing in the right river, and they're trying to raise money to get the equipment to find out more. It might be the Alligator Junior, and I helped with the research on that."

"Cool."

"Here's the thing---The guy who designed this thing, Brutus Devilleroi, lived here in Clinton County for a while. When I worked on this project, the government was convinced he made his money here. He lived up near Kettle Creek for a year and a half, and there's no record of him owning any businesses. When I looked into this fifteen years ago, I came up with the theory that he may have discovered a lost silver mine up there---There's documentation that there might be one. And now, they may have found the Alligator Junior, and my research went into that." I grinned. "And that, kid, means that we're involved."

I got into work in the afternoon, and checked my e-mail. I finished up a research job involving an article from 1940. I tried processing books. But no matter what I did, my mind was already pretty much up in Noyes Township with the lost silver. Finally I gave up pretending, and started working on that a bit.

I refreshed my memory on some of the stuff I'd dug up fifteen years ago. I started by checking Linn's History to confirm the silver, and I found that without too much trouble. There was a long paragraph about a man who'd seen the Native Americans up in the north end of the county canoeing down the Susquehanna with packs full of silver that they'd pulled from someplace. He'd searched for it throughout a couple of townships, but never found it.

I had a memory of Devilleroi living in what was now Westport, right where Kettle Creek met the Susquehanna River. The 1862 map confirmed that one; he'd been staying at a place owned by Colonel A.C. Noyes, and I was able to locate Noyes's place easily enough, right where I remembered.

Then I laid out an old warrant map on the table in the PA Room and started studying it to chart out where Devilleroi had owned. That's what I was doing when Chris came in.

"Hi, Lou. What's up?"

I looked up from the map. "I'm reopening the USS Alligator."

Chris is one of the few people I can open a conversation with in that way. "Really? What's it been, ten years?"

"Fifteen. I was called in on the Alligator in 2009. But there's news---They may have found the Alligator Junior."

"Was it off the coast of North Carolina?"

"That's the big one. This one was the little prototype, and they've detected a mass of metal in the correct river in New Jersey. They're raising money to study it further, and this brings back the question of the lost silver."
"You proved that, didn't you?"

"Fifteen years ago, I studied the land Devilleroi owned, and realized it was the same place where there were legends of a lost silver mine. The silver has actually been documented in Linn's, so it's not like it's just a rumor. Devilleroi was supposed to be lumbering the area, but there's no real record of him actually doing that. The government is convinced that he made the money here in Clinton County, so I came up with the theory that he may have found the silver."

"What minerals would form with silver?" Chris asked.

"Quartz, for one. Silver tends to piggyback on other minerals, so sometimes if you find quartz, you'll find silver."

"Is there quartz up in Noyes Township?"

I grinned.

"That's what I'll have to find out."

At the end of my shift, with nothing better to do, I decided to do a deep dive into the possibility of silver in Clinton County. I'm not a geologist, and only have a basic understanding of the principles, but I am one hell of a good local researcher. So I went to the index.

I found more than I expected. Looking up "silver" in the index gave me a lot of newspaper articles over the years. Some of them, I was able to dismiss as being too far away geographically for my purposes. I copied down the date of the earliest I could find----1871---As closest to Devilleroi's time. I got the microfilm and rolled it to the date.

It was about finding silver in Beech Creek Township and Centre County, which wasn't where I needed to be. But I was encouraged---It was possible to find silver.

The next one I looked at was from 1936, and more comprehensive than the first. It involved silver in several possible areas, including Elk and Potter Counties. I checked the map--Elk and Potter were both reasonably close to the area I needed. If there were reliable deposits in Elk and Potter, it was a reasonable guess that there might be traces in northern Clinton, too. 

So my target area, extrapolating off this article, was both Keating Townships, plus Leidy, Noyes, and possibly Chapman. And I wasn't getting there very soon to do a full-scale exploration---But in the near future, I was getting there.

The after-school program was in a church in downtown Renovo. I went in, and the instructor, Donna, gave me a hug. "Did the driver find your place okay?" she asked.

"Oh, yeah," I said. "Everything went smooth." Shockingly, I am at the point in my career where sometimes they'll send a vehicle to pick me up.

"Thanks for doing this," she said. "It's National Paranormal Day, and I thought you'd be a good program for today. The kids are all excited."

"Glad to be here. Thanks for inviting me."

I set down my bag, and the adults organized the kids and got them sitting down and passably quiet. The kids all seemed to be around six to eight years old. I stood in front of the bunch. "Hi, guys. Today is National Paranormal Day, and I'm a paranormal investigator. Does anyone know what 'paranormal' means?"

Hands went up. "It means ghosts." "Something you don't understand." "Stuff that's weird."

"All technically correct," I said. "Paranormal means things that we can't explain yet, like ghosts. I brought some equipment to show you, and my ghost-hunting outfit. You want to see my ghost-hunting outfit?"

Cheers. I was already wearing my uniform, so I dug into my bag and pulled out the vest. I put it on. One of the kids asked,"Isn't that heavy?"

"Kind of, yeah. You should see my other one. But you get used to it. Oh, can't forget the gloves."

I pulled out the gloves---I'd forgotten that with this vest, I'd brought the fingerless armored kind instead of the usual ones with the skulls on them. One of the kids asked,"If you hit a ghost with those gloves, would it hurt?"

"Would hitting really be the best way for the ghost and me to solve our problems?" I did a quick spin and showed off the vest. "It carries all my equipment, like this---Here's an EMF detector."

Excited chatter from the kids. They'd seen one of these before someplace. I demonstrated the detector, and the laser thermometer, and played them back an EVP. Passed around some of the equipment and let them take a turn checking it out.

The kids were clearly having a good time with all of this. I showed them how to make trigger objects and set them up. Then, while they were distracted, I slipped out for a moment.

Renovo is in Chapman Township, right by the border of Noyes. So it's pretty much centrally located to the northern part of Clinton County, which, geologically, is convenient. I walked south, heading for the river. In Lock Haven, the river is always north of you. In Renovo, it's south.

I thought about the last time I'd worked on the USS Alligator. It had been the winter of 2009, and I'd been called in by the NOAA to research. I'd been working for a local museum then, with a somewhat tyrannical boss and a teenaged assistant. Paul wasn't born yet, and Chris was still a couple of years away from showing up and becoming my best friend. LHPS had only formed a few months previously. 

I'd pulled all of the files from the courthouse, deeds, legal papers. For a while, I'd deepened the mystery, until I'd come up with the realization that Devilleroi had owned the same land as the stories of lost silver. I'd actually hiked up into the forests in the north part of the county to search for it, and found a couple of caves that showed some potential. I'd wound up getting mentioned on a national radio show on NPR for this stunt, which had been my first time on NPR but not the last.

Fifteen years ago.

I was conveniently already in my outfit. I walked across Huron Avenue, the main road through Renovo. Nothing to see here; just a guy in a military-grade tactical vest taking a walk across town. Renovo isn't that big; in a minute I was at the river.

I climbed down the bank. On a geological level, to test, the Susquehanna would probably be the least disturbed place, at least for my purposes. I got out a piece of litmus paper and tested the water, which turned out to be very mildly acidic. I poked around in the dirt, coming up with a few handfuls of dirt and stones. I sifted through, looking for something that wasn't just generic rock.

People are under the assumption that paranormal investigation is just going out and doing some exciting sitting around while the ghosts arrive. Television has a lot to answer for. To really be doing it right, you need at least a basic understanding of biology, chemistry, history...and geology.

After a little while, I found a white, sparkly stone. Quartz. I tucked it in my pocket, then climbed up the bank and headed back.

I slipped back into the room, where the kids were setting up their trigger objects. I said,"If you check these on Monday, you never know, they may have moved. You might have found something."

"Thanks for doing this, Lou," said Donna. "The kids are having a great time."
"Glad to help," I said.

 I sat in my office, digging through my old files. I'd been piling up folders full of information since 2006, and I'd had most of them organized into a box upstairs. I found the Alligator file from fifteen years ago and looked it over.

I was going to need to do more digging; add some documentation to it. This file had been compiled by a much younger guy, far less experienced. I'd done the best I could with it at the time, but I was fifteen years more experienced by now. Reopening the file again this summer, I could do better.

Paul came up the stairs. "Mom says it's almost bedtime, Daddy."

"Okay. I'll take the dogs out before bed. You remember the submarine job, with the lost silver?"

"Yeah."
"I took a few samples today. I found quartz and acid. That means it's possible there's actually some silver up there."

"Cool! Are we going to look for it?"
"Over the summer, yeah, I think we are. Maybe when I go up to do my annual talk at Hyner this year."

"Fun."

I walked out into the hallway. "See this poster, kiddo?"

Paul looked at the USS Alligator poster I'd had hanging in the hall for his entire life. "Yeah, I know that one."

"I got this during the last round of research. It's actually about all I got paid for that job. I made a lot of progress on this last time I looked into it. This summer, we're gonna do it again."

"Cool!"
I smiled. "Get to bed, kiddo. I'll be right with you."

Mister Lou Goes To Washington

"How long until we go to Washington?" Paul asked.

"I think....three weeks?" I said. "That feels about right. April thirteenth."
He checked the calendar. "Yeah, three weeks. How come it says 'DC' on the calendar?"
"That's what they call it. America has two Washingtons. One is way out west. It's where Bigfoot originally comes from."

"Whoa."

"The other is closer to us. That's where the government is. It's Washington, District of Columbia, and that's why they call it 'DC'."

"Okay."
"I've been doing a little research," I said. "They say the Capitol might be the most haunted place in the world. There's a curse there, and some ghosts of presidents, and at least one Civil War ghost, and some other stuff."

"Tell me about the curse."

"I'm going to have to check that out, and explain it on the bus."
"Okay." Paul picked up his Hulk shoulder bag. "I'm gonna get packed."

The fun part of these trips is, well, you get to go on a trip. The downside is that my family has to get up at four in the morning to meet the bus at Michelle's workplace at six AM. This affects me a bit less than the rest of the family; I can go without sleep more than they can. Paul brought his favorite blanket to sleep on the bus.

To most people, the bus trip is something you have to sit through to get to the actual destination. I'm not like that. I enjoy riding the actual bus just about as much as being at the tourist destination. I used the time to read up on the ghosts of the Capitol a bit, and rearrange some stuff for the trip.

"The Capitol is said to have a ghost cat," I told Paul, sitting across the aisle. "There are several old presidents haunting the place, and probably the guy who designed it. Turns out he was a failed necromancer who tried to bring George Washington back to life."

"Cool," said Paul. "Can I have a Slim Jim?"

I dug into the bag I'd brought, filled with snacks, crayons, and paper. This was not my first rodeo.

I was expecting to get put through security at the Smithsonian, and I'd prepared accordingly. I'd switched out my usual Swiss Army Knife for a much cheaper model with a blue handle, which would the  be left in my pack on the bus. I'd replaced that with a small plastic multi-tool, which had a compass and thermometer, signal whistle, and magnifying glass. It would serve the purpose. I'd taken off my Bigfoot multitool keychain and replaced it with a plastic keychain Paul had made for me.

It wasn't the first time I'd be off my own territory and have to improvise equipment. As the bus rode through the darkness, I rearranged my small shoulder bag to include a first aid kit, camera, map of Washington, and after some consideration, I included an EMF detector. Let the feds confiscate it if they had to.

I ran a quick test, turning the K2 on as we passed through Liverpool. There's an old story about a haunting there; a dead man found in a tree. The K2 lit up to red in about the right place, which was about the most sensitive test I was going to get flying past on a bus at seventy miles an hour.

As we pulled into Washington, Paul looked out the window and was fascinated by the sights.

"Look, Daddy!" he said delightedly. "An ice cream truck! And there's tacos!"

"We're gonna see food trucks around all day, kid," I told him.

We disembarked at the National Mall, by the Smithsonian Air And Space Museum. I was wearing my ghost symbol sweatshirt and my new customized LHPS windbreaker. It had my name on the front and the LHPS logo on the back, and it looked official as hell.

"First stop is the Washington Monument," I said. "Now, Pipper, when I was about your age, my dad posed me for a photo that made it look like I was a giant and leaning up against the monument. We're gonna do that same thing."

"You told me that, but I don't understand how we're going to make me look giant," said Paul.

I grinned. "You'll see."

When we got to a distance from the Washington Monument, I stopped. About the same spot I'd posed, by my estimation, though I was working from memories that were over forty years old. I said,"Here, kid---Stand about here, and hold your hand up like this. Good. Now just give me a few seconds of holding still."

I maneuvered around with the camera for a moment, and then snapped the photo. Paul said,"I want to see it!"

I showed it to him, and he laughed. "That thing is gigantic!"

"Oh, yes. There's a law in Washington that no building be built taller than the Washington Monument."

The kid continually goggled at the monument as we approached. The nice thing about the National Mall is that you can pretty much see right across it---It runs from the Capitol to the Lincoln Memorial, and it's all within view. I took a moment to glance at the Capitol.

The United States Capitol Building. So much history. Some people say it's the most haunted spot in the country. And I'm here! Somehow, amazingly, I'm here.

We reached the path leading to the monument. I said,"Paul, I know you've heard this on my tours. Right around here, there's a little Washington Monument called Benchmark A. It's buried under a manhole cover, and it's the central point to the whole government mapping system. It's got data connecting it to three points in Lock Haven where there are benchmarks---The post office, the old train station, and the Civil War Monument."

I stopped at the edge of the grass, looking out over the field. Michelle said,"Go ahead. I know you want to."

I walked out into the grass, looking for the manhole. Around sixty feet in, I found it.

"I want to see," said Paul, catching up with me. 

"Here it is, kid," I said. "I've always wanted to see this. Benchmark A."

We walked down to the Lincoln Memorial, and then hooked around and went back in the other direction. I'd attempted to plan this out so we could do a circle with a minimum of walking, though there was still a fair amount of trekking involved.

"Look, kiddo, that's the White House. Joe Biden lives there."

"I feel sorry for him. So did Donald Trump."

"Yeah, but every president gets to decorate the office his own way. I'm sure Biden removed all traces of Trump."

"Can we meet Joe Biden?"

"Probably not---He's busy, but we can send him an e-mail later."

"Okay!"

We walked down to the Smithsonian Museum of Natural History with some help from the map I'd printed out. As we walked in, we went through a metal detector and then security guards waved us the rest of the way through. They didn't even check my bag. If I'd known it was that easy, I'd have actually tried to smuggle in a pocketknife or something.

"I want to see shark teeth," Paul declared.

"Well, if there's shark teeth anywhere, they're in here," I said. "Check it out, Paul---Dinosaurs over here!"

We looked at the dinosaur skeletons for a while, and then wandered back into the ocean area. I saw a coelacanth on display, and said,"Look, Paul! A coelacanth! Do you know what that is?"

"No."

"These fish lived at the time of the dinosaurs! Everyone thought they were extinct until some fishermen pulled one up in 1938. It turns out they weren't extinct; they just hadn't been seen for a while."

"So they're still around?"

"They still are."

We wandered around the wing a while, taking everything in. Paul was impressed with the skeleton of a wooly mammoth; I think he'd learned about those in school. I saw a huge set of Megalodon teeth in a case, and I said,"Pipper. Check it out."

Paul gasped. "Shark teeth!"

"Big, prehistoric shark teeth. Do these count?"

"Yeah, they do!"

Michelle sat down for a rest while Paul and I walked upstairs. I said,"Oh my god! Paul! Look! It's an Easter Island head! Do you know Easter Island?"

"No....Is it an island?"
"Yeah, it's an island. There are these giant stone heads there, and nobody's sure exactly how they were carved or put up. It's a big mystery; it's amazing."

"Cool!"

"These are so neat. I've always wanted to see Easter Island. Just a second, I want to take a photo."

"Can you buy me a hot dog?"

"Yeah, when we get outside we'll find a food cart, okay? What's your favorite thing today?"

"The mammoth skeleton. Maybe also the escalator."

We had tickets for three PM for the Air and Space Museum, which Paul had also wanted to see. We got in a line that ran for half the block, but points to the museum staff---At three on the dot, the line began moving and was handled pretty efficiently. A similar line in New York would have taken half the day.

After, it was getting closer to pickup time, so we walked around to the Mall side, and dropped onto a park bench. Michelle and Paul were pretty wiped out. I was sweating a bit, but still doing okay.

"You guys rest a while," I said. "I'm gonna go over toward the Capitol and check for a few EMFs."

Michelle waved a hand. "Have fun," she said.

I walked down the path in the center of the Mall, getting closer to the Capitol building. As I walked, I got out my EMF detector---Not the all-in-one model, but the K2, which I'd figured would be the most effective and easiest to replace if I got tackled by the Secret Service or something. Again I'd overthought that----There were people walking dogs, playing sports, and doing all sorts of stuff. Nobody was paying any kind of attention to me. In Lock Haven I'd have been mobbed with people wanting to ask about gravity hills.

Washington. I love Washington. I always feel like I'm the only guy there who never ran for student council, but it's a neat place with a lot to see, much of the good stuff clustered within walking distance. 

My K2 lit up to yellow. Hunh. I stopped, turned around, took a few steps left and right. It was going yellow intermittently, in one spot. Good sign.

So there was some electric frequency there. I looked around. There were street lights, which meant there were underground lines someplace. I lowered it to the ground and it stopped.

I walked over to a lamppost and checked. It went up to orange, which was explainable. There was supposed to be electricity in this thing. Not in the middle of the field.

I walked back to the center and continued closer to the Capitol. In random spots, the field would shoot up to yellow with no explanation. There was some sort of signal here, but nothing I could explain away.

I walked up to the reflecting pool, checking the meter. I looked at the Capitol---The heart of our country, the center of government. And here I was, doing my thing.

When I got back to Michelle and Paul, she was sitting on the bench. Paul was running around and drawing in the dirt with a stick. I sat down beside Michelle. She asked,"Find anything?"

"Yeah, I got a spike to yellow. That's a good sign. There's definitely something going on there."

"Daddy, I invented a new game," Paul said. "You want to play it with me while the bus comes?"

"Sure, little man," I said.

The bus rode roughly north, heading home. Paul was watching his tablet, and I was looking out the window---I like to watch the landscape roll by. You never know what you might see.

I reach across the aisle and nudged Paul. He looked up. I pointed out the front, at the sign we were approaching. "Check it out, kid," I said. "We're back in Pennsylvania."

Paul grinned.

I watched the state go past as we went north, and it began to get dark. A little while later, I saw the signs for Gettysburg, and I got out my K2 meter.

As we passed into Gettysburg, arguably the most haunted community in Pennsylvania, it lit up to red. The meter flickered back and forth, but I was getting consistent and high readings.

I smiled.

Headed for home.

Total Eclipse Of The Bark

Paul needed a black shirt for soccer practice. It's why I was coming out of the Goodwill on Clinton Plaza around the same time one of the groups was walking by from the local day care. I was about to get on my bike when I heard the word "ghost."

"Oh, look," said one of the workers. "It's Lou! He can tell us if there's a ghost here."
It was my friend April. She said,"Look at his badge, kids! He knows all about the ghosts."

The kids looked at me. I held up my LHPS badge on my jacket. I said,"Have they been seeing a ghost?"

"All morning," said April. "They've been running around saying a ghost is coming."

I took a moment to consider how to handle this professionally and without scaring the kids. Then I went with the truth.

"The ghost here is named Ken," I said. "He was a really nice guy who used to work here."

"Ken, the friendly ghost," said April.

"He worked in that store over there. And he had a cool go-kart that he used to ride around the parking lot sometimes. He'd have loved you guys." All of this was true.

"See?" said April. "I told you he'd know all about it."

"I'm here," Zach said.

It's our code---Every workplace has them. At the library, at the changing of the guard on the front desk, that's the signal that the new person is ready to take over: "I'm here."

I stood up. "All yours, man."

"Anything exciting going on?" he asked.

"Not on duty," I said. "Got a message from my friend Norman---He's gotten an influx of dogman sightings recently, and I may look into that."

Zach frowned. "Dogman? You're gonna have to explain that."

"Half man, half dog. Like the South Carolina Lizard Man, or the Mothman, except---"

"Okay, I get it. And these are around here?"

"Some of them were. One seems to be in a picnic area west of Renovo, which maybe isn't there anymore. One was down in Sugar Valley---The eastbound I-80 rest area near Greene's Gap. I may check them out; it's been a little slow lately."

"Isn't the county's official monster some sort of dogman?"

"I do have a type."

The phone rang, and I picked it up. "Ross Library. No, we're out of the eclipse glasses. Maybe more are coming in Thursday. I've heard City Hall may have some. Yes, have a good day." I hung up.

"I fielded five of those calls earlier," said Zach.

"Yeah, people are dying for those glasses to see the eclipse Monday," I said. "Paul's school is going to take the kids out to see the beginning of it. We'll be here at work."

"We saw one from work a few years ago," Zach pointed out. Zach and I are the two longest-lasting employees in the library.

"I remember it well," I said. "Probably be the same this time around, too."

When Michelle's phone rang after work, it was Paul. At nine and a half, he'd been growing a bit more independent lately, and he'd spent the day hanging around with one of his little friends. 

"Can I have a sleepover?" he asked. "We're at our friend's foster home."

Michelle glanced at me. I shrugged; no reason why not. I said,"We'll pack you a bag."

"Bring pajamas. And shorts. And bring my Stanley," he said.

"Can do. We'll be there in a bit."

"And bring my ghost-hunting stuff," he said. "The kids want to check the house for ghosts."

I smiled. "Okay, buddy. Be right down."

Ten minutes later, I was handing over Paul's bag at the door to the foster home. One of the girls said,"I recognize you---You do the ghosts---"

"That's me, I'm a ghost hunter." I nodded to Paul. "I brought you my spare chest rig. It's got two thermometers and an EMF detector. That be enough?"

He nodded. "Yeah."

I kissed him on the head. "Have fun, little man. I'll see you tomorrow."

With Paul away on a sleepover, I found I had nothing to do particularly. I sat down and worked on an article for a while, wrote about Millbrook Playhouse. I wandered around the house and finally stopped to talk to my wife, who was watching TV.

"You gonna watch the eclipse with Paul?"

"When he gets home from school, yeah."

"Got anything red and green to wear?" I asked. "I've read about an effect called the Purkinje Effect that changes the tones of the colors a bit. I figure I'll wear my green alien shirt."

"That's interesting," said Michelle. "I'll have to check."

"Eclipses cause all sorts of effects," I said. "Color, temperature, animal behavior...."

I trailed off. Michelle returned to watching TV. I went back to my laptop and did a little research on animal behavior during an eclipse.

People often don't get it, about paranormal investigation. The TV shows make it appear as if it's just a bunch of screaming and running around. But to do it correctly requires a lot of information. It helps to have a certain understanding of history, biology, astronomy, geology, and other subjects. 

Animals react differently during an eclipse. With the sun going dark mid-day, it's confusing for them. (Some humans don't have much of a grasp on it, either, apparently.) So it was reasonable to expect some odd activity from animals.

And maybe dogmen.

Next I checked to see what kind of a view I was going to be able to get. While I was working, I wasn't going to get anywhere near the locations of dogman sightings during the eclipse, even if I wasn't working the desk. But thanks to the dubious magic of technology, I might still be able to check things out.

I did a search for webcams in Clinton County, Pennsylvania. Hey, the Loch Ness Monster has its own webcam, why not check for a dogman on one? Hot damn, there was a site that listed a bunch of them. I checked through the list---One was right where I needed it to be, in Greene Township along Interstate 80. Better and better. I clicked on it and played it a bit. Good view. It could even record and play back. This was just about perfect.

I copied the link and e-mailed it to myself. I was going to be able to look for a cryptid instead of working.

The day of the eclipse, I wore my green UFO shirt and a red bandanna. Purkinje Effect. I sat down at my desk and opened up the I-80 Webcam, and let it run. The cam was run by PennDOT, which had apparently done something right for a change.

Then I went to cover the main desk. "I'm here," I said to Jenn.

"I have the viewer I made outside," Jenn said. "Do you want me to cover for a while so you can go look?"

"Nah, I'm okay," I said. "We got a while before it really starts to get underway."

I alternated between glancing out the window, and checking the webcam. Nothing on the cam. It had probably been a long shot anyway. It was cloudy, which blocked the eclipse somewhat, but after a while, I could see it beginning to get darker outside.

Paul and Michelle came in, and I smiled. "Hey, buddy! How's it going?"
"Not good," said Paul. "These eclipse glasses the school gave us don't work."

"Don't work?"

"I couldn't see the eclipse."

Jenn came back. "Would you like me to take him outside to use the viewer?"
"Sure, thanks. Paul, go on outside with Jenn."

Michelle followed them out, and I walked to the back window and tested Paul's glasses. They were fine; he'd just not been able to see because of the clouds. When he came back a few minutes later, he was grinning.

"Did you see it okay?" I asked.

"Yeah!" he said.

"I checked your glasses; they're okay. Want to check it out through the back window with me?"
"Okay."

We walked to the back of the building, where there were tall, narrow windows facing southwest. I put his glasses on him, and said,"Look up, between the clouds. There."

He grinned. "Cool!"

"You see it?"

"Yeah!"

"Okay, we've gotta get going," said Michelle. "I still have some work to do."

"I'll walk you out," I said.

It was getting darker when we got out into the parking lot. I hugged Paul and watched them drive off. Then I pulled on his glasses---He'd left them with me---And I stood for a moment, looking up at the sun. It was entirely covered at this point.

Totality.

I went in and checked the cam. No dogmen, no cryptids of any kind. That meant I was still going to have to get to the site sometime to check things out.

But it didn't matter. I'd gotten to watch the eclipse with my boy.

I wonder what other cryptids I could look for via webcam?.....

Paul was getting ready for bed. This always takes far longer than it should; kids drag bedtime out incessantly. While he unrolled a sleeping bag on the floor, I asked,"Forgot to check. How was your investigation the other night?"

"Great," he said. "We got an EMF in the back yard."
"Really? Did you check for power lines?"

He nodded. "There was no reason."

"Good work."

"I liked the eclipse," he said. "It was fun."

"Well, you know, there's a lunar eclipse coming up in September," I said. "We can stay up to watch it."

"Yeah. That'd be good."

"I'll mark it on the calendar, little man," I said. "Sleep well."

Feeding The Goblin

"Oh, I like your shirt," the woman said as I checked out her books. "I like the Mothman."

I looked down at the grey Mothman sweatshirt. "Oh, thanks. Mothman is one of my favorites; I've investigated him."

"Really? After he killed all those people?"

I glanced at her. "I have no idea what you're talking about."

"In the movie, the Mothman is responsible for a lot of deaths."

"You understand the movie is pretty much fictional, right?"

"Well, yeah, but Mothman killed all the---"

"That's all made up. They do it for drama in the movie, but none of that really happened."

"Really?"

"Really. Look. I investigate these things scientifically. Here's the deal: In November of 1966, a bunch of people saw a creature with wings and glowing red eyes in an abandoned area of Point Pleasant, West Virginia. It may have been a sandhill crane. There. That's the only actual facts about Mothman."

"But that guy, who had a wife, with cancer, and the Mothman---"

"Again, not real. The movie is not real."

"But in the movie----"

"Forget the movie. Once again, nothing in the movie is real." I hate slow learners. "Here you go." I slid the books across to her. "These are due on the twenty-fifth. Have a nice night."

I bumped into Tami and Juno downtown, in the neat little crystal shop while I was out delivering flyers. The place is not my normal sort of hangout, but it's pleasant, and I love the owners. There was a sign on the tip jar that said "Feed the Goblin."

Tami smiled. "Hi, Lou! How's everything?"

"Doing good. We still on for Saturday?"

I saw Juno, Tami's kid, grin. Tami said,"Yeah, we've had some activity. So we'll have the meeting there, and investigate the house. We have all our rainbow flags up right now, making it the gayest house in Lock Haven."

"I'm excited," I said. "Been a while since we've done a full-scale investigation, and it'll be a good way of training our new people. I'm looking forward to it." I dropped a dollar into the tip jar. "I like the idea of feeding a goblin."

I pulled on my tac vest---The stylish-looking one with the LHPS badge. I had my uniform on, and zipped the vest over it. I pulled on my new fingerless gloves, the kind with the hard knuckle protectors. Then I walked out of the house where the kids were all playing outside.

"See you, Dad," said Paul. 

I gave him a hug. "Home tonight, kid, and then I'll let you stay up with me."

Serena's mom looked over the outfit. "Oooh, where are you off to?"

"Oh, got an investigation tonight. We're training new people."

"Cool!" said Serena. "When will you be home?"

"Eight or nine. Depends on how much activity there is. I'll tell you all about it later, maybe bring some pictures for you."

A new girl, Heaven, asked,"Wait, where are you going? What?"

"I'm a ghost hunter."

"Oh."

"So am I!" said Serena. "He's teaching us."

"Dad, can you bring me more nail glue?" Paul asked. "I'm out."
"I'll make a stop on the way," I said.

"I'm going to roller skate along with you to the end of the block!" said Serena.

"Me, too," declared Heaven, getting on her bike.

So that's how I headed off to our investigation---On my bike, followed by a parade of children.

The LHPS outfits are designed to be functional on an investigation. They are not designed to be exactly invisible in public. When I stopped at the Dollar Store for nail glue, the cashier looked me over in my tac vest.

"You some kind of cop or something?" she asked.

"Paranormal investigator," I said.

"Oh, yeah? This place haunted?"
"Not that I know of," I said as I pocketed the nail glue.

"You know, we're at seven member now," I said, sitting in Tami's living room. "I like this. Even when we can't all show up, we still have enough for a team."

 I was sitting with Millie, Tami, Tami's wife Bre, and the new guy, Tim. Bre said,"Lou, did you see the new tattoos we got?"

She and Tami held out their arms---They'd gotten matching ghost tattoos. I said,"I saw those! Love them!"

Tami said,"By the way, Lou, we were at the Oddities Festival recently---"

"I saw the Facebook post."

"We brought you something."

"Aww, thanks." Tami handed me a button, and I looked at it. "It's the Giwoggle!"

"The vendor had no idea how to pronounce it, but he likes the legend," she said.

"So you know this guy has read my articles. You two are my favorite lesbian couple."
Bre smiled. "I love when people say that. Means we're doing better than those rival lesbians from Avis."

"I need more rivals," I said. "I'm hoping for an arch-enemy, to the point I may put an ad in the classifieds."

"Well, I'm headed out," said Bre, standing up. "I don't want to encounter any ghosts, so I'm going down to the Dutch Haven for a couple of drinks. You guys have fun."

We all stood up. Tim said,"I bought this attachment for my phone---It detects heat..."

"A thermal imager!" I said. "Nice! I have a hand-held one, but yours looks more sensitive than mine."

I began pulling on my vest and fingerless gloves. Tim said,"Ooooh, I like that."

"Thanks," I said. "It has pockets!"

"I really like that. Where did you get it?"

"Amazon, of course. When I was first starting out, I tried everything," I said. "My pockets, bags, belts. Finally I lit on the tactical vest, and these work. This one is mostly for residential LHPS work---I have others for other functions, and one sort of for any occasion---UFOs, ghosts, buried treasure, whatever."

"That's got style," said Tim. "Can I take your picture?"
"Sure. Women love the vest. Men...love the vest. Dogs and cats---"

"Hold still."

He snapped a photo of me, and then one around back, where I had attached "Black Lives Matter" and LGBTQ Ally patches. He said,"I've been carrying my satchel, but I may just get one of these. That looks great."

I grinned. "I like having a sassy gay friend. I can send you links to these. And check this out." I lifted my sweatshirt to show him my new customized belt with the LHPS logo on it.

"Now, that's cool," said Tim.

"I've discovered you can customize anything on Amazon."

"Last time we investigated, we had a lot of activity on the stairs," Tami said. "It seems to focus there. Let's try that."

"Sounds good," said Millie.

At the top of the stairs, we took some readings. I alternated between my EMF detector and my laser thermometer. The cat, Pico, kept chasing the laser.

"Let's get the recorders on," I said. I'd been restocking my vest with some new equipment, and the new recorder was lightweight and easy to use. I clicked it on and did the usual ritual: "February 10, seven eleven PM, Tami's place, second floor hallway. Lou."

"Tim."

"Millie."

"Tami. And Pico."

"Is there anyone here?"

"Can you tell us your name?"

We tossed around a few questions like that for a while, leaving silent spaces in between the questions. I've noticed it's hard to keep that up for more than a few minutes at a time---Maybe some people can do it longer, but I can't.

Tami said,"Bre just texted me. At the bar, they're asking her what's the most haunted place in Lock Haven."
Obviously, a question aimed at me. "I'd have to say the old jail. Down on Church Street. We investigated it years ago, around 2012, and we got a lot of activity. The only guy ever hung for his crime in Clinton County was hung in that jail."

"Cool," said Tami, and texted Bre back.

"I gotta drive by there," said Tim. "I keep meaning to."

"Getting EMF readings," said Millie.

She was sitting on the stairs. I was behind her, sitting in the bedroom doorway, and I could see her EMF detector beside her. It was flickering green to red, repeatedly, up and down.

"Getting photos," I said. I brought out my camera and snapped several shots of the stairs, Millie and Tim sitting beside each other at the top.

"I'm getting something on my thermal," said Tim. "See that blob at the bottom of the steps? What's that?"

We could all see it on his screen. I said,"Heat from a light above? Tami, is there a light in the ceiling above that landing?"

Tami shook her head. "No, nothing there."

"Rules that out, then."

"It's moving," said Tim. "Coming up the stairs."

We could all see it---On Tim's phone screen, the heat signature was moving up, one step at a time---And there was nothing there. Millie's EMF detector flashed red as the signature reached the top of the stairs.

"I've never seen this happen before," I said.

It reached the top, then moved back down to the bottom....And disappeared.

"That....was amazing," said Tami.

I cheered,"Yes!!!"

After, we all gathered back in the living room. Bre returned. And for a while, we were just a bunch of friends, hanging out.

"...So I walked in, and everyone was asking where Tami was," Bre was saying. "And I said she was on a paranormal investigation. So then of course everyone wanted to know all about it. And of course Lou's famous."

"I get that a lot," I said. "I mean, who the hell am I?"

"So they started asking all sorts of questions, which I didn't really have the answers to....You're gonna hear it all next time you go with me, babe," she said to Tami. "Lot of people down there are into this."

"I really want to get one of those vests," said Tim. 

There is just something about having a gay guy approve of the way you dress. "I'll send you the links," I said. "I don't think they're making this model anymore, but there are others that are just as good."

"You have as big an online shopping problem as I do."

"Oh, yes."

"Well, I better get going," he said, standing up. "Can I see you out, Millie?"
"Yes, please."

"Better head out myself," I said. "I told the kid he could stay up late with me tonight."

I left my bike in the front yard and walked in through the front door, into my own haunted house. Paul was waiting for me on the couch, and he looked up when I came in.

"You're home," he said. "Finally."

It had been two hours since I'd left. I said,"We had a good investigation, kiddo. How you doing?"
"Good."

"Great. Let me change out of my uniform, and then I'll be right with you." I smiled at my son. "You want to watch a movie?"

Backdoor Pilot

I don't understand why the schools schedule the kids to get up far too early to be any kind of productive. Personally I handle it with coffee. I was drinking out of the ghost-hunting mug Tim had gotten for me when Paul came into the kitchen.

"Your mom called from work," I said. "The school sent out a message. They closed down, so you'll be at home learning online today."

Paul looked out the back door window. "It's snowing out!"

"It's coming down pretty hard," I agreed. I was wearing my "Yeti For Action" shirt. "So you do a couple of hours of online school, and then we'll have internet problems and just hang out."

"Okay."

I stood up. Paul and I began dancing around the kitchen. "We got a snooow day! We got a snooow day!"

It was coming down really hard outside. I said,"Listen, kid, just so you're aware, this cold is nothing to screw around with. So just be careful. We will not be going barefoot. We will wear layers, and definitely a coat. This is Yeti weather."

"Will the cold leak out my bedroom window?"

"We'll make sure the curtain is pulled shut; that'll help. It'll also help if you don't kick the blankets off while you sleep. And for chrissake, wear pajamas."

"Aww."

"It will keep you warm, kid."

"Well, okay. Are we gonna look for Yeti prints in the backyard later?"

"Of course."

When I got home from work that night, there was an Amazon package on the kitchen table for me. "Can I open it, Daddy?" Paul asked.

I nodded, and he tore the package open. Three packs of cards came out.

"What are these?" he asked, examining one.

"They're Zener Cards," I said. "They detect bullshit."

He continued looking the cards over. I shuffled up a deck. "You know how some people say they have psychic powers? Talk to ghosts, see the future, and crap like that? Mostly, those people are liars or idiots. These cards help to test that." I held a card up, facing away from Paul. "Here. What do you think is on this card?"

"A square?"

I flipped the card around; it was wavy lines. I held up another. "How about this?"
"Square?"

It was a circle. Paul said,"Boy, I am really bad at this."

"You're not actually supposed to be good. Most of the people who say they're psychic are scammers, or just want to believe."

"So if I'm bad at this, it means I'm a sidekick?"

I laughed. "You're my sidekick no matter what. But most people will be bad at it. Most people get about one in five from sheer luck. If someone does better than that, they may have actual psychic powers. But most people don't." I held up another card. "How about this one?"

"Um....a circle?"

I flipped the card. "Nope. This one's a square."

It had warmed up the next morning. The girls came out the door after a five-minute wait. Our neighbors had lived next door for a year and a half, and we'd gotten close to the family. Paul and I walked the kids to the bus stop every morning, and I'd recruited them into a little club we called the Ghost Gang.

"Okay, guys," I said. "Bigfoot was in the neighborhood last night. Here's a training for you. There are Bigfoot prints all over the street, so I want you to follow them and figure out what he was doing."

I'd taught Paul paranormal investigation years ago. His little friends had expressed an interest, so I'd begun training them, too, because it's not enough that my life is weird, I have to inflict in on the children, as well. Besides, it kept them busy.

"There's one here!" Serena said. I'd gone down the street and chalked huge footprints all over the place the day before to give the kids something to do on the way to the bus stop. Paul ran ahead.

"One's here!" he said. "And here! Bigfoot crossed the street!"

"Very good," I said. "Now, if you find a print in nature, you're going to want evidence. I'll teach you how to make a plaster cast this summer, but for now, a photo will do." I got out my camera and my pocketknife. "When you get a photo of a Bigfoot print, make sure you put something next to it for context. That way, you'll be able to tell the size." I laid down the knife beside the footprint, and snapped a photo. Across the street, I saw Paul doing the same thing, setting down a container of slime and using his cell phone.

"The last print is down here, guys," I said.

"This is fun!" said Serena.

"Think I'll do this more often," I said. "I can train you guys on the way to the bus stop."

One Wednesday after school, with the kids playing out front on the sidewalk, I walked out back. I walked through the alley for a minute before settling on the shed next door. I pulled eight color-changing pencils out of my pocket and slid them in a small hole under the shed.

Then I walked back to the house, picked up a photocopy of a Sanborn map I'd made a couple days before, and marked a blue X by the shed at the alley. Then I went to find the kids out front.

I arrived as the discussion seemed to be escalating into "Let's ride this scooter off the porch and see what happens" territory, which made me feel pretty okay about interrupting. 

"Guys, come here," I said.

They all gathered on the sidewalk. I said,"This is a map to a hidden treasure. You guys have to work together as a team to find it."

"What's the treasure?" asked Sekiya.

"You'll find out." I handed the map to Paul. He looked it over, and said,"It's somewhere near this house. Four-sixteen."

"Which way is that?" asked Love.

"I think this way." The kids headed east down the block, counting off numbers. Love saw four-fifteen across the road, and then they spotted the right place.

I said,"Now, it'll help to orient the map. Turn it this way---See, the street is here? So put the street on the map in the same direction. Now, which way to go?"

After a moment of figuring it out, they set off in the right direction. Fortunately, all of our neighbors are used to this bunch trespassing through their yards. They ran back to the alley, and spotted the shed.
"Right there! Let's go in!"

"No....No, don't go in. Look at the map. Where's the mark?"

Paul looked. "Here, by the alley. I see."

They walked behind the shed, and Paul said,"Here!"

He reached in and pulled out the pencils. The kids all gasped. Paul said,"We found it! Who wants what color?"

It was thirty-four degrees when I got home from work, so of course I found the kids lying on the sidewalk in the dark. 

I was getting the mail when they spotted me. "Hi, Dad," Paul called over.

"Hey, buddy," I said. 

"We're looking at the stars," said Love. "Want to do it with us?"

"Hell, yes, I do," I said. "Wait here."

I was back out in a minute with my star chart, star scope, binoculars, and an old book. "Finding the Constellations" by H.A. Rey. I was wearing my "Bigfoot Saw Me But Nobody Believes Him" shirt and my puffy vest. I'd gotten the vest a year ago for investigating the ghost of a mobster, and I'd grown to love it. During the winter, I practically lived in the thing.

When I got back, Serena and Love were all excited. "We saw a UFO!"

"No kidding? What did it look like?"

"Like a star, white, but moving," said Serena. "Pretty fast."

"Did it keep moving, or did it sort of disappear?"
"It disappeared."

"You probably saw a meteor, which is itself pretty cool. Love that." I set everything down, and said,"You guys are gonna like this. Look, I can see Orion the hunter from here. See, there's his shoulders, there's his feet, there's the three stars in his belt...."

"I see it!" said Love excitedly.

"See the little cluster, just below the belt? That's his sword."

"Well, kinda," said Love. "It doesn't look much like a hunter."

"Yeah, the ancient Greeks were pretty imaginative. Sometimes you gotta squint."

"What's this?" Serena asked, looking at the star chart. 

"That's a star chart. Careful with that, I've had it since I was a kid. See, we can line it up---February fifth, at eight PM----And see? There's Orion."

Serena gasped. "I can see it! It makes sense now!"

"Yeah, the ancient Greeks used a lot of imagination when they named these constellations. Want to see the Big Dipper? We'll have to walk around to the back door." The kids followed me to the back yard. "Okay, over there's the Big Dipper. The handle is pointing down, see?"

"Oooh, yeah," said Love.

"Paul, can you tell me which way is north?"

"That way."

"You got it. See, girls---Start with those two stars, and then follow along---That's the North Star. Polaris. That way is north."

"What's this?" Serena asked.

"That's a star scope. I use it when I'm investigating aliens." It was a tube, about six inches long and three inches thick, with a lens on one end. "Look inside. Aim it at the porch light." 

Serena looked in and gasped. She now had a view of the entire night sky, printed on a little plastic piece inside the tube. "I can see all the stars! What's the fish?"

"That's Pisces."

"There's a ram..."

"That's Aries."

"This is so cool!"

"Dad, can this book be my reading for tonight?" Paul asked.

"Sure," I said. He began reading the constellation book by lantern light. In the front cover was an old letter---My mother had sent me the book, and I still had the letter tucked inside there. I glanced at it.

Dear Monkeybrain, it began.

"This is so cool," said Serena. "We should do this every night!"

I smiled. "I could be persuaded to do this more often."

That night, in Paul's dark room, putting him to bed. I pulled the covers up over him, with Rosie and Butters lying at the foot of the bed. He said,"Daddy? I'm gonna need another compass."

"Oh?"

"I broke mine."

"The one from your backpack?"

"Yeah. The lens fell off. It's outside by the lawn chairs."

"Well, compasses are cheap and easy enough to get. Why is it outside?"

"I put it out there for an emergency," Paul said. "Like, if the house burned down and we needed to get to a hotel, and the hotel was north, we could go find one."

....It's possible that I'm overtraining this kid.

"Well, it's good to be prepared," I told him, running my hand over his head. "But don't worry---House has been here since 1884. It's not gonna burn down. I'll get you a new compass. Do you want one like you had, or one like I had when I was a kid?"

"I want one like you had."

"Okay, kiddo. I'll get you one." I kissed him on the forehead. "Goodnight, little man. Get some sleep."

Four Calling Thunderbirds: The 2023 Christmas Special

Outside on Bellefonte Avenue, the streetlights were all decorated for Christmas. I could see it all from where I sat inside the coffee shop. I was sitting with Chris and his wife at the same table we always sat at, as if we were sitcom characters.

"Merry Christmas," I said to Chris. "I got you something."

I slid the small package across the table. He slid a pen out, and said,"Hey, pretty cool!"

"It's a multitool pen," I said. "This thing has a level, two rulers, and two screwdrivers in it. I take them on a lot of ghost hunts."

"I can work on the house with this!" he said. "Got you something, too."

I took a sip of coffee as he handed me a package. Wrapped in my column. I unwrapped it, and smiled.

"Henry Shoemaker's Black Forest Souvenirs! Thanks, man!" I paged through. "Cursed woods, healing springs....I think this book contains my next big mistake!"

Chris's wife, Kate, grinned. "He knew you'd like that."

"He was right. It's been a little slow lately; I can use something to keep me busy. I want the Minnesota Iceman for Christmas. I'm a size ten in UFO sightings."

It was raining when I took the kids down to the bus stop. Paul and I walked down with the neighbor kids, his little friends, whom I'd organized into a little group we called the Ghost Gang. It was the usual; insane kids running around, screaming at each other until the bus arrived. Nobody on Jones Street sets an alarm in the morning.

I was whistling and didn't realize it until Love looked up at me and asked,"Are you whistling?"

"Oh. Yeah. Didn't really notice. Christmas songs, you know?" I sang softly,"Oh, I....don't want a lot for Christmas...."

"Hey!" said Serina. "I know this one!"

I grinned at her, and she started singing, too. "....There is just one thing I need...."

Love smiled, and then joined in, and Sekiyah and Paul started, too. It was beginning to flurry.

I don't want a lot for Christmas,

There is just one thing I need....

And I don't care about the presents

Underneath the Christmas tree....

I just want you for my own

More than you could ever know....

Make my wish come true....

Baby, all I want for Christmas

Is you.

The kids started dancing on the sidewalk, and we all sang together. Good times with the kids.

I don't want a lot for Christmas,

There is just one thing I need...

And I don't care about the presents

Underneath the Christmas tree

I don't need to hang my stocking there upon the fireplace,

Santa Claus won't make me happy with a toy on Christmas Day....

I just want you for my own

More than you could ever know....

Make my wish come true....

All I want for Christmas

Is you.

I took a shower and threw on my Loch Ness Monster sweatshirt, sat down and wrote an article based on the book Chris had given me. I ordered some Christmas gifts for the family---A rolling pin for Michelle, a shirt for Tif with a pattern composed of words from her favorite book, and a Julius Caesar pencil holder for Biz. It had seven holes in the back to stick pencils, and it screamed Biz. I got Paul just about everything Amazon sells, which was what he'd asked for. Then I checked my e-mail.

An e-mail had come in on my PA Wilds address from one of my editors, Britt. In response to one of my articles, a witness to a thunderbird sighting had come forward. He'd provided a detailed description of the cryptid and the location, which I was familiar with.

It had gotten considerably colder by that afternoon, when I went to get the kids from the bus stop, I said,"Hey, guys, you'll like this. I got a thunderbird sighting this morning."

"What's a thunderbird?" asked Serina.

"Big giant bird, the size of a car," said Paul.

"That's right," I said.

"Can I see it?" Sekiyah asked.

"What? No, I....I don't have the actual bird. It was just a report from someone who saw one. It was an e-mail."

"Where?" asked Paul.

"Up in Cameron County. You've been there; we stopped by after investigating those vampires and South Bay Bessie a few years ago. I'm going to have to investigate this one. Last year, it was a Wendigo. This year, a thunderbird."

"Can I come?" asked Sekiyah.

"I'll see what I can do."

I was wearing my X-Mas alien shirt, and Millie had a bright red sweater. We all had some sort of festive outfit on as we sat around the table at our LHPS meeting: Me, Millie, Heather, Ashlin, Tami, and the new kid, Tami's kid, Juno.

"Well, first off, congratulations to Tami for winning her race for city council," I said. "This is the first time a paranormal investigator has been on city council. Does this make LHPS a government agency?"

"God, no," said Tami. "I have way too many of those already."

I laughed. "Tami, you said you're having some activity at your place?"
"Yeah, we've had things happening."

"Good. We need to train new people anyway. I propose that our next meeting be at your house, and we do an investigation. We'll train the new members, and keep ourselves busy."

"That works for me."

"Anyone want a glass of wine?" Millie asked. "I have some in the kitchen."
"Sure, I'll have a glass," I said.

Millie came back from the kitchen with the bottle. "I need you to help me get it open."

I popped the top off the wine, and she poured it. I took a sip. "Yeah, that's good. Now, we have our gift exchange!"

We'd started the gift exchange in our first year, sixteen years ago. At the time, the field leader had tried doing that stealing and swapping thing that people do for some reason, but everyone had always been satisfied with their gifts and never wanted to swap. So by the time I'd wound up as the leader, everyone just enjoyed what they'd gotten.

Juno got my present, a Lock Haven drink coaster. I ended up with Millie's, a sort of wand-shaped electronic lighter. I turned it over, and said,"Oh, Paul's going to love this. He likes burning things. We'll take this camping."

"I thought you might like that," said Millie.

"I got everyone something," I said, and handed them out. "Little multitools." Each one was a flat, wallet-sized piece. "There are about eleven different tools on these."

Heather looked hers over. "Nice."

"I mean, how many times have we been on an investigation and needed some sort of tool? I have one of these inserted in all my tac vests."

"You have more than one of those vests?" asked Tami.

Heather handed me a bag. "I got you something. Had to get it for you."

I pulled out a stuffed, knitted Bigfoot. I smiled. "I love it!"

"A friend of mine makes those. I thought it was perfect for you."

"You thought right," I said. "Looks like I do get to find a cryptid this holiday, after all."

At work, I had programs to plan and books to process. So I decided to say fuck it and  go investigate a cryptid instead.

I walked to the lobby and picked up one of the local maps from the tourist rack. Back at my desk, I did an online search for thunderbird sightings. One of my own articles was the first one that came up. It's interesting when that happens, but tells me nothing new. I marked the Cameron County sighting, then one I'd checked out a couple of years ago on the north side of the Susquehanna. There was one before that in Swissdale that Chris and I had investigated when we'd first met.

The Boss walked past my desk. "What are you working on?" she asked.

"Charting out our historic service distribution by township."

"Carry on."

I got a highlighter and made an orange mark on each sighting. There were some up around Kettle Creek, always the trendsetter in this regard. One in Jersey Shore, next county over. I ended up with a string of orange dots across my map.

"Hunh," I said.

I walked to the PA Room and grabbed Amazing Indeed by Robert Lyman. I knew it had a chapter on thunderbirds; there was even one depicted on the cover. I read through it and found a mention of the Native Americans reporting thunderbirds attacking whales for food.

Surprisingly, that actually checked out. Lyman described the area that thunderbirds were most seen in, and it was clustered in a comparatively tight area of north central Pennsylvania. 

With Lock Haven basically in the middle.

It was late. Paul and I were in the kitchen. Michelle had brought home two free hams from her company, and we had an extra from the local grocery store's points program. We also had a new oven with a "dehydrate" feature. I'd figured out that we could probably make ham jerky, but I'd found remarkably little instruction on how to actually accomplish this. So I was kind of winging it. Meanwhile Rosie and Butters sat on the floor, hoping for some of the ham to fall. Merry Christmas.

"I've been working on the thunderbird thing," I told Paul. "Called in my friend Kevin to do a little digging, too. You know what I found out?"

"What?"
"All of the sightings took place very near water---The Susquehanna River or its tributaries. So what does this tell us?"

"Thunderbirds need water."

"And what else?"
Paul thought it over for a moment. "Food!" he said.

"Right, food. And I found a mention in an old book about thunderbirds attacking whales, which makes sense---They'd eat fish from the river. So maybe if we wanted to see one, we'd have to go where there's fish."

"Maybe this summer!"

"Yeah, we can go looking for thunderbirds this summer. My witness sent me some pictures he created of the bird he saw, and it looks remarkably like an extinct bird called a teratorn. You never know---Maybe this summer, we can catch an ancient bird."

"Cool!" said Paul.

I laid out the ham strips on the tray, and looked them over. Then I slid them in the oven.

"Okay, let's see how long this takes. Hey. Got you something. This isn't exactly a Christmas present, so I guess you can have it early."

I handed him a package. He opened it and pulled out a sweatshirt---Black, with his name and the Ghost Hang logo on it. He smiled.

"Just like I wanted! Thanks, Dad!"

"Merry Christmas, little man."

Hello, Barkness, My Old Friend

It was seven-fifteen in the morning when I found Serina's mom next door outside with the new puppy. As the puppy bounced around in the grass, she said to me,"I got your message, I just didn't get a chance to respond yet. That's fine."

"Great," I said. I turned to Paul, who was coming out the front door. "Hey, kiddo, guess what? Serina gets to go to Grandpa's farm with us this weekend."

"Yay!" As Serina came out of her house, Paul said,"Serina! You can go!"
"Yay!"

"You're gonna love my Grandpa's farm," Paul explained to her. "There's a beagle named Miles, and chickens, and trees, and a pond."
"Bigfoot and ghosts," I added.

"Really?" Serina asked.

"There have been sightings."

"Well. I have to bring my stuff."

"Look, up on that hill," I said. "That's the Marshall House." I pointed to a big house on the hill above Palmerton. "It's haunted; some of my friends and I went up and explored there back in the eighties."

"Cool! Are we almost there?" Serina asked.

"Almost. You'll like the farm," I said to Serina. She was sitting in the back of the Jeep with Paul, watching their electronics. "There's dogs and chickens, and plenty of places to run around and explore."

"We can walk around unsupervised?" Serina asked me, somewhat incredulously.

"I don't see why not. If there's any place that's safe, it's Dad's farm. It didn't kill me as a kid, and I was actively trying."
"I want to show you Miles," said Paul. "He's a beagle that's as old as I am."

"Then he's as old as I am, too," said Serina. She was curled up under Paul's blanket. "This blanket smells like dogs."

"Everything we own smells like dogs."

"I love that." Serina took a deep breath of the blanket. "I didn't used to like the smell of dogs, but then we got Luna. Now I love that smell."

"It's very comforting to me, too," I said. "I used to go outside when I was little, and sleep in the doghouse. The whole thing smelled like our dog, and I always thought it was really nice. To this day, that's a very relaxing smell for me."

"Was that Miles?"

"No, Miles is much younger than that," I said. "I had a beagle named Hambone. He saved my life once."

"I thought a dog saved Paul's life."

"Different dog. That was Duke. Hambone was forty years earlier. He killed a snake that was going to bite me. He and I used to go down to a pear tree in the meadow, and I'd climb up and get pears for us to eat."

"I want to see the Hundred Steps!" Serina said as we drove through Slatington. 

"We're almost there," I promised. "The Hundred Steps used to lead up to a factory, but it was torn down. Now they just lead from one street to another street. And if you count them, it never comes out the same way twice. They say if you actually count a hundred, you disappear."
"Really?"
"Don't worry. I've only ever known it to happen once."

She turned to Paul. "Did you know about this?"

Paul nodded calmly. "I've done this before."

Michelle pulled into a lot, and we climbed out of the car. I said,"Guys. The steps are this way."

We walked to the top of a tall stone staircase that stretched for lierally a block down below. We began to walk downward, quietly counting each step. It took about a minute, and when we congregated down below, Serina glanced at me. I said,"Ninety-two."

"A hundred and fourteen," Paul said.

Serina grinned. "I got a hundred and six."

My brother was doing his thing, running the farm, when we got there. I got out of the vehicle, and the memories all came flooding back to me, as they always do. The farm where I'd spent the first third of my life. There were plenty of paths through the woods, but the path of my life had been set there. I walked to Jon and gave him a hug. He hugged Paul, and I said,"This is Serina. We adopted another one."

Serina grinned. "He's kidding. I'm actually their neighbor."

"Dad's down at the house, with Megan," said Jon. "Cousin Megan came for the weekend."

"Oh, that's great," I said. "I haven't seen Megan in at least twenty years."

"Come on," said Paul. "I want to introduce you to Miles!"

"You two have fun," I said. "You guys are the Ghost Gang now. When I was a kid, I had my cousins in a group we called the Ghost Gang, and we investigated this property. Looks like this is the first time the current Ghost Gang comes to the same place from almost fifty years ago."

"Is this place haunted?" Serina asked.

"Well, it goes back to 1836, and plenty of people have died here. For that matter, my mother died here twenty years ago."

As we walked across the yard, I stopped and pointed out a bush that ran about eight feet high. "Paul, did I ever show you this? This is what I called my tree house when I was little." I crouched down and moved through a small open space in the front. "Come on in."

Serina squinted at it. "We can get in there?"

"Come on and see."

Paul and Serina crept inside, and their eyes widened. It didn't look like it from the outside, but the entire bush was hollow, with nothing but branches on the inside. It made an open space the size of a very small room, and I sat down on one of the branches. "I used to spend hours in here when I was little. Nobody can see you from the outside. Those high branches, I called my attic."
"I want to climb up there!" said Paul.

I've always found little hiding spots, ever since I was a kid. Just about everywhere I've ever been, I've crafted little hideouts for myself. I have at least three at home, three or four at the library, and one in the shelter.

We walked down to the house. I grew up in an old brick farmhouse built in 1836. Paul had always struggled a bit with the back door, which had a weird sort of knob probably also from 1836. He tried it for a moment before he got it, and we walked into the kitchen.

Miles, a funny little beagle, ran up to us. Miles is very friendly; his sister Peggy is very shy. She immediately ran up the stairs and out of the danger of getting any attention. I gave my Dad and cousin Megan a hug.

"How have you been?" I asked Megan. "What have you been up to?"

She shrugged. "Oh, you know. Existing."

"I do that sometimes myself."

"You have not changed at all."

"I'm starting to get a little gray." I handed a magazine to Dad. "Brought you a copy of this one. It's my latest; it has two articles in by me. My editor asked for a piece on Pennsylvania cryptids."

"My sister Amy lives up near Vermont now," said Megan. "There's all these Bigfoot sightings. Her kids get all excited about the possibility of seeing Bigfoot. I've told them you're not supposed to be excited about seeing Bigfoot."

"We get excited about seeing Bigfoot," I said. "Sometimes when we're camping, Paul and I will break out the equipment and go check."

Megan asked my dad,"Does Miles need to go out?"
"Probably. You can take him outside and let him run a bit."

"Okay."

"So, getting a tree this year?" Dad asked.

"Thought I'd bring back two," I said. "One for the house, and one for the shelter. I gave them a free tree last year, and the staff loved it."

"Try down below, in the Frazier field," said Dad. "We have a few good ones down there."

I turned to the kids. "You guys ready to go pick a tree?"

Choosing the tree is the fun part. Cutting it down and then dragging it to the barn is the lesser part of that deal. The kids watched as Jon's assistant Scott used the machines to shake, drill, and bale the trees. Serina was rather fascinated with the whole thing.

"You know what?" I said, as the baler tied the tree tightly. "When I was young, we'd sometimes stick the littlest kid through that thing and tie him up."

"Nuh-uh!"
"Oh, yes. We really did."

"Then what would happen?"

"Usually we'd go in for lunch and let him work his way loose."

"What's that over there?"

"That's the root cellar, but I think the door's stuck shut these days. It's like an underground cave."

"I wish I could see it!"

"You want to see a cave? I have something to show you; it's very cave-like. Come on."

I led the kids down to the springhouse, and took them down the hill and into the basement. I said,"This is under the springhouse. The spring comes up there and runs through here." The whole thing was dark and rocky, with stones all over the ground. Paul and Serina looked around, impressed.

"You used to hang out down here, too?" Serina asked.

"Sometimes."

"That explains a lot about you." Serina looked around. "I am really having a fun time today."

As we emerged back out into the daylight, Paul said."Serina, you want another cup of hot chocolate? I can use one."

"Sure!"

"Let's go back up to the barn!"

As they ran back to the barn, I followed them up. I found Jon, his wife Amy, and Scott behind the counter. Scott asked,"Jon, should I smoke the alcohol now?"

"If you like."

"You are smoking alcohol now?" I asked. "Two bad habits in one?"

Scott pulled out a big jar of some amber-colored liquid. He said,"Want to try some?"

"Yeah. What is it?" I may have reversed the proper order of those statements.

"Jack Daniels honey flavor."

I took a sip. It was very smooth stuff. I said,"I like that."

He pulled out a black jar cap shaped like a skull. So far, I approved. He put it on the jar, filled it with some sort of wood chips, and started burning them with a miniature torch. He said,"This infuses the liquid with a smoke flavor, and makes it even better."

I watched as he burned up the wood chips. The smoke was drawn down into the jar, and slowly dissipated. At the nearby table, the kids were discovering what happened when they mixed peppermint chips into their hot chocolate.

Once the smoke was gone, he offered me the jar. I took another sip, and I could taste the smoky flavor that had been added to the whiskey.

"That is really good," I said. "Like having a drink and a cigar at the same time."

I went to the car and dug my EMF detector out of my pack. It was my all-in-one, and I wanted to check around a bit. I was wearing my sweatshirt with a ghost drinking coffee, and my puffy vest with a yeti badge on it. Not ideal for every investigation, but perfect for this particular one.

Watching the EMF detector, I walked down across the yard. I'd had a few experiences here before, and Dad had claimed to have had a couple. It never hurt to check.

I walked around the back of the house, near the barn. As I approached the barn, I got a flicker. I stopped, and turned. Just a little reading, not too much.

And then I realized where I was standing.

"Hambone?"

I was about at the spot where my dog had been buried, forty-five years ago.

"Is that you, boy?" I said softly. "How are you? It's been a long time, and I still miss you."

I turned off the EMF detector and slipped it into my pocket.

"Want to go down to the pear tree?"

I walked down the path to the meadow, to the spot where the old pear tree stood. I knelt down on the ground.

"I miss you, Hambone. You saved my life back then....I have a fund in your name at the shelter, did you know? I've done a lot since you knew me. And all the things I've accomplished, all the stuff I've done....It's all because you were such a good dog."

I had tears in my eyes. A moment later, I felt something at my elbow, and I looked down. Miles, coming to get a hug.

It was late that night. Paul was sitting on the couch, and we'd managed to get the tree into the stand in the living room. It was too big for the room, and I'd shoved it in so that it bent against the ceiling.

"I kind of like it like that," said Paul.

"Yeah, it sort of amuses me. I'll talk your mother into leaving it that way, which will be easy since she doesn't use the saw."

"Can I have hot chocolate?"

"Sure," I said. "You want it in my Bigfoot mug?"

"I want the Christmas tree farm mug," said Paul. "The one from Uncle Jon's farm."

I smiled. "Okay."

"I had a good time today," he said.

"Me, too."