Merry Cryptid: The 2022 Christmas Special

The puppy bounced around in the grass while I strapped the trees on the car. He was a tiny Mini-Goldendoodle, a couple of months old. My brother sat on the grass, watching with some amusement.

"He's funny as hell," commented Jon.

Paul, holding the puppy's leash, said,"We just got him. Rosie wanted a friend. His name is Butters."

"Good name." Jon glanced at me getting the second tree strapped down. "Two trees this year."

"I've been working with a local charity. For some reason they elected me vice-president a while back. I promised them a tree for their building."

"That's cool," he said. It was our annual Christmas trip to the farm. Paul always enjoyed going to visit, and Butters seemed to be having a good time with it, too. I was having a bit of a slower time since Resurrection Casey had graduated and left, but it was good to see the farm.

"Butters likes this," said Paul.

Jon nodded. "You want to bring him out here in the summer? You guys can work for me."

"Yeah!" said Paul. "How much?"

My teammates Tami and her wife Bre were having an ugly sweater party, and my family was invited. I have an ugly Christmas sweater that puts all the other sweaters to shame. It shows a blinged-out Santa in sunglasses carrying presents, and has a front pocket that perfectly fits a can of beer, if you want one on Christmas morning. I was wearing it as we walked into the house.

I gave Tami a hug. "Make the Yuletide gay," I said.

"Thanks for coming."

'Thanks for inviting us. Michelle made buffalo dip."

"Want a drink?" Bre offered.

"I'd hate myself if I didn't try one of your Grinch drinks," I said. "Let's go with that."

"We had the sound of the exterior door opening and closing the other morning," said Tami. "I thought it was the kid leaving for work, but as it turns out, they were still here."

I grinned. "We'll have to investigate. I just treated myself to a new thermal imager for Christmas, and I've been looking for an excuse to try it out."

"Oh, cool! What does that do?"

"It shows heat sources, sort of like infrared. I'll bring it to the next meeting and show you. It's really pretty cool, and I think it can be used for all sorts of applications---Ghosts, UFOs, cryptids."

"All the cool stuff."

"It can be used to check the insulation in your house, too," added Bre.

Tammy and I looked at each other. It's hard to be married to a non-investigator. "I mean, if you want to be all practical about it," I admitted. "But I'm not gonna pretend that's why I bought it."

I used to hate being in classes, and as an adult, I've been kind of glad those days are behind me. Then technology came along and fucked that all up, too. I was sitting in the kitchen, taking a required class on my laptop, when Paul and his little friend Serena came in, followed by Rosie and Butters.

Serena is in Paul's grade, but is tiny by comparison. She'd moved in next door in October, and ever since it had been a near-constant run on playdates and sleepovers. Both were in their pajamas tonight.

"Serena wants to know if we can teach her to ghost hunt," said Paul.

I smiled. "You're into that?"

Serena nodded. "I think that's really cool."
"Why not?" I said. "Let me get my stuff."

I pulled my tactical vest out of my office and put it on. Paul got into his. Serena said,"You guys really wear those?"

"When we're hunting ghosts, yeah. They're good for keeping all my stuff in the pockets. This is the laser thermometer, and this is the EMF detector. What we do is to find different readings, and then check to make sure it's nothing explainable."

"You guys have a ghost here, don't you?"

I nodded. "Ida Yost. She was seventeen when she died on our back porch."

"That's so cool. I wish my house was haunted."

"Okay, Paul," I said,"You want to show Serena how to do an EMF session?"

So there I was, eating lunch in a closet.

Lately I'd been doing that kind of thing. Not really in the mood to risk doing something extreme like socializing with my co-workers, I'd been slipping off on my lunch break to some of the most remote and unfindable places in the building. I knew them all---Hidden staircases, crawl spaces, and unused offices. Today I'd chosen the second-floor closet in the old part of the building, which I was also using to stash some of my program materials. So I sat among the art supplies, yarn, and a stuffed lion I'd saved for some reason, eating my sandwich and pickle, reading Salem's Lot.

When I was done and went back downstairs, a message was waiting on my computer. A woman who'd been on one of my tours a couple of years ago. I read it, and then considered.

When Chris came in a few minutes later, I was up to my elbows in old maps and cemetery books.

"Don't let me interrupt," he said.

"You know how it goes," I said. "Got a possible Wendigo sighting."

"Wendigo....Refresh me."

"The Wendigos were believed to be cryptids, more or less, by the Native American tribes of the north. They were thought to be created by very cold winters, when someone had to commit cannibalism to survive."

"Really cheerful career you got there."

"Well, it's one of those things where they were seeing something, cryptid or not, but their interpretation was colored by their fears. Like the Jersey Devil. These legends come from Maine, Michigan, Wisconsin, where even in the good winters you were at risk of having to eat somebody."

"And somebody saw one of these locally?"

"A couple saw one while they were staying in a cabin at Pine Creek."

"And you're not concerned you might get eaten?"

"My bloodstream is basically coffee. I can't imagine I'm part of a healthy diet. Thing is, Wendigo or not, they saw something. I gotta figure out what."

"You ever deal with a Wendigo before?"

"A few years ago, in Chicago, I got a bit of a crash course, but I wound up investigating ghosts and stuff instead. I've known about Wendigos, but never had an investigation. I've always wanted one."

"It's a Christmas miracle," said Chris.

It was a rainy Wednesday afternoon when the phone rang. It was Tif.

"Hey, Dad, the staff down here wants to know if they should cut the bottom off the tree stump before they put it up."

"Yeah, at this point they probably should," I said. "About half an inch will do; doesn't have to be too much."

"I'll tell them. Thanks."

Five minutes later, the phone rang again. 

"Dad, the staff can't find a saw. They want to know if you can cut it for them."

"Tell them I'll be down in ten minutes."

A little while later, I pulled up in front of the building with my bow saw. I buzzed in, and Lacey led me to the backyard, where the tree was propped. She said,"Sorry to bring you all the way down here in the rain."

"It was a pretty slow day anyway, until this. You know you guys don't have to make my daughter call me; any of you can ask me for help."

Lacey grinned. "We figured she knew the number."

I took a few minutes and got a pretty good cut in the stump, then carried the tree into the building. "Where do you want this?"

"Up front," she said. "Let's put it in the office. You want to stick around for our potluck lunch?"

"I don't want to take your food, but I'll hang out with you guys for a while," I said. "I'll tell you all about my Wendigo investigation."

It was twenty-one degrees when I put the kids on the school bus, and not warming up much. I had my heaviest coat on, the one I kept around in case of a Yeti attack. Paul nd I had been taking Serena down to the bus stop since she'd moved in, saving her mother a step each morning. Serena's mom was just coming out her door as I walked past on the sidewalk.

"Hi," I said.

"Oh, hi," she said. "Hey, since you're here, I wanted to ask you something. Are you guys going to the Santa shopping at the school tonight?"
"Oh, yeah, I was just talking to my wife about that. We're taking Paul."

"Could Serena ride along with you? I want her to have the opportunity to buy presents, but I can't take the two little ones out that time of night."

"Oh, sure, I don't see why not," I said. "While we're at it, would you mind if we took a little ride afterward? I want to go over to Pine Creek."

"Oh, sure."

"This next part is where it gets weird....I'm investigating a cryptid sighting."

"Cryptid....?"

"Like Bigfoot or something."
"Oh, she'd love that. What time are you leaving?"

"About five-thirty."

"I'll have her ready."

"Guys, we've had a Wendigo sighting out this way," I said. "The Wendigo is a creature the Native Americans believed in, with big horns and glowing eyes. Someone out here thinks they saw one, so we're gonna check it out." I figured it was probably best if I left out the cannibalism details around the eight-year-olds.

The back of the car was filled with purchased Christmas gifts and two excited kids. There wasn't a lot more space in the front, where I had my backpack and my cryptozoology kit. I was wearing my gray ghost sweatshirt and my black adventure jacket.

"It's dark out here," observed Serena. "Do you always do this in the dark?"

"Not always," said Paul.

"We've hunted Bigfoot at high noon," I added.

"But sometimes in the dark?" she asked.

"Sometimes."

"Do you ever get hurt?"

"Well....It happens," I said, at the same time Paul said,"Yeah." I concluded,"But we try to avoid that."

Michelle turned and pulled into the foresty area off 44. She said,"You guys go. I'll wait in the car."

"Okay, guys," I said. I opened my car door and slung my crypto kit over my shoulder. "Take the night vision binoculars and the thermal imager, and check around the edges of the field."

The kids and I spread out across the snowy field. I'd taught them how to use the equipment, so I let them at it while I took some photos. Paul said,"Here's footprints!"

I knelt down and looked at them. "You know what these are? A rabbit."
"Really?"

"Yeah. You can see where he hopped around with his back and front feet. Good eye, though---I'd have missed them."

"There's different prints over here," said Serena.

I looked. "Now these, I can't identify. I'm going to take a photo to check them out later." I got out my pocketknife and laid it down beside the print. "See, what you do is to put something common, like my knife, down beside the print. That way you have a good sense of the size in the photo."

"Ah, I see," said Serena, interested.

"Allright, guys, we've checked enough, and it's cold," I said. "Let's get in the car."
"No!" Paul protested. "A few more minutes!"

"Okay," I said. "Since you're having fun. Few more minutes."

I walked over and leaned against the car.

Michelle rolled down the window. "Find any Wendigos?"
"In a manner of speaking," I said. "Work with me here. This was territory of the Seneca and the Susquehannocks, an Algonquin offshoot. They're the ones who believed in the Wendigo. Now, like the Thunderbird, they were likely seeing something. Whether it was an actual cryptid, or an animal that they mistook for one, they had reports of this thing. Now it's not impossible for some animal to follow Pine Creek down from the north. We have rabbit prints, and where there's prey, there's predators. So it's pretty likely my client saw something that's not supposed to be here---A large, unfamiliar animal, or an actual Wendigo."

Christmas dinner.

I sat at the table with Paul, Michelle, Tif, and Biz, while Butters and Rosie ran around on the floor, hoping something might drop. We'd exchanged presents---I'd gotten a couple of pairs of thermal socks, a bar of Bigfoot soap, and a new canteen. Good year.

"Got everything I wanted," I said. "Including a Wendigo investigation."

"Generally when people see a Wendigo, they don't see another one," said Biz. "Or much of anything else, either. Ever."

I grinned. "Well, you never know. There was a couple who saw something out there."

"But Bigfoot still eludes you," said Tif.

"Well," I said,"The new year's coming."

An Apple A Day

"I hope there's Albatwitch T-shirts at this thing," I said. "I'm definitely getting a T-shirt."

"Me, too," said Paul from the back of the car.

"I'm sure there will be T-shirts," said Michelle. "Which way do I go?"

"Stay on 441. And then turn right into the Columbia River Park. That'll get us to the Albatwitch Festival."

"I want to see an Albatwitch," Paul said, trying to bring up a photo of one on his tablet.

"The Albatwitch is like a mini-Bigfoot," I said. "They stay smaller than you. And they like to steal apples from nearby orchards. They're often spotted in the forest near the festival."

Michelle turned, and we pulled into the festival, which was much bigger and busier than I thought it was going to be. We drove down the path to the parking area, which was beside the forest.

I climbed out of the car. 

"Okay, kid," I said. "You want to help me bait an Albatwitch?"

"Yeah," said Paul. "What are we going to do?"

I opened the trunk. "I brought apples," I said. "Normally with cryptids, you don't know exactly what to use as bait, and you have to make a few guesses. With an Albatwitch, though, we already know they like apples. This gives us a good opportunity."

Hand in hand, we walked together into the forest until we found a muddy spot by the path. I set the apple down, and said,"Okay. We're gonna come back later and see if anything disturbed the apple, and maybe left us some prints. For now, let's leave this here and get to the festival."

I sat at the small table, a couple of stacks of my books in front of me. I'd had fifty of each printed up for the occasion, and had figured I could recoup the money by selling a dozen copies. The day before leaving, I'd discovered that our outdoor table was not going to fit in the Prius, so I'd grabbed my son's My Little Pony table and a blanket to cover it with. 

Paul got back, and sat next to me. "I'm back," he declared.

"Where's your mother?"

"She went to get hot dogs. She's coming."

"Long as you didn't wander off."

"Have you sold any books yet?"
"I have not."

"When is your speech?"

"In about an hour."

Michelle arrived back, and tossed us each a T-shirt. "I got you guys shirts," she said.

I looked at mine; it had the official Albatwitch symbol on it. "Hey, cool! Thanks!"

"After this, we can check in at the AirBnB and get something to eat," Michelle said.

I nodded. "And tomorrow, little man, we're going to take you to an ice cream museum."

"An ice cream museum?" Paul said, delighted.

"Yeah. Turkey Hill ice cream is made around here. They have a kid-friendly museum that we're going to before we head home."

"Any sales yet?" Michelle asked.

I looked at the two boxes of books still waiting underneath the table. "Well, it looks like I'll have plenty of Christmas presents for everyone," I said.

"I'm still hungry," said Paul.

"Come on," said Michelle. "I'll buy you another hot dog."

They walked off, and I went back to not selling any books. I was trying not to get too discouraged.

A young guy with a beard was near me on the sidewalk. "I gotta ask," I said. "Where'd you get the Squonk sweatshirt?"

He grinned. "Got it on Etsy," he said. "You know the Squonk?"

"Oh, yeah, my son wants to find one and cheer it up."
"Yeah, everyone wants to nurture a Squonk. I'm surprised so many people here know the Squonk."

"It's not one of the best-known cryptids, but in this crowd, there's gonna be some people who recognize it."

"True. Where'd you get your shirt?"

I  was wearing my black LHPS uniform. "It's custom made, but I get a lot of them on Amazon."
"LHPS."
"Lock Haven Paranormal Seekers," I said. "Up in Clinton and neighboring counties."

"Cool," he said. "I just joined Harrisburg Area Paranormal."

"Heard good things."

"Yeah, I was real picky about what team I wanted to join. I didn't want to get with a bunch of flakes, you know? I wanted someone who doesn't let their imagination run away with them."

I nodded. "Respect." I held out my hand. "Lou."
"Nick." We shook hands.

"Hey." I held out one of my books---Investigating the Paranormal. "On me. I like to encourage people who are doing it right."
"Man, I couldn't. Let me pay you. I can see you're collecting for someone with cancer...."

"My neighbor, Ellie."
"Let me make a donation."

"Okay. Fair enough." Closest thing I'd had to a sale all day. "I'm giving a talk in about twenty minutes in the building if you'd like to attend."

"I'll be there. Thanks."

As Nick walked off, Michelle and Paul got back. I looked up and saw someone in an Albatwitch costume walking past. I stared for a moment, delighted.
I looked at the Albatwitch.

The Albatwitch looked at me.

And I can't fight this feeling anymore.....

I've forgotten what I'd started from before....

I said,"Mister Albawitch! Time for a picture?"

"I'm actually a female Albatwitch," said a female voice from inside the mask.

"Oh, Sorry. Hard to tell with the fur...."

"Oh, sure."

I thrust my camera at Michelle. "I gotta get a picture."

We stood together, and Michelle took our photo. At least I could say I'd seen an Albatwitch.

....Baby, I can't fight this feeling anymore.

"....And the Giwoggle is the official monster of Clinton County. It was described as a sort of hybrid werewolf, with the hands of a bird and the feet of a horse. You can get Giwoggle t-shirts these days if you know where to look. For those of you who are pulling out your phones to Google it right now, that's G-I-W-O-G-G-L-E."

I saw several people try that. I was standing with a microphone in the River Trails Center, giving my talk. I had a good crowd, about fifty people.

And I was comfortable. This was my thing. I'm not a salesman, I can't sell my own books. But talking about Clinton County's paranormal activity....That, I can do.

"The Giwoggle, the Susquehanna Seal, the Potter Nondescript....They're some of our local cryptids, a lot of what make the Pennsylvania Wilds great. Any questions?" I looked around at the room. Nothing. "Wow. Easy crowd. Well, I have a few of my books over there, if anyone is interested. Thanks so much for having me!"

A round of applause. I walked over to the table, where I had the boxes of books. A small crowd gathered around, looking them over. One guy handed me a twenty. "I want one of each," he said.

"Thank you!"

A couple of other people bought a book. Apparently all I'd needed was to stand up and do my own commercial. One woman asked,"Will you autograph this for me?"

"Oh, sure, though that always feels weird." I signed the book. I've had regular newspaper columns since 2008, and I've never really gotten used to that.

"Why is it weird? You're the author."

"Yeah, but me signing autographs. I mean, seriously. Who the hell am I?"

The AirBnb was a small cottage in a quiet, residential neighborhood. Paul was raving through the thing---He loves travel spots. He will explore any hotel room almost immediately. He'd discovered a small office space in the back of the building, and was using the desk to go through some of the extra amenities.

"There's a small cemetery up the road, little man," I said. "You want to go explore it with me?"
"Nah, I'm busy," said Paul. "Have fun."

I left the cottage and walked up the road a bit. Only a few houses down was the cemetery, which was much smaller than I'd expected it to be. I mean, a lot smaller. I was looking at the graves of four soldiers, plus one monument. And surrounding it was a parking lot. I explored the entire thing in ten seconds.

I clicked a few photos, and then took a closer look at the monument. It had a long list of names on it, and was labeled as the Mennonite Evangelical Cemetery. It was not quite clear, but seemed to imply that these people had been buried there in the late 1800s, and were still there, though the cemetery had been gone since 1971. Something I'd have to look into later.

The sun was going down. I smiled and pulled out the EMF detector. There was no way this place wasn't haunted.

After breakfast the next morning, we went to check on the apple.

Paul and I walked into the woods, and with some searching, we found the spot where we'd placed the apple the day before. It was still there, and hadn't been touched.

"No Albatwitch," I said. "Not this time, anyway."

Paul picked up the apple. "Can I throw it?"

"Sure, no reason why not."

He drew back and winged it down into the trees. I said,"Maybe something will eat it down there."

We walked back to the car.

"Anything?" Michelle asked as we got in.

I shook my head. "Nothing took the apple."

"Well, there were about a million people here yesterday," she said. "Probably kept it away."
"That's true," I said with some surprise. "Can't expect cryptids to show up around huge crowds. I'm gonna have to come back at a quieter time."

We started driving down the path.

"Next stop," said Paul,"The ice cream museum!"

#101: Stop The Presses

I burst through the door and ran down the hall in the haunted house. I was wearing my ghost-hunting uniform, and had a flashlight in one hand and a laser thermometer in the other. I turned and checked inside one room, finding nothing, and then spun to the next room. Nothing. I raced down the hall toward the stairs.

Swiftly, I bolted up the stairs, shoving open the door and getting into the kitchen.

Five people sat around the kitchen table. Glancing around in some conclusion, I said,"Thought I heard a sound come through on the recorder."

One of the men looked at me. "That was probably my cell phone," he said. "It rang a minute ago."

"It was kind of a thumping sound----"

"Yeah, I use a smackdown from WWE."

I sighed. This whole thing was getting out of hand, and I'd about had enough of this one. Turning to the homeowner, a young woman in her early twenties, I said,"There were only supposed to be two of you in the house."
"I know, but they came over, and I couldn't send them home," she said. "My neighbor is a psychic. She's coming over later, too."

"A---"

"She's a psychic. She says the house is haun---"

"I'm gonna stop you right there," I said, holding up one hand. "Psychics aren't real. They don't provide any evidence."

"Yeah, but---"

"Your next line is 'She told me things she couldn't have known.' Right?" I could tell by her face that I'd gotten pretty close. "Stop and think. What exactly did she tell you?"
"When I was younger, I had a miscarriage. She knew the baby's name."

"Uh-huh. You ever post it on Facebook? No, wait---I've got it. Did she tell you an actual name plus the circumstances, or did she say something like 'I'm sensing the letter C' and you filled in the rest?"

"Well...."

"Yeah, I thought so." I picked up my bag and slung it over my shoulder. "Your house isn't haunted. I'm outa here."

My name is Lou. I live in Lock Haven, Pennsylvania, and I do a lot of things. I'm a librarian. I'm a writer. And I'm a paranormal investigator. Sometimes that's great. Sometimes it's a bust.

I was pulling on my tac vest when my son Paul found me in my office. 

"Where are you going?" he asked. "Is it a ghost hunt?"

"Not this time, not really," I said. "There's a girl with cancer named Ellie. I talked to her mom, and I asked if there was anything I could do. She told me that it would cheer Ellie up a lot to do an investigation with me, so I'm going to go down and play Make-A-Wish foundation; show her some of my equipment."

"Can I come?" Paul asked.

"Get your vest."

A moment later, we left the house, walked one block down the street, and into Ellie's house, which we could see from our own yard.

I'd met Ellie's mom Erin a couple of years ago, waiting in line to vote. I'd never met her kids before. Ellie was a young, blonde college student, and she had a dark-haired younger sister, Allison. As we sat down, Erin said,"Allison is going into kindergarten this year."

"You're gonna love kindergarten," Paul assured her. "You get to sing, and play at recess, and color and stuff."

I smiled. "So, Ellie, your mom says you'd like to learn about ghost hunting."

Ellie smiled shyly. "I'm into that."

"Well, we brought down some of our equipment to show you," I said. "We can plan a ghost hunt in a few days, I think, but I figured we'd start with a little lesson."

Paul tapped me on the shoulder. "Can I give her the present?"

"Sure."

Paul handed Ellie a laser thermometer I'd ordered for her. I said,"That's for you, Ellie. I wanted to bring you a little gift. Don't get discouraged. You're gonna beat this thing."

One of the perks of being me is that I get to just stroll into wherever I want. Like the library after hours, or the local abuse shelter, or in this case, the newsroom of the local newspaper.

It was a slow day. Laura, the editor, and Arianna, the graphic designer, were the only two in the newsroom. I'm old enough to remember it being filled with older, seasoned reporters. And, little by little over the years, the staff got younger. Now it's a bunch of people much younger than me, which I actually like.

"Hey, Lou!" said Laura. "What can we do for you?"

"Wanted to make you guys an offer." I sat down. "I'm looking for a few ways to be more fulfilled in my career lately. Work isn't cutting it.....Anyway, not your problem.....But one of the things I thought of was to go back to my column every week, instead of every two weeks. I used to do that, until we had to cut it back in 2016."

"Was that for that literacy column?" Arianna asked.

"That's the one."

"She drove us crazy," Arianna said matter-of-factly.

Laura nodded. "Sure, we can run you every week. Want to start now?"

"I already have the piece for the tenth in. Let me start after that. I'm not even asking for more money."

"Oh, I'll pay you," said Laura.

"By the way," said Arianna,"If you could send in your October ghost stories a little early and give me a heads-up on the graphics, that would help a lot."

"I can do that. I'm almost done with them now."

"We'd love to get you guys into this building," said Laura. "We think the old editor, Rebecca Gross, is still haunting the place. We could do an investigation and get a whole article out of it."

"That'd be cool," I said. "I'd actually love to do that. Let me talk to the team."

"I'll ask the publisher. We may be able to do this thing."

"That'd be great. I could actually use an investigation like that. You have no idea."

"Hi....We're here to see Lou?"

I heard it from back at my desk. It's one of the side effects of being right out in the open, in the oldest part of the library. I dream of one day having walls. I was expecting this one, though. I stood up and met Erin and Ellie as they entered my office area.

"Hi, guys," I said. "Come on up. Let's do some investigating."

I led them upstairs, to the old bedroom. Ellie looked around with some wonder---The place was built for a mayor of Lock Haven, and really is impressive. "Whoa," she said. "Look at all this."

"We're working on making it into a break room, but no idea when that's ever going to happen," I said. "Here, you can borrow my EMF detector, if you like. Let's get some readings."

We walked around the room, checking temperature and electricity, taking photos. Erin said,"Thank you for giving Ellie something to look forward to, Lou. This means a lot."

"Of course," I said. "The surgery is Friday, right?"

Ellie nodded. "We're going to Danville Friday morning."

"I'll send you a couple of my books, to read while you're resting. Also I remember hearing something about a haunted cemetery in Danville, someplace near the hospital. I'll look that up; maybe you can see it from your window."

Ellie smiled. "Thanks."

"We're nervous," said Erin.

"Understandable," I said. "Working on the money situation, too. I've seen your fundraising online."

"It's all going to be tough to afford," said Erin.

I had a thought.

"Erin, I'd like to do a haunted tour for you guys," I said. "I can't pay off all your bills, but I can help out a bit, maybe make a couple hundred dollars. I can do it up in our neighborhood, but I won't do it without your permission. What do you think?"

"That would be really cool," said Ellie.

"Yes," said Erin. "Thank you."

"Is Lou here?"

I can hear people come in at the main desk around the corner, but I can never be sure whether to hide or not until it's too late. Claire said,"Yeah, he's right at his desk."

Older guy, stained T-shirt. Gray hair that looked like he'd combed it with, at best, a mop. He stopped by my desk and said,"You wrote that article about the Flatwoods Monster."

"Yes," I said. "I did."

"That's pretty good. You read the book about the Flatwoods Monster? A guy investigated that. I had a teacher once who told me what really happened with the UFOs in Washington in 1952. The whole Air Force got surrounded. Now, how did they cover that up? You know what else they covered up? Lovecraft. Some people think the Necronomicon isn't real, but it is."

Shoulda hid.

I get these conspiracy nuts, some of them genuinely insane, who come to talk to me form time to time. They don't have a whole lot of people who want to hear this, so they latch onto me. I don't much want to hear it either, but they don't care.

"Now, I got a buddy who tells me about that bus accident, out on the railroad tracks near the prison. Is that real?"

"Nope," I said.

He somehow managed to look honestly surprised. "No?"

"No. What you're talking about is a gravity hill, where a train kills kids on a bus. And cars roll uphill, out of the way. These are stories all over the country. Now, you're the first person I ever heard who put this one by the prison. I've heard other locations, all of which incidentally are on top of a hill. If you don't know your car is going to roll downhill, I can't help you."

"So that's just a, what, a urban legend?"

"Yeah. It is."

"Hunh," he said, and left, pondering that.

I turned back to my computer and checked my e-mails. Nine times out of ten there's bad news, or some crap I gotta deal with. But this one was good. This one was from Laura.

We were on for the investigation at the Express.

On Friday morning, I put Paul on the bus to school. Then I went home; it was just me, the dog, and the hamster. I drank some more coffee, wrote an article, and then biked down to the grocery store and bought a box of cookies and a large pack of paper towels. I withdrew forty dollars from the register, asking for it in fives.

Then I biked down to the nonprofit I volunteer with, checked in, and dropped the paper towels and cookies on the table. Julie let me in.

"How's it going?" she asked.

"Got my tour tonight," I said. "I needed some starting change, so I thought I'd treat you guys to cookies. And I  know you always need cleaning products, so I'm donating it. I made the grocery give me all fives."

She handed me a five-dollar bill. "I'm not sure I can make it for the tour, but let me donate to her."

"Thanks. You're the first."

Lacey came into the break room. "Hi, Lou," she said. "How's everything?"

"So far, so good. How about you?"

She grinned. "Hope I can make it for the tour! How's that coming?"

"Little nervous," I admitted. "I'm hoping for a crowd. Ellie deserves this; her family needs the money."

"You'll do fine. You always do."

It's actually kind of nice to do a tour within walking distance of my house. Paul and I walked down the street before it began, as the sun was going down. He peered ahead down the street, and reported,"There's already people there."

"Good," I said. "I've been stressing about the weather all week, but it ended up being nice out. Now all I need to worry about is the crowd."

There were already several people waiting. I collected five dollars from each---Some people overdonated, giving more money than required for Ellie. Chris and his wife Kate were there, and Lacey made it with her son. Laura was there. As eight PM arrived, I saw Ellie in a wheelchair, pushed by Erin as they came down the street.

I activated my speaker system---It's a nice little speaker that clips on my belt, given to me by the Jersey Shore Historical Society a couple of years back. It had been a while since I'd had the chance to use it.

"Here's the guest of honor!" I said. "Ellie, good to see you." I turned to face the crowd, spread out along the sidewalk. Had to be about thirty people. "I'd like to thank you all for coming and supporting this family. It's a good night to take a walk and hear some ghost stories, so let's get started. Our first stop used to be a dairy, but before that, a family lived here, and their daughter died of diphtheria at age fourteen. Her name was Ruth, and she is still believed to be haunting the house...."

We got to the Express at seven, and Laura let us in the front door. I'd been there plenty of times, but never at night. Like most places, it looked a little different in the dark.

"Thanks for coming," she said. 

"Hey, thanks for having us."
"Do you need some sort of headquarters, or...."

"Place to drop our stuff, sure," I said. 

"You can use my desk."

We walked up the stairs to the office. The Express has a LOT of stairs. Up in the newsroom, we dropped our stuff. I dug out my tac vest and put it on.

"Do you guys have some kind of system?" Laura was snapping photos with her elaborate camera.

"More or less. We're going to go around and take some photos, get some readings. That's what we do first. Then we'll sit down and turn on the recorders, do an EVP session. Are there any hotspots in here? Places where you get a lot of activity?"

"The publisher's office," Laura said immediately,"And the conference room. Sometimes at night I hear typing from back there when I'm alone."

"I'm going to start with my recorder now," said Millie, sitting down at one of the desks.

"Good idea."

Millie began the continuous recording while Tami and I circulated and got some photos. I said,"Getting some weirdly high EMF readings on this window back here. Is there a power line outside?"

"I don't think so," said Laura. "No wiring back there, either."

"It's odd. This place has been maintained---Even at your outlets, I'm not getting a lot of EMF bleed."

I saw Tami snap a photo over her shoulder, casually, as if trying not to attract attention. Very cool move.

"Let's try the conference room," I said.

We went and sat down around the table. Millie set her EMF detector down, and I set down both of mine and turned on the recorder. "Seven-thirty PM on September 18th. Lock Haven Express, second floor, conference room. Lou."

"Millie."

"Tami."

"Laura."

"Is there anyone here?" I asked.

"Did you work here?" Laura asked. A moment later, she said,"We think it might be Rebecca Gross. She ran this place for decades."

"It would be in character for her to still be working," I said. "She died in, what, ninety-nine?"

"Ninety-eight," said Laura.

I stood up and walked around the room, taking a few readings. I walked out into the press room, and looked at the bulletin board.

"Hey, Laura," I said,"You guys got a sticker here with the twenty-four hour phone number of the Pennsylvania UFO Center. Got anything you want to tell me?"

"We do?!" Laura came out and looked. "I didn't even know that was there. This building is full of surprises."

"Getting a reading on my EMF detector," Millie said.

I looked down. Her EMF meter was spiking to orange as we talked. I said,"Is that someone? Rebecca? Do you want to communicate with us?"

A moment later, mine started doing the same thing. My all-in-one stayed steady, with no jumps or temperature fluctations.

I circled the room, snapping photos. I said,"Did you hear a clicking....?"

"I heard it," said Tami. "In that corner."

"Yeah." I got more photos.

"That's about where Rebecca Gross had her typewriter," said Laura. "That wall wasn't here then; it was added later."

The EMF meters spiked again, the lights running to orange. I said,"This is great. Laura, you'll never see something like this on the TV shows, but this is a really good night."

I handed Erin the envelope. "Here you go," I said. "Three hundred and fifty-five dollars. Use it however you like."
She hugged me, then hugged Paul. "Thank you both so much."
"How's everything going?" I asked.

"It's good," said Ellie. "I have to go all the way to Danville for radiation five days a week, but the surgery got all the tumor. So it's good."

I smiled. "I'm glad. Let me know if we can do anything else. We'll get out of your hair."

Paul and I walked outside, onto the street. As we walked down the street in the dark, he said,"That made them happy."

"Yeah," I said. "We made them very happy. We used our skills to help them a lot, which is good. And it's the kind of thing I want you learning as you grow up."

As we walked down the street, Paul's little hand slipped into mine. "I love you, Daddy," he said.

I smiled. "I love you, too, pal."

#100: Sea Change: One Guy Is An Island

I was just back from camp when I got a message about the paranormal. It happens.

I almost ignored it, then I read it over again. I walked into the other room, where my wife was watching TV.

"What do you think about a trip to Tionesta?"

"Didn't we just get back from a trip?"

"Yeah, but there's a program for at-risk kids out there that sent me a message. They have this annual event about the paranormal, and they just lost a guest speaker. They asked if I could fill in. It looks really cool; it's on an island in the Allegheny River. And it's in the PA Wilds, so I can get an article out of it, too."

"When is it?"

"Next Sunday," I said. "Day after I'm booked to give that talk at Hyner Run."

"Okay," said Michelle. "Anything cool out there to check out?"

"I don't know," I said. "But I'll find out."

The monthly meeting was me, Heather, and Ashlin. The others hadn't been able to make it. We sat in Heather's house, with her giant dog checking in on us periodically.

"It's been slow lately," commented Ashlin. "What can we do to drum up a little business?"

"You know," I said,"I think we all need something. Millie's husband died, Heather's grandfather died....I'm still recovering a bit....I think we need some time together. Every time I write something about the Pine-Loganton Road, the most haunted road in Clinton County, we get a lot of attention online. Maybe we need to investigate the PIne-Loganton Road."

"What's out there?" asked Heather.

"Well, there's a old legend of a murdered servant girl who appears in the form of a dancing cupboard. There's Bigfoot sightings. And I been working on water monsters all summer....There's a story near Sulphur Spring, where there's a horned serpent caused by a comet."

"That's a water monster?" asked Ashlin.

"If you squint."

"This sounds good," said Heather. "You know I'm in."

You'd think it might be unusual to have dinner in a haunted house, something that only happens in the movies. But my family does it every Friday. Tif, Biz, Paul, Michelle, and I sat around the table.

"I hate to eat and run," I said,"But as soon as I do the dishes, I gotta get out with the team. We're going to investigate the Pine-Loganton Road, the most haunted road in Clinton County."

"What time will you be home?" asked Paul.

"Probably around nine. Don't forget, little man, we're going to Hyner tomorrow night for my speech. And I may look into the Susquehanna Seal while we're there. And then on Sunday, we're going to Tionesta."

"What's in Tionesta?" Tif asked.

"I'll be speaking at a program for at-risk kids," I said. "Makes me feel good to use my paranormal experience to help out a little. We'll be on an island, with a lighthouse, and get this, the local library has a small cemetery right there on the property. It's one of those situations where the land was donated, but it already had the cemetery, so they agreed not to disturb it."

"Cool."

"I've had a song in my head all week," said Biz, who often comes up with these announcements out of left field. "Total Eclipse of the Heart."

"At least it's a good song," I commented.

Biz sang softly,"Turn around...."

Tif joined in. "Every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you're never coming round...."

"Turn around...."

"Every now and then I get a little bit tired of listening to the sound of my tears...."

They both sang together: "Turn around, bright eyes...."

And that was when I joined in. "And I need you now tonight....And I need you more than ever....Forever's gonna start tonight! Forever's gonna start tonight...."

We all sang together. Paul, who didn't know the lyrics, smiled and just loved it.

"Once upon a time I was falling in love....Now I'm only falling apart....Nothing I can say....A total eclipse of the heart."

I sat in Heather's SUV next to her as she drove down the Pine-Loganton Road. Heather's hair was dyed bright blue. I was wearing my LHPS uniform and my classic tac vest. In the back sat Millie and Tami, our new member.

"I couldn't get the right coordinates for the dancing cupboard spot, so I had to figure it out more or less by hand," I said. "Should be up about here, Heather."

Heather pulled over, and we got out of the vehicle. I walked around to help Millie get out. I've known her a long time, and sometimes it surprises me that she's aged. I'm almost the age she was when we met.

"Thanks," she said as I helped her out.

"After all these years," I said,"I finally get to hold your hand."

She laughed. We fanned out along the road and began taking readings with our equipment. I got out my laser thermometer.

"Turning on recorder," said Heather. "We're along the Pine-Loganton Road, looking into stories of the dancing cupboard. Is there anyone here? Why take the form of a cupboard?"

"I've always wondered that," I said.

I walked around on the road, taking readings with my thermometer. Heather glanced over, and said,"Cool."

"New laser thermometer," I said. The new one was purple. "I admit I ordered it just for the color. It's my favorite. While I was at it, I got an all-in-one EMF detector---Three different settings, some of which I'm still figuring out, plus a thermometer and a flashlight. Saves some weight when I'm packing stuff."

"So where can we get these?" asked Tami.

"I'll send everyone the link. Amazon suggests this stuff to me now." I looked down at my thermometer.  "What the hell?"

Tami glanced over. "Something?"

"Yeah, maybe. It's late August, and it's like ninety degrees out here. So why the hell am I getting a reading of twenty-six?"

"Is it Fahrenheit?" asked Millie.

"Yeah, I always leave it set to Fahrenheit because it's easier to understand." I showed Tami the screen. "Just for a minute, I got a serious drop. Could be our first ghost of the night."

Fifteen minutes later, we pulled up on another corner and got out. Heather looked over the foliage and commented,"Look, mint. Wild grapes, raspberries...."

"If Bigfoot wanted to eat, it would be a good place," I said.

We hiked back into the woods a bit. There was a thin trail that led back. I spotted a cluster of whitish hair on the ground, and knelt down beside it. "Hair," I said.

"Probably deer," commented Heather. 

"Probably," I said. "But I'm taking a sample. I haven't given up hope of a blonde Bigfoot."

Heather laughed. "I'm going to start keeping a journal of your quotes. I haven't given up hope of a blonde Bigfoot is a good one."

We walked back through the woods. I said,"Don't wanna leave Millie alone in the car too long. We'd better get back, and check on the Sulphur Serpent."

We rode down to Loganton, and I pointed. "The pavilion over there---That's Sulphur Spring. There's a legend there of a Native American guy who was killed, and a comet turned him into a serpent monster and gave the water a heavy Sulphur flavor."

'What?" asked Millie.

"Yeah, it doesn't make any more sense when you read it," I said. "Some of the tribes believed that drinking from the spring had healing powers."

"How can you get it down with the Sulphur?" asked Millie.

"I'll never know. I couldn't do it. Specifically, they believed it could cure a hangover, and it's too bad I can't drink it, as I was up half the night and spent about $3.50 getting one."

We stopped and got out of the car. Tami and Heather headed immediately for the footbridge, and I said,"Be right with you. I'm gonna test this water. Keep an eye out for serpents."

I walked over to the spring, getting out my litmus paper. I knelt down by the spring, under the pavilion. I could smell the water from where I was already.

"Sulphur," I said softly.

I held the litmus paper under the water for a moment, then pulled it back. It had turned a light green, which I compared to the little chart that came with the kit. Then, sliding the whole thing back into my pocket, I walked across the bridge to Heather and Tami.

"Water's a little alkaline," I said. "Nothing too dangerous."

"No serpents?" Tami asked.

I grinned at her. "Not yet."

Heather said,"Look at those divots in the rock down there. I wonder what those are."

"From here, they look manmade," I said. I considered a moment---There'd been a time I'd have climbed right down the bank, and I decided I wanted to be like that again. "Let's check."

I scrambled down the bank and stepped over the water on the rocks. Heather landed nimbly behind me---I'd known she would. "If you fall in, I'm not fishing you out," she said.

"Think I'll be okay."

We knelt down by the dents in the rock. I said,"These look Native American to me. Some sort of cooking thing, maybe? Put your water in there to heat it up. They did a lot of that."
"Yeah, this didn't happen naturally," said Heather, running her fingers in one.

"Confirms that the Native Americans were here," I said. "All points to the legend."

We looked out at the sunset in the SUV, on the way home. Heather said,"I love this area."

"Me, too," agreed Tami. "I'm glad I moved here. This is a great place."

"I needed this tonight," I said. "I'm glad we got the chance to get together and do this, guys. I really needed this."

I sat on the bench beside my wife, watching Paul in the pool at Hyner Run. At eight, Paul is more confident in the water than I've ever been, which continually fascinates me. He was throwing pool toys into the water, letting them sink, and then diving down to retrieve them. And then throwing them in to start all over again.

I stood up. "I'm gonna go for a walk before my speech," I said.

"Have fun investigating your monster," said Michelle.

"What monster?"

"Whichever. Whatever monster you're sneaking off to find."

"You're so suspicious," I said, and then walked off to look for the Susquehanna Seal.

We were at Hyner Run, which flowed into the Susquehanna. I was even wearing my Susquehanna Seal shirt on it, showing the monster that had often been sighted in these waters. Earlier in the summer, I'd come up with the theory that it was a rogue Hynerpeton, a prehistoric creature that had been discovered only in Clinton County. I'd started off the pandemic investigating the Susquehanna Seal, and now here I was doing it again.

I felt good. I was in a good mood, and some of the self-improvement I'd tried to work on over the summer seemed to be taking effect. I could feel myself taking up my old rhythms, feeling more like the old me before COVID knocked out a lot of my confidence. I was getting some of that back now, and it was a good thing.

I got to the peaceful, grassy spot down near the bridge, and I dropped my pack to the grass. Walking down to the run, I tested the water with litmus paper---I knew it could support life, as I could see bugs and fish in the water, but you gotta follow procedure. It was a perfect seven, exactly the right pH.

I looked at some of the plants. With something prehistoric, you reach what I call the Population Problem---If there are sightings over a hundred years, you're obviously not looking at one creature, but a family of them. If I was considering a leftover prehistoric Hynerpeton, it had to eat. And the plants had all changed, since those days. I knew of only one tree, the gingko, that was still around from that long ago.

I looked at the bugs, skirting across the top of the water.

What if it was a carnivore?

Now, that was an interesting thought. Thought all the plants had changed in the past million years or so, insects and fish hadn't much, at least not in terms of nutritional value. A carnivore could have lived in these waters that long without having to evolve much, diet-wise.

I walked back up the path. As I walked, I saw a DCNR vehicle rolling down toward me. I raised a hand and waved, and an arm waved back from the window. He pulled up beside me, and it was my friend Ian, who booked me for a speech every year.

"How you doing, Lou?" he asked.

"I'm good, Ian," I said truthfully. "How about you?"

"Yeah, I'm good," he said. "Thanks for coming tonight."

"Glad to do it," I said. "Thanks for inviting me."

"You finding everything allright?"

I nodded.

"Oh, yeah," I said. "I'm finding some interesting stuff."

That night, everyone was in bed. Michelle, Paul, Rosie. This left me up with Emily, our new hamster, and probably Ida, the ghost in the house. I sat in the kitchen with my laptop.

"Hi, Ida," I said. "How you doing?" Some nights I do this, just talk to Ida with everyone else asleep. "It's your anniversary, isn't it? A hundred and seventeen years since the night you died. I'm doing a little research, if you want to stick around."

I got online, and searched for Hynerpetons.

Among all the pictures and other information, I found an article that said, based on their jaws, they were carnivorous. They lived on bugs and small fish.

"Well, Ida," I said,"Looks like my theory is good."

The borough of Tionesta reminds me a lot of Renovo, back in Clinton County. As we pulled into town mid-afternoon in the Prius, I was getting serious Renovo vibes.

"Right here, right here," I said excitedly. "Stop at the local library!"

Michelle pulled the car in. "Says it's closed."

"It is closed. But they have a cemetery, and I gotta check it out."

I climbed out of the car. I had my deluxe tactical vest, the one with all the patches and pockets. I took a few readings with the thermometer, and clicked some photos. 

Someone came up the slope behind me. Paul.

"Check it out, little man," I said. "I wish our library had a cemetery."

"It's cool," Paul agreed.

"And this is only the beginning of today," I said. "We're gonna go out on the island so I can make my speech."

"Cameron doesn't know how to ghost hunt," he said. "When I was playing with his the other day, he had an app. I told him they're all fake, and he wanted to know why I think everything's fake, and I told him I know, cause my dad's a ghost hunter."

"Proud of you, little man."

"When I'm older," Paul asked,"Can I take over your team?"

I smiled.

"Yes," I said. "Yes, you can."

The island was really cool. There's no other way to say it---The island was cool. We drove in on the small bridge, and parked by the building. We walked around a few minutes, looking at the lighthouse standing over everything, and the park that even had a model of the Statue of Liberty in it. I'd fallen in love with Tionesta immediately upon arriving, and this just made it even better.

"Is that a hot dog stand?" asked Paul.

"You hungry? Come on, let's get you a hot dog."

We bought Paul a hot dog, and then I found my contact person at the front of the building. I recognized her in a moment, and said,"Roni? Hi, nice to meet you!"
"Thank you for coming," she said. "We have a table set up for you."

I brought in my equipment and set it on the table. I had laser thermometers, EMF detectors, recorders, and cameras along with the LHPS business cards. My vest was in the center.

The guy currently speaking was going on about demons and werewolves. Michelle leaned over and whispered,"Oh, they're gonna just love you."

"Yeah. I was thinking that."

A kid came up to the table, looking things over. He asked,"What's this?"

"Night vision binoculars. If you press the button on top, a laser lights you up."

"Cool. This is awesome." Pointing at the tactical vest.

"Yeah, man," said another kid. "That's really cool."

I grinned. "Looks pretty bad-ass while I'm investigating."

Roni went up and took the microphone. "If everyone could please take their seats," she said,"Our next speaker came all the way from Lock Haven to be here today. I'll let him come up and introduce himself, and please give him your attention. Lou?"

I walked up to the front of the room. I was wearing my shirt with the ghost silhouette symbol on it. I stood in front of the table and set down a few pieces of my equipment.

Paul came up and sat down in the front row.

I smiled at the audience.

"Hi, everyone, and thanks for having me," I said. "I appreciate your being here today. My name is Lou, and I'm a member of the Lock Haven Paranormal Seekers. We do scientific, measurable investigations of our local places. Let me say, I am loving Tionesta! I've never been here before, but I love your community. This place is great."

I took a deep breath, and then grinned.

"Now," I said,"Let's talk about the paranormal."

And it ended with bedtime....As most things do.

Night had fallen. I walked along the sidewalk with Rosie, and then entered the house. I let her off the leash, and she jetted for the stairs. I followed along.

Paul was already in bed, under the covers. I gave him his goodnight kiss, and said,"Goodnight, little man. I'll see you in the morning."

"Goodnight, Daddy," Paul said, already preparing to not fall asleep until after eleven.

I stopped at his door and turned around. He said,"What?"

"What's your favorite thing we investigate?"

He thought it over. "Ghosts. Also Bigfoot. And cryptids. Why?"

I smiled. 

"Just wondered, little guy. Goodnight."

#99: Sea Change: A River Runs Near It

"The Susquehanna River," I said,"Is not supposed to flow that way."

Tif and Michelle looked up from the table. Paul got up to join me at the restaurant window. I said,"Look at that! This is one hell of a thunderstorm. The wind is blowing the river in a way it's not supposed to go---In this area, the Susquehanna runs south, but the river's actually blowing it east toward us."

"I hope we can get to camp," said Tif.

"We'll manage," I said. "I'm glad we're in here for the duration, though."

"Dad!" said Paul. "I think I see Ray!"

"You mean Raystown Ray?"

"Yeah!" 

"Wrong county, little guy. We're after the Susquehanna Mystery Thing this trip." I glanced back out, where the rain was beating hard against the window. "This is a great storm! Best day all summer!"

"Well, fuck."

I removed the sopping wet sleeping bag from the car and flung it over the porch railing to dry. Most of our stuff had come through unscathed. Packing my shirts for the trip had involved two Loch Ness Monsters, two Snallygasters, a Bigfoot, and a ghost. Tif came out of the cabin door and sat down on the bench. I sat down near her.

"Stuff got goddamn soaked on the roof of the car," I said. "We'll try to have it dry by morning. In the meantime, I'm gonna look into the Susquehanna Mystery Thing."

"Water monster?"

"Yeah, it's been sighted in this part of the Susquehanna. A reporter wrote a whole piece about it, some big thing swimming in the water. I checked it out once before from the west side of the river, when we were in Lewisburg. A drunk guy drank my water sample. Now I'm gonna try it from here." I lit a cigar. "Been using this summer to try and put myself back together."

"I wasn't aware you were falling apart."

"COVID did a number on my head. I'm not what I once was. Been too depressed to hunt ghosts; not enjoying my job."
"What else would you do?"

"You'll notice I'm still there."

"You hide this well. You've been a little irritable, but I had no idea it was this bad."

"I'm working on it," I said. "Trying to come back."

I walked down along Chillesquaque Creek, which feeds into the Susquehanna. I was wearing my travel outfit: Black fishing vest, fingerless gloves with skulls on them. I had a Loch Ness Monster pin on the vest, and my green cryptozoology kit slung over one shoulder. I stopped and took a water sample, securing it in my pocket. 

As I walked back up to the camp, a golf cart pulled up. There was an older couple in it. "Going fishing?" the man asked.

"Something like that," I said.

The woman looked me over. "You're one of them investigators, ain'tcha? My son is really into that."

"I am," I said. "I'm looking into reports of a water creature."

I walked up to the pavilion and dropped about $3.50 on a couple of sodas. The employee, a woman with a badge that said,"Ranger Kelly," asked,"Enjoying your trip?"

"So far. Let me ask you a weird question."

"Oh, there's no such thing as weird questions," she said. 

"You'd be surprised. Do you know of any good ghost stories out here? Cryptids, that sort of thing?"

She smiled. "I'm not from here. They're short-staffed, so they brought me up from Florida. But there's a guy who works here who's really into that stuff. He's away at a funeral right now, but I'll call him and ask. He'd love to tell you some stories."

"Thanks. I appreciate that."

I walked down the path toward the pool, which was where Paul was spending most of his time. There was a camper along the path in Site 75, where the owner was outside working at a table. The camper had an American flag in Christmas lights on it, some conservative-looking stickers, and a sticker that said,"I party with Sasquatch." That caught my attention, and I stopped and looked him over.

Heavyset guy. About my age. Wearing a camouflage hat, black shirt, and cargo shorts. He was smoking a cigar. He had an array of dart guns and cameras set out on the table in front of him, and, I swear, a goddamn Alfa Romeo parked in front of the trailer.

He looked up and saw me. I glared at him. He glared at me. I held up two fingers pointed at my own eyes, then turned them around and pointed them at him.

I turned and walked up to the pool, where Paul was splashing around under the supervision of Michelle and Tif.

"Hi, guys." I sat down.

"I am exhausted," said Tif. "I couldn't get any sleep last night, because I can't sleep unless I'm sitting up. Maybe I'll sleep in the car tonight."

"That could get really hot," I said. "And kind of damp---The car's still drying out from the thunderstorm. I'll pile some sleeping bags up for you, and see if that helps."

"We'll try it."

"There's another paranormal investigator in camp," I said.

"Did you talk to him?" Michelle asked.

"No."

"Isn't there some kind of code?"

"Fuck him, he looks like a Trumper redneck. I got enough friends in the business---Kevin, Norman....He was over there smoking a cigar, like he's all special."

"Dad," said Tif. "Let it go."

"Never. He's wearing a leaf camouflage hat, so that makes me automatically smarter. He probably believes in gravity hills and stuff. I'm gonna beat him to the Susquehanna Mystery Thing. I can take him."
"Of course you can," said Tif. "How many multi-tools do you have on yourself right now?"

"Does my Swiss Army Knife count?"

"Yes."
"Six."
"Is that counting the bottle opener on your belt buckle?"

"....Seven."

"You think he has that many?"

"Sitting there with his dart guns," I said. "Shady bastard. I can take him."

"Hey, Pipper," I said,"Want to help me do the litmus test?"

Paul came out from the cabin's back bedroom. "Sure," he said.

I reached into my vest pocket and pulled out the water sample and the litmus paper. I passed them to him---At eight years old, the kid knows what to do. He dipped the paper into the water, and compared it to the colors on the small chart on the package.

"Looks like an eight," he said.

"A little high, but still able to support life," I said.

He sat down on his bed. "I want my puppy," he said.

I hugged him. "I miss Rosie, too. But she's having fun---She's in the kennel with other dogs, and having her own little adventure. We'll see her in a few days. In the meantime, let's have fun."

I walked along the river, looking for signs of water monsters. You know, that common camp activity. It had gotten really hot out, and I'd stopped to unzip the vent flap on the back of my vest. It folded into a small pocket on the bottom, leaving the back more ventilated mesh.

I walked up the hill a little bit and hit the overpass. Then I stopped. Someone was standing there, looking out over the river.

It was him.

He had his dart gun on the guardrail, and a camera with a tripod set up and aimed out over the river. A pair of very expensive-looking binoculars hung around his neck.

We stopped and stared at each other from a distance. Cue the theme to The Good, The Bad, And The Ugly.

I glared at him. He glared back.

My eyes narrowed. 

He sneered.

We could have probably done that all day, but then there was a splash up the river.

We both turned to look. Something big was up there, splashing around.

Simultaneously, we bolted.

I turned and ran for the best angle. He ran for his camera. Equipment matters, but there's a lot to be said for being mobile---Everything I needed was tucked into the pockets of my vest. I ran down the overpass, vaulting over the guardrail and into the grass. He grabbed the camera and reversed, following me.

I kicked a branch into the way as I ran. He leaped over it and kept coming. I got through the trees and down toward the river. I was in better shape---He was starting to breathe hard, and his camera slipped from his hands and hit the mud.

I had my camera out and slid the strap around my wrist---I'd done this so many times I didn't even need to think about it. Clumsy procedure there, guy. I stopped where there was something large in the water, splashing away from me and headed upstream. I raised my camera and snapped a photo.

Got it.

He was still trying to get into position as I walked away. Score one for the good guys.

Immediately upon waking up, Paul wanted to go to the pool. Michelle took him up, and Tif took a book and went out to read. I made myself a cup of coffee with one of the single bags we'd bought, and drank it on the porch for a while. I studied the map of camp, looking for places to stake out. After I was done, I walked up and joined them.

"Still can't sleep, Dad," said Tif. "The sleeping bags fell off the bed, and so did I."

"What would help?" I asked.

"If I could sit up against something solid," she said. "It's how I do it at home."

"Hmm."

I sat for a while and looked out over the pool area. I could pick out Paul, splashing down the slide with a bunch of other kids he'd just met that day. There were parents throughout the area, some sitting in the chairs or lounge chairs, of which there were maybe a hundred. Some of them had alcohol, which even I can't get into at ten-thirty in the morning. 

I looked at one of the lounge chairs.

"Be right back," I said.

I walked toward the pavilion. A couple on the way, stopped, looking at me. "Are you Lou?" the woman asked.

I was fifty miles from home.

"Yeah, that's me," I said.

"I read a lot of your articles."

"Thank you. I hope you're enjoying them."

I found Ranger Kelly working the register in the snack bar. She smiled when she saw me. "I called Bert," she said. "I left him a message asking about ghosts."

"Thanks. I have another weird question. My daughter is handicapped, and has trouble sleeping if she's not sitting up. After hours, would it be possible to borrow one of the adult lounge chairs for her to sleep in?"

"Oh, I don't see why not," she said. "I'll call maintenance."

Five minutes later, a maintenance guy arrived and I repeated the question to him.

"I'll go one better," he said. "We have the old chairs that we're not using anymore up at the warehouse. I can get you one of those right now."

"That'd be great," I said. "Thanks."

Tif lowered herself carefully into the pool chair, testing it out. After fidgeting around for a while, she smiled. "I think this might work, Dad."

"I was hoping," I said. "Better than sleeping in the car. They were really nice about bringing it down for us."

There was a knock at the door. Paul and I went to answer it. Ranger Kelly stood on the porch.

"Just the guy I wanted to see," she said. "Is the lounge chair okay?"

"It looks like it's going to work," I said. "Thanks so much!"

"Of course, of course," she said. "I spoke to Bert on the phone. He's really into the ghost stories, and he was all excited." She handed me a slip of paper. "The Rishel Covered Bridge, near here, is haunted by some children who died there. He says if you cover your car hood with talcum powder, you can see the handprints of children who push it away."

I smiled. I said,"That's great. Thanks."

Paul said,"But Daddy, isn't that---"

"Sssh. Ranger Kelly, I appreciate this. You know, you should also share this with the guy in Site 75. He's into this stuff, as well."

"Will do!"

We walked back inside. Tif asked,"Who was that?"

"Ranger Kelly tracked down a ghost story for me involving a bunch of dead kids and a talcum powdered car."

"That's a gravity hill," she said. "You hate those."

"Yeah," I said. "But with any luck, she'll pass it on to the other guy, and he'll waste his time checking it out while I discover a river monster."

Tif and I are always the last ones awake on these family trips. Michelle generally can't wait until bedtime, and Paul wears himself out enough that he passes out immediately. So we wound up on the porch together, talking for a while after dark.

"I figure I'm gonna go take a walk before bed," I said. "Stake out the river and see about the monster. I'll head down to the overpass."

"What is it with cryptids and overpasses?" Tif asked.

"I don't know, cryptids love overpasses. The Virginia Bunnyman won't stray more than fifteen feet from an overpass."

"The Virginia Bunn---You know what, never mind. Have fun."

I walked down the road, along the creek. The sun had set, and it was cooling off a bit. 

An Alfa Romeo with conservative stickers rode past me and turned right, heading for the covered bridge. I smiled.

I got to the overpass, walked down to the bank, and sat down. I lit a cigar. I wouldn't do that if I were staking out the place for, say, Bigfoot, but it was unlikely that a water monster was going to smell the tobacco and get suspicious. And I waited.

Over the summer, I'd uncovered a hoax and brushed up on my ghost hunting. I'd spent time with Paul, and made a few plans. Working on myself.

COVID had knocked a lot of the confidence out of me, but I could come back from that. Over two years of worry had taken a toll, and I knew I wasn't the only one. What I needed to do was find the joy in life again.

Down below, in the water, there was a sound. I looked down with the night-vision binoculars. A catfish was down there---I could see it in the green laser light. It looked at least three feet long.

If I didn't have binoculars made specifically for darkness, all I'd be seeing was something big, slithering through the water. The Susquehanna Mystery Thing could just be a series of giant-sized catfish.

I smiled.

Things were looking up.

 We walked into the small office, where a woman was waiting at the desk. Another woman went into the back and came out with our small black dog. Paul and the dog launched themselves at one another.

"Rosie!"

Paul hugged her. Rosie bounced around, taking turns jumping on all of us and managing to get a few good licks on Paul's face. I smiled.

"She's coming home now, buddy. You get to sleep with Rosie tonight."

Paul hugged his dog.

"I love you, Rosie," he said. "I'll never leave you again."

Sea Change: Killing Time

I walked through a giant heart, someplace in the left ventricle. Paul was ahead of me, wearing his Harry Potter robe and carrying a wand. We walked through the heart and downward, until finally we came out in the Franklin Institute in Philadelphia, where Michelle was waiting for us.

"The giant heart is exactly the way I remember it as a kid," I said. "I used to come here on field trips a lot. We lived just an hour north of here."

"Well, it was a good idea to come for the Harry Potter exhibition," said Michelle,"And then stay for the rest of the museum."

"Can I go in the heart again?" asked Paul.

"No reason why not," I said. Paul ran into the giant heart, and I sat down on the bench with Michelle.

"See that plastic lung over there?" I said. "I showed that to my dad when I was a kid, in an effort to get him to quit smoking."
"Did it work?" she asked.

"Yeah. Just forty years later, he quit."

She nodded. "I booked a hotel in Allentown overnight. We can sleep there and head back to Lock Haven in the morning."

"That'll be nice," I said. "I have a class on water monsters to teach at work, so I'll be needing to get back. I'm still checking into the Susquehanna Seal, so I'm hoping to find some sort of results to publicize."

"Still doing the water monsters?"

"Still working on it. It's good practice for me, trying to get back to what I once was. When I was a kid, I built a sea monster trap in my dad's pond. It was the only body of water I really had access to. It's probably still sunk to the bottom someplace."

"Anything like that near the hotel?" Michelle asked.

"There was a UFO sighting there," I said. "Maybe I'll check into that. But if I have to spend the night just hanging around the hotel room, I'm capable of that."

"No you're not."

"Usually something turns up to kill a little time."

Paul exited the heart, smiling. "Can we go back to the brain now?"

I looked out the car window as we rode over the Schuylkill River bridge. The river, coming from the north, was below us as we rode out of Philadelphia.

"I spotted a water monster down in this area as a kid," I said.

"Cool," said Paul, who was busy eating some of the candy from the gift shop. Michelle had spent considerable in the gift shop, and Paul had, at my estimate, at least $3.50 worth of candy in his mouth at that moment.

 "My grandfather had a farm in Montgomery County, and I used to spend a lot of time there at the Schuylkill River," I said. "When I was, oh, eleven maybe, I saw something in the water one summer. Tried to get pictures with my Polaroid. I always pictured it as a plesiosaur or something like the Loch Ness Monster, but it could have just been an especially big catfish, or a loon, or something."

"What's a loon?" asked Paul.

"A really big water bird. Though it's worth noting that there are some huge fish in the water, and some of the people in Philadelphia believe there's monster creatures. Probably because of the constant dumping of murder victims into the Schuylkill. I'd love to make another round, and see if I can investigate it."

"Maybe we'll do that sometime," said Michelle.

"Can I come?" asked Paul.

"Of course you can," I said. "I need you."

I watched Paul splash around in the hotel pool, cheerfully diving under and coming up for air. "Speaking of water monsters," I said.

"What are we going to do about dinner?" Michelle asked me.

I shrugged. "Gotta be someplace around we can eat. I'll ask at the desk, I suppose."

"You want to go ask now? While Paul is swimming?"

"Might as well," I said. "I wanted to explore anyway."

The woman working the front desk was dark-haired, with glasses, wearing entirely black clothing. I had the feeling that she might be a good person to ask about the local haunted scene; she had the look. I waited until someone else had checked in, and then stopped at the counter.

"Hi, checking in?" she asked.

"No, we're already in room three-twelve," I said. "Just had a couple of questions. How are you doing?"

"Having a rough day," she admitted.

"I'm sorry to hear that," I said. "I work with the public, too. I get it. Is there anyplace around that we can get something to eat?"
"P.J. Whelihan's," she said. "It's right up the street, two lights and then turn left. It's really good."

"Thank you. This next one is gonna sound kind of weird....Are there any good ghost stories around here?"

She smiled and lit up. "Right here!" she said.

"Here in this hotel?"

"Oh, yes," she said. "We have stuff happen all the time."

"This makes you my best friend in Lehigh County," I said. I handed her my card. "I'm a writer and paranormal investigator. I'd like to hear more about this."

"Oh, really? That's awesome! Sure! Well, the whole hotel is haunted. We have stuff happen a lot. Just the other night, I heard footsteps here in the lobby---They walked right up to the desk, but there was nobody here. We've had people die in here. One guy got shot right where you're standing, and we get ODs in here all the time."
Most of the time, hotel staff aren't as open about that sort of thing. I was intrigued, though I decided not to share the part about the ODs with Paul. 

"You mind if I do a little investigating?"

"Nope, that'd be great!"

"Okay, cool. Mind if I ask your name?"

"I'm Madison. I'm the manager here."
I shook her hand. "Hi, Madison. I'm Lou. So if you see me walking around down here later with my son, carrying around some equipment, don't be alarmed. We're just checking for dead people."

"That's so cool," she said.

After dinner, Paul and I wandered down to the lobby of the hotel. There was a very long back hallway I'd discovered that led down that way, making it easy to reach from our room.

"How come you get to wear the cool stuff?" Paul asked.

I looked down at myself. I was wearing my alien shirt, skull gloves, and the black fishing vest I used for traveling. "I packed my uniform," I said. "You want me to get you a travel model?"

"Yeah." He was wearing a set of peach-colored pajamas.

We walked into the lobby. Madison was there with another employee, a black woman. She took one look at us, and said,"Oh my god, are you the paranormal guys?"

"Yeah, that's us. We're going to do a little investigating. I'd planned to focus on cryptozoology this summer, but your ghosts are good practice, too."

"That is so cool," she said. "This place is so haunted. Stuff happens all the time. Do you guys have a YouTube channel?"

"No, but my team's got a Facebook page." I handed her the LHPS card.

"You have a little ghost on there! I love it!"

"We're going to be doing a few tests in here, but we won't be too obtrusive."

"Help yourself," she said.

I got out my new all-in-one EMF meter. It was around five inches long, with a small screen and a thick antenna on top. "This is my new piece," I said. "It measures both EMFs and temperature, plus it's got a flashlight built in. I'm testing it out tonight."

"That's pretty cool," she said. "You don't use a spirit box?"

"Not usually, but mainly that's because it interferes with my other equipment."

"Oh, I see."
Paul looked at the new piece. "Daddy, can I try it?"

I handed it to him. "Go get some readings."

"We have stuff happen all over this lobby," Madison told me. "One night the pinball machine came on all by itself."

"I'm going to get a few photos," I said.

The lobby was big and open. I walked through with my laser thermometer in one hand and my camera in the other, snapping photos. I got a slight temperature rise on the south side that turned out to be coming through the windows. Paul came out of the hallway with the all-in-one.

"Can I have the regular thermometer?" he asked.

"Sure. Let's trade. You want the wand, too?"

"Yeah."

I handed him the laser thermometer and the small, wand-style EMF detector. He walked over to the wall while I checked the middle of the lobby.

"Daddy." he said. The wand was beeping against three small mirrors that hung on the wall.

"Try the outlet nearby."

He moved the wand over to the outlet, and the beeping slowed. Back at the mirrors, it picked up again.

I glanced at Madison. "There's no reason for that," I said.

She raised her eyebrows.

"I'm also getting some high readings over here, in the center of the room," I said. "No reason for that, either. Normally you check to make sure you're not near any power lines, but there can't be any here. When I lower it to the floor, the readings drop off."

"So there might be something," Madison said.

"It's certainly possible."

Paul circled the room and came back around to me. "I think I saw something in the hall."

"You want to join me for an EVP session?"

"Yeah."

We sat on the lobby couches, and I turned on the digital recorder for a few minutes of sound recording. I'd taught Paul to d this when he was five, and he was getting pretty good at it. We went back and forth for a little while, firing off questions for the ghosts.

I clicked off the recorder. "Okay, little man. Having fun?"

"Yeah."

"Well, Madison over there mentioned to me that the pinball machine is haunted, too. I brought ten dollars in quarters for you to play with, so you want to try it out?"

He smiled. "Do you think the snack machine might be haunted, too? I want some Oreos."

"Come on. Let's get you Oreos, and then play pinball."

Ten PM. I was sitting in bed with a book, wearing my Lake Erie monster pajamas. Michelle was already asleep, and Paul was laying out pillows and blankets on the floor.

"You planning to sleep on the hotel floor?" I asked.

Paul nodded. "Yeah."

I let it go. I'd done dumber things at his age. "Thanks for helping out with the investigation tonight, little man."

"I had a fun day today, Daddy," he said.

I smiled.

"I'm glad," I said. "You lay down and get some sleep. We'll be heading home tomorrow."

Sea Change: Ray Of Hope

It began with coffee, as most things do.

I took a sip of black coffee and looked across the table at Chris. He and his wife Kate were in the coffee shop when I'd bumped into them, and I'd joined them for a few minutes of hanging out.

Chris had once been my intern, and had gone into a career similar to mine---Local tourism, history research, freelance writing. He asked,"Has Ian invited you to do a speech at Kettle Creek or Hyner this year?"

"We've discussed it," I said. "Don't have a date yet, but it's looking pretty good."

"Doing your tours this year?"
"Oh, yeah, I'll send you the flyer."

"What's the summer reading theme?" Chris asked.

"This year, it's oceanography," I said. "Not the easiest thing to plan around in central Pennsylvania, but I'm trying to make it work. Looking for programs that involve the ocean, or close to it."

"The Susquehanna Seal," said Chris.

"Funny you  should bring that up," I commented. "I usually tailor some investigations around the summer reading theme. Back in 2019, when it was space, Paul and I looked for UFOs all summer. Last year, with animals, we hunted cryptids. This year, we're looking at a summer of water monsters."

"You know a lot about water monsters, do you?"

"I know you're not supposed to feed them."

"I suppose that's a start. What else is  there, besides the Susquehanna Seal?"

"Bunch of water monsters around. The thing is, this kind of feels like....I don't know, closure, to me. I was about to go to New York and look into the Silver Lake Serpent when COVID all came down and the world changed, you know?"

"You were going all the way to New York to check out a water creature?"

"I was checking out the water creature to avoid spending too much time with Paul's Cub Scout Pack. There was one little guy, Alex, who drove me nuts. His mother runs the pack. One of these days, I'm going to hit Alex's mother. With Alex. They had the camping trip to Silver Lake planned."

"But then COVID...."

"Yeah," I said. "COVID came, and derailed everything. In fact, as best I can recall, I was working on the Susquehanna Seal the week before it all started. Since then, I've worked on a bunch of UFOs, dealt with three dog deaths, quit ghost hunting and gone back to it, changed my uniform twice, and had a summer full of cryptids. Seems to me like if I can spend the summer making progress on water monsters....Well, maybe I can get back some of the confidence I've lost."

I took the tongs and turned over the chicken, then closed the grill and sat down at the picnic table. Paul was messing around bringing everyone cups and plates for our family dinner outside. I picked up my can of beer---Can't grill without a can of beer---And took a drink.

"You want to go to Raystown sometime?" I asked Michelle.

"Okay," she said. "What's in Raystown?"

Tif grinned. "You're going after Raystown Ray," she said.

"I am,' I agreed.

"What sort of unknown creature is Raystown Ray?" Michelle asked.

"In Raystown, there's swimming and a playground for you and Paul. Water monster for me," I said. "I kinda tried to do a search for Pennsylvania water monsters, but it kept giving me my own articles. Really started pissing me off. So I decided to go for Raystown Ray, a vegetarian water monster in a manmade lake. When it comes to Pennsylvania lake monsters, Ray's kind of the boss fight."

"Is Ray the only one?" asked Tif.

"There are a few others. The Ogua, near Pittsburgh...."

"Didn't you investigate that one a couple of years ago?"

"Nah, that was South Bay Bessie, up in Erie. Not gotten to the Ogua yet. I've never investigated Raystown Ray, either, though I've always kind of wanted to."

"Well, the next day you're off, then," agreed Michelle.

"Is the food done?" Tif asked.

"Few more minutes," I said. "I might do a little prep work for Ray---Check out the Susquehanna Seal again or something. I've investigated the Susquehanna Seal before, but it's good to keep in practice."

I went to check on the food. Tif rolled over while I was flipping the chicken. "Gonna practice on the Susquehanna Seal?" she asked.

"I can use the workout. Last time I recall investigating a water monster was the Altamaha-Ha last summer. When I was a kid, the water cryptids were always my favorite. I chalked a Loch Ness Monster on the wall of my dad's garage. I was always out looking for a monster in the Schuylkill River near my grandfather's place."

"Was there one?"

"Well, hope dies hard. I only had access to just so many bodies of water as a kid."

"Think you'll find a water monster this summer?"

"We can hope. Looks like that's going to be my main summer activity."

"Gonna go out for a bit," I told Zach at the desk. "See if I can round up some prizes to raffle off for our Clinton Challenge."

"Okay," he said.

"We got people counting their reading hours every week, competing with Clinton, New York and Clinton, New Jersey to see who can read the most," I said. "Need some raffle prizes for this thing."

"Take your time," he said.

I went outside, got my bike, and rode downtown. I stopped and hit up a couple of businesses for gift cards, and then biked over the the Susquehanna River.

There were a couple of families at the public beach. I walked down the levee and scanned the shore, looking up and down the river. Doing this sort of research always makes people look at you funny, but I'd long since gotten over that. I watched the river for a while, and then walked down to get a water sample.

As I dipped a sample tube into the river, a little kid came up to me. "What are you doing?" he asked.

"Getting a water sample to test," I said,

"What's your name?"

"My name is Lou."

I tested the water with my litmus paper, and it ranked in about a seven. Pretty much ideal for supporting aquatic life. I walked along the edge for a little, looking at the environment.

There were a couple of gingko trees growing on the shore. I had a thought, looking them over, and I walked back to my bike and rode off.

I walked into Tif's apartment after work. She was sitting at her desk. 

"I picked up the bed that was delivered," she said. "I tried to call you because the box fell in the doorway and blocked my way in, and I was trapped, but I figured it out."

"Well, I'm glad you're not trapped."

"What's up, Daddy?" she asked.

"I need to take a look at that Hynerpeton poster I gave you," I said. I walked into the bedroom and looked at the poster.

"Yeah, the Hynerpeton," said Tif. "Archaeologists discovered a prehistoric creature right here in Clinton County."

"They did." I examined the poster, which had labelled Hynerpetons and some of the foliage from the era. "I'm thinking about this, lately. There was a creature discovered here....And there were articles about a water monster in the river....."

"You think the Susquehanna Seal could be a leftover Hynerpeton?"

"It's a theory. Not sure it could survive the Pennsylvania winters---Hell, I have trouble surviving the Pennsylvania winters---But if the species was able to stay fed.....Look, this plant...Otzinachsonia Beerboweri. Those have to have been found locally; they're named after the river. The Native Americans used to call this whole valley Otzinachson. Did I ever tell you it meant 'Demon's den'? They believed this whole place was haunted."

"Well...."

"I know. But if there was one native plant they could eat, they might have evolved to eat others. They've had millions of years."

"They could survive the winters by burying themselves in the mud, like some frogs do."

"Could be. I need to work on that this summer, see if I can find any evidence for or against. We have a water monster and our own personal amphibian, and they could be connected."

Raystown Lake runs for twenty miles, and you can tell you're in the tourist zone before you ever get anywhere near the water. There's a million places selling supplies, firewood, camping spaces, and other things. We stopped at the visitor's center first, and went in to look around.

We immediately got sidetracked by the penny machine. After a couple of dollars, Paul and I ended up with a few flattened pennies with fish stamped on them. We walked through the gift shop, and Paul picked out a doll that he liked.

"Not a lot of Raystown Ray stuff in here," I observed. "I expected I'd be able to get a t-shirt or something."

"Found a patch," Michelle said, and handed me a Raystown Ray patch that cost about $3.50. I took it to the register.

"So, I'm sure you get this all the time," I said to the girl at the counter,"But tell me about Raystown Ray."

She smiled. "Ray's a mystery. We don't see him much. We have a photo over there, but not much else. He doesn't show up too much. We like keeping it a mystery. We have a display here...." She slid a frame over to me, showing a little information about Raystown Ray, and two photos of footprints.

I examined it, and clicked a photo of it. The prints looked liked fakes to me; too well-defined, no changes in depth or clarity.

"I'll take this," I said, sliding the patch over.

"I'm ready to go swimming," Paul said.

"That's our next stop."

At seven, Paul likes the water far more than I ever have. We drove down to the beach area, and he was n the water within a minute, wearing his new bathing suit. Michelle set out the lawn chairs and sat down. I changed into my cryptozoology vest.

It was a new black fishing vest----Generally, anywhere you're going to investigate a water monster, you'll see no shortage of fishing vests around. I had blue fingerless gloves and a survival bracelet, and a Loch Ness Monster pin on the left side. It was loaded up with everything I needed to look into Raystown Ray.

"I'll get your water sample, Daddy," said Paul.

I handed him a sample jar. "All yours. Go ahead."

Paul splashed into the water without hesitation, and filled it up. I watched him pour a little out and then refill it a couple of times, until it was filled to his satisfaction, and then he brought it back to me.

"You want to handle the litmus paper?" I asked.

"Yeah."

I pulled the kit out of my pocket and handed it to him. He tore off a piece, dipped it into the water, and compared it to the chart on the package. "A seven," he said.

"Seven is good. Seven means the water can support life."

"Well, obviously. Otherwise I couldn't swim in there."

'Well. I mean like fish and stuff."

"Water monsters."

"Water monsters."

He happily splashed back into the water, and I walked around Raystown Lake. I followed the path, and found that it wound back and up the hill, to a little lookout area with a concession stand.

I stopped at the edge, working my way around to the best point. I could see Paul splashing around down below, and I had a good view of a couple of miles of lake. I got out my binoculars and scanned around. For a second, I thought I saw something, but it turned out to be just a boat. 

I spent about half an hour up there, checking around for any sign of the monster. There was plenty to see, but  nothing paranormal. So I turned and headed for the concession stand.

"Can I help you?" the woman asked.

"Well, I'm going to wait for my family to get hungry," I said,"But what can you tell me about Raystown Ray?"

"He's a myth," she said immediately. "A long time ago, one of the council people came up with the story to boost tourism. It probably keeps people away, though, because they're afraid to get attacked. Ray's just a myth."

I nodded. "Thanks."

I walked back down to the beach, where Paul was still going at it. I sat down beside Michelle. "Man, these people really do not stand behind their product."

"What do you mean?"

"You know how you go down to Punxsutawney, and you can't get anyone to say anything negative about the groundhog? It's exactly the opposite here. At best, nobody's interested in Raystown Ray, and at worst, they flat-out say he's not real. I got better interviews than this looking into South Bay Bessie. Hell, I got better interviews than this looking into the Altamaha-Ha, when n old man told me I was going to get eaten by an alligator."

"So it's not real?"

"Doesn't seem so. Raystown Ray is almost certainly a publicity stunt that the locals don't seem that fond of. That would explain the fake prints, and the fact that Ray is often said to eat plants. Nobody wants to swim when they might get attacked by a water monster."

"Well, Paul's having fun."

I watched my son splashing around in the water.

"Yeah, it wasn't a wasted trip."

Two nights later, I sat in a bar with Tif. We tried to go out once in a while and have a drink together. Paul was in his dance class, so tonight had seemed a good time.

"So Raystown Ray was a bust," I said. "That one is a hoax. I'm really surprised the story gained so much traction, particularly since the locals don't seem to fond of it."

"I'm sorry about that, Dad," she said.

I shrugged. "I'm just as happy to get to the truth of it. I mean, I'd love to meet a water monster, but I'm also glad enough to debunk one. That's what it's all about, really---Not finding the paranormal, but finding answers."

"Well, summer's just beginning."
I took a drink of beer.

"True," I said. "There's always the Ogua."