Mister Lou Goes To Washington

"How long until we go to Washington?" Paul asked.

"I think....three weeks?" I said. "That feels about right. April thirteenth."
He checked the calendar. "Yeah, three weeks. How come it says 'DC' on the calendar?"
"That's what they call it. America has two Washingtons. One is way out west. It's where Bigfoot originally comes from."

"Whoa."

"The other is closer to us. That's where the government is. It's Washington, District of Columbia, and that's why they call it 'DC'."

"Okay."
"I've been doing a little research," I said. "They say the Capitol might be the most haunted place in the world. There's a curse there, and some ghosts of presidents, and at least one Civil War ghost, and some other stuff."

"Tell me about the curse."

"I'm going to have to check that out, and explain it on the bus."
"Okay." Paul picked up his Hulk shoulder bag. "I'm gonna get packed."

The fun part of these trips is, well, you get to go on a trip. The downside is that my family has to get up at four in the morning to meet the bus at Michelle's workplace at six AM. This affects me a bit less than the rest of the family; I can go without sleep more than they can. Paul brought his favorite blanket to sleep on the bus.

To most people, the bus trip is something you have to sit through to get to the actual destination. I'm not like that. I enjoy riding the actual bus just about as much as being at the tourist destination. I used the time to read up on the ghosts of the Capitol a bit, and rearrange some stuff for the trip.

"The Capitol is said to have a ghost cat," I told Paul, sitting across the aisle. "There are several old presidents haunting the place, and probably the guy who designed it. Turns out he was a failed necromancer who tried to bring George Washington back to life."

"Cool," said Paul. "Can I have a Slim Jim?"

I dug into the bag I'd brought, filled with snacks, crayons, and paper. This was not my first rodeo.

I was expecting to get put through security at the Smithsonian, and I'd prepared accordingly. I'd switched out my usual Swiss Army Knife for a much cheaper model with a blue handle, which would the  be left in my pack on the bus. I'd replaced that with a small plastic multi-tool, which had a compass and thermometer, signal whistle, and magnifying glass. It would serve the purpose. I'd taken off my Bigfoot multitool keychain and replaced it with a plastic keychain Paul had made for me.

It wasn't the first time I'd be off my own territory and have to improvise equipment. As the bus rode through the darkness, I rearranged my small shoulder bag to include a first aid kit, camera, map of Washington, and after some consideration, I included an EMF detector. Let the feds confiscate it if they had to.

I ran a quick test, turning the K2 on as we passed through Liverpool. There's an old story about a haunting there; a dead man found in a tree. The K2 lit up to red in about the right place, which was about the most sensitive test I was going to get flying past on a bus at seventy miles an hour.

As we pulled into Washington, Paul looked out the window and was fascinated by the sights.

"Look, Daddy!" he said delightedly. "An ice cream truck! And there's tacos!"

"We're gonna see food trucks around all day, kid," I told him.

We disembarked at the National Mall, by the Smithsonian Air And Space Museum. I was wearing my ghost symbol sweatshirt and my new customized LHPS windbreaker. It had my name on the front and the LHPS logo on the back, and it looked official as hell.

"First stop is the Washington Monument," I said. "Now, Pipper, when I was about your age, my dad posed me for a photo that made it look like I was a giant and leaning up against the monument. We're gonna do that same thing."

"You told me that, but I don't understand how we're going to make me look giant," said Paul.

I grinned. "You'll see."

When we got to a distance from the Washington Monument, I stopped. About the same spot I'd posed, by my estimation, though I was working from memories that were over forty years old. I said,"Here, kid---Stand about here, and hold your hand up like this. Good. Now just give me a few seconds of holding still."

I maneuvered around with the camera for a moment, and then snapped the photo. Paul said,"I want to see it!"

I showed it to him, and he laughed. "That thing is gigantic!"

"Oh, yes. There's a law in Washington that no building be built taller than the Washington Monument."

The kid continually goggled at the monument as we approached. The nice thing about the National Mall is that you can pretty much see right across it---It runs from the Capitol to the Lincoln Memorial, and it's all within view. I took a moment to glance at the Capitol.

The United States Capitol Building. So much history. Some people say it's the most haunted spot in the country. And I'm here! Somehow, amazingly, I'm here.

We reached the path leading to the monument. I said,"Paul, I know you've heard this on my tours. Right around here, there's a little Washington Monument called Benchmark A. It's buried under a manhole cover, and it's the central point to the whole government mapping system. It's got data connecting it to three points in Lock Haven where there are benchmarks---The post office, the old train station, and the Civil War Monument."

I stopped at the edge of the grass, looking out over the field. Michelle said,"Go ahead. I know you want to."

I walked out into the grass, looking for the manhole. Around sixty feet in, I found it.

"I want to see," said Paul, catching up with me. 

"Here it is, kid," I said. "I've always wanted to see this. Benchmark A."

We walked down to the Lincoln Memorial, and then hooked around and went back in the other direction. I'd attempted to plan this out so we could do a circle with a minimum of walking, though there was still a fair amount of trekking involved.

"Look, kiddo, that's the White House. Joe Biden lives there."

"I feel sorry for him. So did Donald Trump."

"Yeah, but every president gets to decorate the office his own way. I'm sure Biden removed all traces of Trump."

"Can we meet Joe Biden?"

"Probably not---He's busy, but we can send him an e-mail later."

"Okay!"

We walked down to the Smithsonian Museum of Natural History with some help from the map I'd printed out. As we walked in, we went through a metal detector and then security guards waved us the rest of the way through. They didn't even check my bag. If I'd known it was that easy, I'd have actually tried to smuggle in a pocketknife or something.

"I want to see shark teeth," Paul declared.

"Well, if there's shark teeth anywhere, they're in here," I said. "Check it out, Paul---Dinosaurs over here!"

We looked at the dinosaur skeletons for a while, and then wandered back into the ocean area. I saw a coelacanth on display, and said,"Look, Paul! A coelacanth! Do you know what that is?"

"No."

"These fish lived at the time of the dinosaurs! Everyone thought they were extinct until some fishermen pulled one up in 1938. It turns out they weren't extinct; they just hadn't been seen for a while."

"So they're still around?"

"They still are."

We wandered around the wing a while, taking everything in. Paul was impressed with the skeleton of a wooly mammoth; I think he'd learned about those in school. I saw a huge set of Megalodon teeth in a case, and I said,"Pipper. Check it out."

Paul gasped. "Shark teeth!"

"Big, prehistoric shark teeth. Do these count?"

"Yeah, they do!"

Michelle sat down for a rest while Paul and I walked upstairs. I said,"Oh my god! Paul! Look! It's an Easter Island head! Do you know Easter Island?"

"No....Is it an island?"
"Yeah, it's an island. There are these giant stone heads there, and nobody's sure exactly how they were carved or put up. It's a big mystery; it's amazing."

"Cool!"

"These are so neat. I've always wanted to see Easter Island. Just a second, I want to take a photo."

"Can you buy me a hot dog?"

"Yeah, when we get outside we'll find a food cart, okay? What's your favorite thing today?"

"The mammoth skeleton. Maybe also the escalator."

We had tickets for three PM for the Air and Space Museum, which Paul had also wanted to see. We got in a line that ran for half the block, but points to the museum staff---At three on the dot, the line began moving and was handled pretty efficiently. A similar line in New York would have taken half the day.

After, it was getting closer to pickup time, so we walked around to the Mall side, and dropped onto a park bench. Michelle and Paul were pretty wiped out. I was sweating a bit, but still doing okay.

"You guys rest a while," I said. "I'm gonna go over toward the Capitol and check for a few EMFs."

Michelle waved a hand. "Have fun," she said.

I walked down the path in the center of the Mall, getting closer to the Capitol building. As I walked, I got out my EMF detector---Not the all-in-one model, but the K2, which I'd figured would be the most effective and easiest to replace if I got tackled by the Secret Service or something. Again I'd overthought that----There were people walking dogs, playing sports, and doing all sorts of stuff. Nobody was paying any kind of attention to me. In Lock Haven I'd have been mobbed with people wanting to ask about gravity hills.

Washington. I love Washington. I always feel like I'm the only guy there who never ran for student council, but it's a neat place with a lot to see, much of the good stuff clustered within walking distance. 

My K2 lit up to yellow. Hunh. I stopped, turned around, took a few steps left and right. It was going yellow intermittently, in one spot. Good sign.

So there was some electric frequency there. I looked around. There were street lights, which meant there were underground lines someplace. I lowered it to the ground and it stopped.

I walked over to a lamppost and checked. It went up to orange, which was explainable. There was supposed to be electricity in this thing. Not in the middle of the field.

I walked back to the center and continued closer to the Capitol. In random spots, the field would shoot up to yellow with no explanation. There was some sort of signal here, but nothing I could explain away.

I walked up to the reflecting pool, checking the meter. I looked at the Capitol---The heart of our country, the center of government. And here I was, doing my thing.

When I got back to Michelle and Paul, she was sitting on the bench. Paul was running around and drawing in the dirt with a stick. I sat down beside Michelle. She asked,"Find anything?"

"Yeah, I got a spike to yellow. That's a good sign. There's definitely something going on there."

"Daddy, I invented a new game," Paul said. "You want to play it with me while the bus comes?"

"Sure, little man," I said.

The bus rode roughly north, heading home. Paul was watching his tablet, and I was looking out the window---I like to watch the landscape roll by. You never know what you might see.

I reach across the aisle and nudged Paul. He looked up. I pointed out the front, at the sign we were approaching. "Check it out, kid," I said. "We're back in Pennsylvania."

Paul grinned.

I watched the state go past as we went north, and it began to get dark. A little while later, I saw the signs for Gettysburg, and I got out my K2 meter.

As we passed into Gettysburg, arguably the most haunted community in Pennsylvania, it lit up to red. The meter flickered back and forth, but I was getting consistent and high readings.

I smiled.

Headed for home.

Total Eclipse Of The Bark

Paul needed a black shirt for soccer practice. It's why I was coming out of the Goodwill on Clinton Plaza around the same time one of the groups was walking by from the local day care. I was about to get on my bike when I heard the word "ghost."

"Oh, look," said one of the workers. "It's Lou! He can tell us if there's a ghost here."
It was my friend April. She said,"Look at his badge, kids! He knows all about the ghosts."

The kids looked at me. I held up my LHPS badge on my jacket. I said,"Have they been seeing a ghost?"

"All morning," said April. "They've been running around saying a ghost is coming."

I took a moment to consider how to handle this professionally and without scaring the kids. Then I went with the truth.

"The ghost here is named Ken," I said. "He was a really nice guy who used to work here."

"Ken, the friendly ghost," said April.

"He worked in that store over there. And he had a cool go-kart that he used to ride around the parking lot sometimes. He'd have loved you guys." All of this was true.

"See?" said April. "I told you he'd know all about it."

"I'm here," Zach said.

It's our code---Every workplace has them. At the library, at the changing of the guard on the front desk, that's the signal that the new person is ready to take over: "I'm here."

I stood up. "All yours, man."

"Anything exciting going on?" he asked.

"Not on duty," I said. "Got a message from my friend Norman---He's gotten an influx of dogman sightings recently, and I may look into that."

Zach frowned. "Dogman? You're gonna have to explain that."

"Half man, half dog. Like the South Carolina Lizard Man, or the Mothman, except---"

"Okay, I get it. And these are around here?"

"Some of them were. One seems to be in a picnic area west of Renovo, which maybe isn't there anymore. One was down in Sugar Valley---The eastbound I-80 rest area near Greene's Gap. I may check them out; it's been a little slow lately."

"Isn't the county's official monster some sort of dogman?"

"I do have a type."

The phone rang, and I picked it up. "Ross Library. No, we're out of the eclipse glasses. Maybe more are coming in Thursday. I've heard City Hall may have some. Yes, have a good day." I hung up.

"I fielded five of those calls earlier," said Zach.

"Yeah, people are dying for those glasses to see the eclipse Monday," I said. "Paul's school is going to take the kids out to see the beginning of it. We'll be here at work."

"We saw one from work a few years ago," Zach pointed out. Zach and I are the two longest-lasting employees in the library.

"I remember it well," I said. "Probably be the same this time around, too."

When Michelle's phone rang after work, it was Paul. At nine and a half, he'd been growing a bit more independent lately, and he'd spent the day hanging around with one of his little friends. 

"Can I have a sleepover?" he asked. "We're at our friend's foster home."

Michelle glanced at me. I shrugged; no reason why not. I said,"We'll pack you a bag."

"Bring pajamas. And shorts. And bring my Stanley," he said.

"Can do. We'll be there in a bit."

"And bring my ghost-hunting stuff," he said. "The kids want to check the house for ghosts."

I smiled. "Okay, buddy. Be right down."

Ten minutes later, I was handing over Paul's bag at the door to the foster home. One of the girls said,"I recognize you---You do the ghosts---"

"That's me, I'm a ghost hunter." I nodded to Paul. "I brought you my spare chest rig. It's got two thermometers and an EMF detector. That be enough?"

He nodded. "Yeah."

I kissed him on the head. "Have fun, little man. I'll see you tomorrow."

With Paul away on a sleepover, I found I had nothing to do particularly. I sat down and worked on an article for a while, wrote about Millbrook Playhouse. I wandered around the house and finally stopped to talk to my wife, who was watching TV.

"You gonna watch the eclipse with Paul?"

"When he gets home from school, yeah."

"Got anything red and green to wear?" I asked. "I've read about an effect called the Purkinje Effect that changes the tones of the colors a bit. I figure I'll wear my green alien shirt."

"That's interesting," said Michelle. "I'll have to check."

"Eclipses cause all sorts of effects," I said. "Color, temperature, animal behavior...."

I trailed off. Michelle returned to watching TV. I went back to my laptop and did a little research on animal behavior during an eclipse.

People often don't get it, about paranormal investigation. The TV shows make it appear as if it's just a bunch of screaming and running around. But to do it correctly requires a lot of information. It helps to have a certain understanding of history, biology, astronomy, geology, and other subjects. 

Animals react differently during an eclipse. With the sun going dark mid-day, it's confusing for them. (Some humans don't have much of a grasp on it, either, apparently.) So it was reasonable to expect some odd activity from animals.

And maybe dogmen.

Next I checked to see what kind of a view I was going to be able to get. While I was working, I wasn't going to get anywhere near the locations of dogman sightings during the eclipse, even if I wasn't working the desk. But thanks to the dubious magic of technology, I might still be able to check things out.

I did a search for webcams in Clinton County, Pennsylvania. Hey, the Loch Ness Monster has its own webcam, why not check for a dogman on one? Hot damn, there was a site that listed a bunch of them. I checked through the list---One was right where I needed it to be, in Greene Township along Interstate 80. Better and better. I clicked on it and played it a bit. Good view. It could even record and play back. This was just about perfect.

I copied the link and e-mailed it to myself. I was going to be able to look for a cryptid instead of working.

The day of the eclipse, I wore my green UFO shirt and a red bandanna. Purkinje Effect. I sat down at my desk and opened up the I-80 Webcam, and let it run. The cam was run by PennDOT, which had apparently done something right for a change.

Then I went to cover the main desk. "I'm here," I said to Jenn.

"I have the viewer I made outside," Jenn said. "Do you want me to cover for a while so you can go look?"

"Nah, I'm okay," I said. "We got a while before it really starts to get underway."

I alternated between glancing out the window, and checking the webcam. Nothing on the cam. It had probably been a long shot anyway. It was cloudy, which blocked the eclipse somewhat, but after a while, I could see it beginning to get darker outside.

Paul and Michelle came in, and I smiled. "Hey, buddy! How's it going?"
"Not good," said Paul. "These eclipse glasses the school gave us don't work."

"Don't work?"

"I couldn't see the eclipse."

Jenn came back. "Would you like me to take him outside to use the viewer?"
"Sure, thanks. Paul, go on outside with Jenn."

Michelle followed them out, and I walked to the back window and tested Paul's glasses. They were fine; he'd just not been able to see because of the clouds. When he came back a few minutes later, he was grinning.

"Did you see it okay?" I asked.

"Yeah!" he said.

"I checked your glasses; they're okay. Want to check it out through the back window with me?"
"Okay."

We walked to the back of the building, where there were tall, narrow windows facing southwest. I put his glasses on him, and said,"Look up, between the clouds. There."

He grinned. "Cool!"

"You see it?"

"Yeah!"

"Okay, we've gotta get going," said Michelle. "I still have some work to do."

"I'll walk you out," I said.

It was getting darker when we got out into the parking lot. I hugged Paul and watched them drive off. Then I pulled on his glasses---He'd left them with me---And I stood for a moment, looking up at the sun. It was entirely covered at this point.

Totality.

I went in and checked the cam. No dogmen, no cryptids of any kind. That meant I was still going to have to get to the site sometime to check things out.

But it didn't matter. I'd gotten to watch the eclipse with my boy.

I wonder what other cryptids I could look for via webcam?.....

Paul was getting ready for bed. This always takes far longer than it should; kids drag bedtime out incessantly. While he unrolled a sleeping bag on the floor, I asked,"Forgot to check. How was your investigation the other night?"

"Great," he said. "We got an EMF in the back yard."
"Really? Did you check for power lines?"

He nodded. "There was no reason."

"Good work."

"I liked the eclipse," he said. "It was fun."

"Well, you know, there's a lunar eclipse coming up in September," I said. "We can stay up to watch it."

"Yeah. That'd be good."

"I'll mark it on the calendar, little man," I said. "Sleep well."

Gaywatch

"Oh, I like your shirt," the woman said as I checked out her books. "I like the Mothman."

I looked down at the grey Mothman sweatshirt. "Oh, thanks. Mothman is one of my favorites; I've investigated him."

"Really? After he killed all those people?"

I glanced at her. "I have no idea what you're talking about."

"In the movie, the Mothman is responsible for a lot of deaths."

"You understand the movie is pretty much fictional, right?"

"Well, yeah, but Mothman killed all the---"

"That's all made up. They do it for drama in the movie, but none of that really happened."

"Really?"

"Really. Look. I investigate these things scientifically. Here's the deal: In November of 1966, a bunch of people saw a creature with wings and glowing red eyes in an abandoned area of Point Pleasant, West Virginia. It may have been a sandhill crane. There. That's the only actual facts about Mothman."

"But that guy, who had a wife, with cancer, and the Mothman---"

"Again, not real. The movie is not real."

"But in the movie----"

"Forget the movie. Once again, nothing in the movie is real." I hate slow learners. "Here you go." I slid the books across to her. "These are due on the twenty-fifth. Have a nice night."

I bumped into Tami and Juno downtown, in the neat little crystal shop while I was out delivering flyers. The place is not my normal sort of hangout, but it's pleasant, and I love the owners. There was a sign on the tip jar that said "Feed the Goblin."

Tami smiled. "Hi, Lou! How's everything?"

"Doing good. We still on for Saturday?"

I saw Juno, Tami's kid, grin. Tami said,"Yeah, we've had some activity. So we'll have the meeting there, and investigate the house. We have all our rainbow flags up right now, making it the gayest house in Lock Haven."

"I'm excited," I said. "Been a while since we've done a full-scale investigation, and it'll be a good way of training our new people. I'm looking forward to it." I dropped a dollar into the tip jar. "I like the idea of feeding a goblin."

I pulled on my tac vest---The stylish-looking one with the LHPS badge. I had my uniform on, and zipped the vest over it. I pulled on my new fingerless gloves, the kind with the hard knuckle protectors. Then I walked out of the house where the kids were all playing outside.

"See you, Dad," said Paul. 

I gave him a hug. "Home tonight, kid, and then I'll let you stay up with me."

Serena's mom looked over the outfit. "Oooh, where are you off to?"

"Oh, got an investigation tonight. We're training new people."

"Cool!" said Serena. "When will you be home?"

"Eight or nine. Depends on how much activity there is. I'll tell you all about it later, maybe bring some pictures for you."

A new girl, Heaven, asked,"Wait, where are you going? What?"

"I'm a ghost hunter."

"Oh."

"So am I!" said Serena. "He's teaching us."

"Dad, can you bring me more nail glue?" Paul asked. "I'm out."
"I'll make a stop on the way," I said.

"I'm going to roller skate along with you to the end of the block!" said Serena.

"Me, too," declared Heaven, getting on her bike.

So that's how I headed off to our investigation---On my bike, followed by a parade of children.

The LHPS outfits are designed to be functional on an investigation. They are not designed to be exactly invisible in public. When I stopped at the Dollar Store for nail glue, the cashier looked me over in my tac vest.

"You some kind of cop or something?" she asked.

"Paranormal investigator," I said.

"Oh, yeah? This place haunted?"
"Not that I know of," I said as I pocketed the nail glue.

"You know, we're at seven member now," I said, sitting in Tami's living room. "I like this. Even when we can't all show up, we still have enough for a team."

 I was sitting with Millie, Tami, Tami's wife Bre, and the new guy, Tim. Bre said,"Lou, did you see the new tattoos we got?"

She and Tami held out their arms---They'd gotten matching ghost tattoos. I said,"I saw those! Love them!"

Tami said,"By the way, Lou, we were at the Oddities Festival recently---"

"I saw the Facebook post."

"We brought you something."

"Aww, thanks." Tami handed me a button, and I looked at it. "It's the Giwoggle!"

"The vendor had no idea how to pronounce it, but he likes the legend," she said.

"So you know this guy has read my articles. You two are my favorite lesbian couple."
Bre smiled. "I love when people say that. Means we're doing better than those rival lesbians from Avis."

"I need more rivals," I said. "I'm hoping for an arch-enemy, to the point I may put an ad in the classifieds."

"Well, I'm headed out," said Bre, standing up. "I don't want to encounter any ghosts, so I'm going down to the Dutch Haven for a couple of drinks. You guys have fun."

We all stood up. Tim said,"I bought this attachment for my phone---It detects heat..."

"A thermal imager!" I said. "Nice! I have a hand-held one, but yours looks more sensitive than mine."

I began pulling on my vest and fingerless gloves. Tim said,"Ooooh, I like that."

"Thanks," I said. "It has pockets!"

"I really like that. Where did you get it?"

"Amazon, of course. When I was first starting out, I tried everything," I said. "My pockets, bags, belts. Finally I lit on the tactical vest, and these work. This one is mostly for residential LHPS work---I have others for other functions, and one sort of for any occasion---UFOs, ghosts, buried treasure, whatever."

"That's got style," said Tim. "Can I take your picture?"
"Sure. Women love the vest. Men...love the vest. Dogs and cats---"

"Hold still."

He snapped a photo of me, and then one around back, where I had attached "Black Lives Matter" and LGBTQ Ally patches. He said,"I've been carrying my satchel, but I may just get one of these. That looks great."

I grinned. "I like having a sassy gay friend. I can send you links to these. And check this out." I lifted my sweatshirt to show him my new customized belt with the LHPS logo on it.

"Now, that's cool," said Tim.

"I've discovered you can customize anything on Amazon."

"Last time we investigated, we had a lot of activity on the stairs," Tami said. "It seems to focus there. Let's try that."

"Sounds good," said Millie.

At the top of the stairs, we took some readings. I alternated between my EMF detector and my laser thermometer. The cat, Pico, kept chasing the laser.

"Let's get the recorders on," I said. I'd been restocking my vest with some new equipment, and the new recorder was lightweight and easy to use. I clicked it on and did the usual ritual: "February 10, seven eleven PM, Tami's place, second floor hallway. Lou."

"Tim."

"Millie."

"Tami. And Pico."

"Is there anyone here?"

"Can you tell us your name?"

We tossed around a few questions like that for a while, leaving silent spaces in between the questions. I've noticed it's hard to keep that up for more than a few minutes at a time---Maybe some people can do it longer, but I can't.

Tami said,"Bre just texted me. At the bar, they're asking her what's the most haunted place in Lock Haven."
Obviously, a question aimed at me. "I'd have to say the old jail. Down on Church Street. We investigated it years ago, around 2012, and we got a lot of activity. The only guy ever hung for his crime in Clinton County was hung in that jail."

"Cool," said Tami, and texted Bre back.

"I gotta drive by there," said Tim. "I keep meaning to."

"Getting EMF readings," said Millie.

She was sitting on the stairs. I was behind her, sitting in the bedroom doorway, and I could see her EMF detector beside her. It was flickering green to red, repeatedly, up and down.

"Getting photos," I said. I brought out my camera and snapped several shots of the stairs, Millie and Tim sitting beside each other at the top.

"I'm getting something on my thermal," said Tim. "See that blob at the bottom of the steps? What's that?"

We could all see it on his screen. I said,"Heat from a light above? Tami, is there a light in the ceiling above that landing?"

Tami shook her head. "No, nothing there."

"Rules that out, then."

"It's moving," said Tim. "Coming up the stairs."

We could all see it---On Tim's phone screen, the heat signature was moving up, one step at a time---And there was nothing there. Millie's EMF detector flashed red as the signature reached the top of the stairs.

"I've never seen this happen before," I said.

It reached the top, then moved back down to the bottom....And disappeared.

"That....was amazing," said Tami.

I cheered,"Yes!!!"

After, we all gathered back in the living room. Bre returned. And for a while, we were just a bunch of friends, hanging out.

"...So I walked in, and everyone was asking where Tami was," Bre was saying. "And I said she was on a paranormal investigation. So then of course everyone wanted to know all about it. And of course Lou's famous."

"I get that a lot," I said. "I mean, who the hell am I?"

"So they started asking all sorts of questions, which I didn't really have the answers to....You're gonna hear it all next time you go with me, babe," she said to Tami. "Lot of people down there are into this."

"I really want to get one of those vests," said Tim. 

There is just something about having a gay guy approve of the way you dress. "I'll send you the links," I said. "I don't think they're making this model anymore, but there are others that are just as good."

"You have as big an online shopping problem as I do."

"Oh, yes."

"Well, I better get going," he said, standing up. "Can I see you out, Millie?"
"Yes, please."

"Better head out myself," I said. "I told the kid he could stay up late with me tonight."

I left my bike in the front yard and walked in through the front door, into my own haunted house. Paul was waiting for me on the couch, and he looked up when I came in.

"You're home," he said. "Finally."

It had been two hours since I'd left. I said,"We had a good investigation, kiddo. How you doing?"
"Good."

"Great. Let me change out of my uniform, and then I'll be right with you." I smiled at my son. "You want to watch a movie?"

Backdoor Pilot

I don't understand why the schools schedule the kids to get up far too early to be any kind of productive. Personally I handle it with coffee. I was drinking out of the ghost-hunting mug Tim had gotten for me when Paul came into the kitchen.

"Your mom called from work," I said. "The school sent out a message. They closed down, so you'll be at home learning online today."

Paul looked out the back door window. "It's snowing out!"

"It's coming down pretty hard," I agreed. I was wearing my "Yeti For Action" shirt. "So you do a couple of hours of online school, and then we'll have internet problems and just hang out."

"Okay."

I stood up. Paul and I began dancing around the kitchen. "We got a snooow day! We got a snooow day!"

It was coming down really hard outside. I said,"Listen, kid, just so you're aware, this cold is nothing to screw around with. So just be careful. We will not be going barefoot. We will wear layers, and definitely a coat. This is Yeti weather."

"Will the cold leak out my bedroom window?"

"We'll make sure the curtain is pulled shut; that'll help. It'll also help if you don't kick the blankets off while you sleep. And for chrissake, wear pajamas."

"Aww."

"It will keep you warm, kid."

"Well, okay. Are we gonna look for Yeti prints in the backyard later?"

"Of course."

When I got home from work that night, there was an Amazon package on the kitchen table for me. "Can I open it, Daddy?" Paul asked.

I nodded, and he tore the package open. Three packs of cards came out.

"What are these?" he asked, examining one.

"They're Zener Cards," I said. "They detect bullshit."

He continued looking the cards over. I shuffled up a deck. "You know how some people say they have psychic powers? Talk to ghosts, see the future, and crap like that? Mostly, those people are liars or idiots. These cards help to test that." I held a card up, facing away from Paul. "Here. What do you think is on this card?"

"A square?"

I flipped the card around; it was wavy lines. I held up another. "How about this?"
"Square?"

It was a circle. Paul said,"Boy, I am really bad at this."

"You're not actually supposed to be good. Most of the people who say they're psychic are scammers, or just want to believe."

"So if I'm bad at this, it means I'm a sidekick?"

I laughed. "You're my sidekick no matter what. But most people will be bad at it. Most people get about one in five from sheer luck. If someone does better than that, they may have actual psychic powers. But most people don't." I held up another card. "How about this one?"

"Um....a circle?"

I flipped the card. "Nope. This one's a square."

It had warmed up the next morning. The girls came out the door after a five-minute wait. Our neighbors had lived next door for a year and a half, and we'd gotten close to the family. Paul and I walked the kids to the bus stop every morning, and I'd recruited them into a little club we called the Ghost Gang.

"Okay, guys," I said. "Bigfoot was in the neighborhood last night. Here's a training for you. There are Bigfoot prints all over the street, so I want you to follow them and figure out what he was doing."

I'd taught Paul paranormal investigation years ago. His little friends had expressed an interest, so I'd begun training them, too, because it's not enough that my life is weird, I have to inflict in on the children, as well. Besides, it kept them busy.

"There's one here!" Serena said. I'd gone down the street and chalked huge footprints all over the place the day before to give the kids something to do on the way to the bus stop. Paul ran ahead.

"One's here!" he said. "And here! Bigfoot crossed the street!"

"Very good," I said. "Now, if you find a print in nature, you're going to want evidence. I'll teach you how to make a plaster cast this summer, but for now, a photo will do." I got out my camera and my pocketknife. "When you get a photo of a Bigfoot print, make sure you put something next to it for context. That way, you'll be able to tell the size." I laid down the knife beside the footprint, and snapped a photo. Across the street, I saw Paul doing the same thing, setting down a container of slime and using his cell phone.

"The last print is down here, guys," I said.

"This is fun!" said Serena.

"Think I'll do this more often," I said. "I can train you guys on the way to the bus stop."

One Wednesday after school, with the kids playing out front on the sidewalk, I walked out back. I walked through the alley for a minute before settling on the shed next door. I pulled eight color-changing pencils out of my pocket and slid them in a small hole under the shed.

Then I walked back to the house, picked up a photocopy of a Sanborn map I'd made a couple days before, and marked a blue X by the shed at the alley. Then I went to find the kids out front.

I arrived as the discussion seemed to be escalating into "Let's ride this scooter off the porch and see what happens" territory, which made me feel pretty okay about interrupting. 

"Guys, come here," I said.

They all gathered on the sidewalk. I said,"This is a map to a hidden treasure. You guys have to work together as a team to find it."

"What's the treasure?" asked Sekiya.

"You'll find out." I handed the map to Paul. He looked it over, and said,"It's somewhere near this house. Four-sixteen."

"Which way is that?" asked Love.

"I think this way." The kids headed east down the block, counting off numbers. Love saw four-fifteen across the road, and then they spotted the right place.

I said,"Now, it'll help to orient the map. Turn it this way---See, the street is here? So put the street on the map in the same direction. Now, which way to go?"

After a moment of figuring it out, they set off in the right direction. Fortunately, all of our neighbors are used to this bunch trespassing through their yards. They ran back to the alley, and spotted the shed.
"Right there! Let's go in!"

"No....No, don't go in. Look at the map. Where's the mark?"

Paul looked. "Here, by the alley. I see."

They walked behind the shed, and Paul said,"Here!"

He reached in and pulled out the pencils. The kids all gasped. Paul said,"We found it! Who wants what color?"

It was thirty-four degrees when I got home from work, so of course I found the kids lying on the sidewalk in the dark. 

I was getting the mail when they spotted me. "Hi, Dad," Paul called over.

"Hey, buddy," I said. 

"We're looking at the stars," said Love. "Want to do it with us?"

"Hell, yes, I do," I said. "Wait here."

I was back out in a minute with my star chart, star scope, binoculars, and an old book. "Finding the Constellations" by H.A. Rey. I was wearing my "Bigfoot Saw Me But Nobody Believes Him" shirt and my puffy vest. I'd gotten the vest a year ago for investigating the ghost of a mobster, and I'd grown to love it. During the winter, I practically lived in the thing.

When I got back, Serena and Love were all excited. "We saw a UFO!"

"No kidding? What did it look like?"

"Like a star, white, but moving," said Serena. "Pretty fast."

"Did it keep moving, or did it sort of disappear?"
"It disappeared."

"You probably saw a meteor, which is itself pretty cool. Love that." I set everything down, and said,"You guys are gonna like this. Look, I can see Orion the hunter from here. See, there's his shoulders, there's his feet, there's the three stars in his belt...."

"I see it!" said Love excitedly.

"See the little cluster, just below the belt? That's his sword."

"Well, kinda," said Love. "It doesn't look much like a hunter."

"Yeah, the ancient Greeks were pretty imaginative. Sometimes you gotta squint."

"What's this?" Serena asked, looking at the star chart. 

"That's a star chart. Careful with that, I've had it since I was a kid. See, we can line it up---February fifth, at eight PM----And see? There's Orion."

Serena gasped. "I can see it! It makes sense now!"

"Yeah, the ancient Greeks used a lot of imagination when they named these constellations. Want to see the Big Dipper? We'll have to walk around to the back door." The kids followed me to the back yard. "Okay, over there's the Big Dipper. The handle is pointing down, see?"

"Oooh, yeah," said Love.

"Paul, can you tell me which way is north?"

"That way."

"You got it. See, girls---Start with those two stars, and then follow along---That's the North Star. Polaris. That way is north."

"What's this?" Serena asked.

"That's a star scope. I use it when I'm investigating aliens." It was a tube, about six inches long and three inches thick, with a lens on one end. "Look inside. Aim it at the porch light." 

Serena looked in and gasped. She now had a view of the entire night sky, printed on a little plastic piece inside the tube. "I can see all the stars! What's the fish?"

"That's Pisces."

"There's a ram..."

"That's Aries."

"This is so cool!"

"Dad, can this book be my reading for tonight?" Paul asked.

"Sure," I said. He began reading the constellation book by lantern light. In the front cover was an old letter---My mother had sent me the book, and I still had the letter tucked inside there. I glanced at it.

Dear Monkeybrain, it began.

"This is so cool," said Serena. "We should do this every night!"

I smiled. "I could be persuaded to do this more often."

That night, in Paul's dark room, putting him to bed. I pulled the covers up over him, with Rosie and Butters lying at the foot of the bed. He said,"Daddy? I'm gonna need another compass."

"Oh?"

"I broke mine."

"The one from your backpack?"

"Yeah. The lens fell off. It's outside by the lawn chairs."

"Well, compasses are cheap and easy enough to get. Why is it outside?"

"I put it out there for an emergency," Paul said. "Like, if the house burned down and we needed to get to a hotel, and the hotel was north, we could go find one."

....It's possible that I'm overtraining this kid.

"Well, it's good to be prepared," I told him, running my hand over his head. "But don't worry---House has been here since 1884. It's not gonna burn down. I'll get you a new compass. Do you want one like you had, or one like I had when I was a kid?"

"I want one like you had."

"Okay, kiddo. I'll get you one." I kissed him on the forehead. "Goodnight, little man. Get some sleep."