Four Calling Thunderbirds: The 2023 Christmas Special

Outside on Bellefonte Avenue, the streetlights were all decorated for Christmas. I could see it all from where I sat inside the coffee shop. I was sitting with Chris and his wife at the same table we always sat at, as if we were sitcom characters.

"Merry Christmas," I said to Chris. "I got you something."

I slid the small package across the table. He slid a pen out, and said,"Hey, pretty cool!"

"It's a multitool pen," I said. "This thing has a level, two rulers, and two screwdrivers in it. I take them on a lot of ghost hunts."

"I can work on the house with this!" he said. "Got you something, too."

I took a sip of coffee as he handed me a package. Wrapped in my column. I unwrapped it, and smiled.

"Henry Shoemaker's Black Forest Souvenirs! Thanks, man!" I paged through. "Cursed woods, healing springs....I think this book contains my next big mistake!"

Chris's wife, Kate, grinned. "He knew you'd like that."

"He was right. It's been a little slow lately; I can use something to keep me busy. I want the Minnesota Iceman for Christmas. I'm a size ten in UFO sightings."

It was raining when I took the kids down to the bus stop. Paul and I walked down with the neighbor kids, his little friends, whom I'd organized into a little group we called the Ghost Gang. It was the usual; insane kids running around, screaming at each other until the bus arrived. Nobody on Jones Street sets an alarm in the morning.

I was whistling and didn't realize it until Love looked up at me and asked,"Are you whistling?"

"Oh. Yeah. Didn't really notice. Christmas songs, you know?" I sang softly,"Oh, I....don't want a lot for Christmas...."

"Hey!" said Serina. "I know this one!"

I grinned at her, and she started singing, too. "....There is just one thing I need...."

Love smiled, and then joined in, and Sekiyah and Paul started, too. It was beginning to flurry.

I don't want a lot for Christmas,

There is just one thing I need....

And I don't care about the presents

Underneath the Christmas tree....

I just want you for my own

More than you could ever know....

Make my wish come true....

Baby, all I want for Christmas

Is you.

The kids started dancing on the sidewalk, and we all sang together. Good times with the kids.

I don't want a lot for Christmas,

There is just one thing I need...

And I don't care about the presents

Underneath the Christmas tree

I don't need to hang my stocking there upon the fireplace,

Santa Claus won't make me happy with a toy on Christmas Day....

I just want you for my own

More than you could ever know....

Make my wish come true....

All I want for Christmas

Is you.

I took a shower and threw on my Loch Ness Monster sweatshirt, sat down and wrote an article based on the book Chris had given me. I ordered some Christmas gifts for the family---A rolling pin for Michelle, a shirt for Tif with a pattern composed of words from her favorite book, and a Julius Caesar pencil holder for Biz. It had seven holes in the back to stick pencils, and it screamed Biz. I got Paul just about everything Amazon sells, which was what he'd asked for. Then I checked my e-mail.

An e-mail had come in on my PA Wilds address from one of my editors, Britt. In response to one of my articles, a witness to a thunderbird sighting had come forward. He'd provided a detailed description of the cryptid and the location, which I was familiar with.

It had gotten considerably colder by that afternoon, when I went to get the kids from the bus stop, I said,"Hey, guys, you'll like this. I got a thunderbird sighting this morning."

"What's a thunderbird?" asked Serina.

"Big giant bird, the size of a car," said Paul.

"That's right," I said.

"Can I see it?" Sekiyah asked.

"What? No, I....I don't have the actual bird. It was just a report from someone who saw one. It was an e-mail."

"Where?" asked Paul.

"Up in Cameron County. You've been there; we stopped by after investigating those vampires and South Bay Bessie a few years ago. I'm going to have to investigate this one. Last year, it was a Wendigo. This year, a thunderbird."

"Can I come?" asked Sekiyah.

"I'll see what I can do."

I was wearing my X-Mas alien shirt, and Millie had a bright red sweater. We all had some sort of festive outfit on as we sat around the table at our LHPS meeting: Me, Millie, Heather, Ashlin, Tami, and the new kid, Tami's kid, Juno.

"Well, first off, congratulations to Tami for winning her race for city council," I said. "This is the first time a paranormal investigator has been on city council. Does this make LHPS a government agency?"

"God, no," said Tami. "I have way too many of those already."

I laughed. "Tami, you said you're having some activity at your place?"
"Yeah, we've had things happening."

"Good. We need to train new people anyway. I propose that our next meeting be at your house, and we do an investigation. We'll train the new members, and keep ourselves busy."

"That works for me."

"Anyone want a glass of wine?" Millie asked. "I have some in the kitchen."
"Sure, I'll have a glass," I said.

Millie came back from the kitchen with the bottle. "I need you to help me get it open."

I popped the top off the wine, and she poured it. I took a sip. "Yeah, that's good. Now, we have our gift exchange!"

We'd started the gift exchange in our first year, sixteen years ago. At the time, the field leader had tried doing that stealing and swapping thing that people do for some reason, but everyone had always been satisfied with their gifts and never wanted to swap. So by the time I'd wound up as the leader, everyone just enjoyed what they'd gotten.

Juno got my present, a Lock Haven drink coaster. I ended up with Millie's, a sort of wand-shaped electronic lighter. I turned it over, and said,"Oh, Paul's going to love this. He likes burning things. We'll take this camping."

"I thought you might like that," said Millie.

"I got everyone something," I said, and handed them out. "Little multitools." Each one was a flat, wallet-sized piece. "There are about eleven different tools on these."

Heather looked hers over. "Nice."

"I mean, how many times have we been on an investigation and needed some sort of tool? I have one of these inserted in all my tac vests."

"You have more than one of those vests?" asked Tami.

Heather handed me a bag. "I got you something. Had to get it for you."

I pulled out a stuffed, knitted Bigfoot. I smiled. "I love it!"

"A friend of mine makes those. I thought it was perfect for you."

"You thought right," I said. "Looks like I do get to find a cryptid this holiday, after all."

At work, I had programs to plan and books to process. So I decided to say fuck it and  go investigate a cryptid instead.

I walked to the lobby and picked up one of the local maps from the tourist rack. Back at my desk, I did an online search for thunderbird sightings. One of my own articles was the first one that came up. It's interesting when that happens, but tells me nothing new. I marked the Cameron County sighting, then one I'd checked out a couple of years ago on the north side of the Susquehanna. There was one before that in Swissdale that Chris and I had investigated when we'd first met.

The Boss walked past my desk. "What are you working on?" she asked.

"Charting out our historic service distribution by township."

"Carry on."

I got a highlighter and made an orange mark on each sighting. There were some up around Kettle Creek, always the trendsetter in this regard. One in Jersey Shore, next county over. I ended up with a string of orange dots across my map.

"Hunh," I said.

I walked to the PA Room and grabbed Amazing Indeed by Robert Lyman. I knew it had a chapter on thunderbirds; there was even one depicted on the cover. I read through it and found a mention of the Native Americans reporting thunderbirds attacking whales for food.

Surprisingly, that actually checked out. Lyman described the area that thunderbirds were most seen in, and it was clustered in a comparatively tight area of north central Pennsylvania. 

With Lock Haven basically in the middle.

It was late. Paul and I were in the kitchen. Michelle had brought home two free hams from her company, and we had an extra from the local grocery store's points program. We also had a new oven with a "dehydrate" feature. I'd figured out that we could probably make ham jerky, but I'd found remarkably little instruction on how to actually accomplish this. So I was kind of winging it. Meanwhile Rosie and Butters sat on the floor, hoping for some of the ham to fall. Merry Christmas.

"I've been working on the thunderbird thing," I told Paul. "Called in my friend Kevin to do a little digging, too. You know what I found out?"

"What?"
"All of the sightings took place very near water---The Susquehanna River or its tributaries. So what does this tell us?"

"Thunderbirds need water."

"And what else?"
Paul thought it over for a moment. "Food!" he said.

"Right, food. And I found a mention in an old book about thunderbirds attacking whales, which makes sense---They'd eat fish from the river. So maybe if we wanted to see one, we'd have to go where there's fish."

"Maybe this summer!"

"Yeah, we can go looking for thunderbirds this summer. My witness sent me some pictures he created of the bird he saw, and it looks remarkably like an extinct bird called a teratorn. You never know---Maybe this summer, we can catch an ancient bird."

"Cool!" said Paul.

I laid out the ham strips on the tray, and looked them over. Then I slid them in the oven.

"Okay, let's see how long this takes. Hey. Got you something. This isn't exactly a Christmas present, so I guess you can have it early."

I handed him a package. He opened it and pulled out a sweatshirt---Black, with his name and the Ghost Hang logo on it. He smiled.

"Just like I wanted! Thanks, Dad!"

"Merry Christmas, little man."