Backdoor Pilot

I don't understand why the schools schedule the kids to get up far too early to be any kind of productive. Personally I handle it with coffee. I was drinking out of the ghost-hunting mug Tim had gotten for me when Paul came into the kitchen.

"Your mom called from work," I said. "The school sent out a message. They closed down, so you'll be at home learning online today."

Paul looked out the back door window. "It's snowing out!"

"It's coming down pretty hard," I agreed. I was wearing my "Yeti For Action" shirt. "So you do a couple of hours of online school, and then we'll have internet problems and just hang out."

"Okay."

I stood up. Paul and I began dancing around the kitchen. "We got a snooow day! We got a snooow day!"

It was coming down really hard outside. I said,"Listen, kid, just so you're aware, this cold is nothing to screw around with. So just be careful. We will not be going barefoot. We will wear layers, and definitely a coat. This is Yeti weather."

"Will the cold leak out my bedroom window?"

"We'll make sure the curtain is pulled shut; that'll help. It'll also help if you don't kick the blankets off while you sleep. And for chrissake, wear pajamas."

"Aww."

"It will keep you warm, kid."

"Well, okay. Are we gonna look for Yeti prints in the backyard later?"

"Of course."

When I got home from work that night, there was an Amazon package on the kitchen table for me. "Can I open it, Daddy?" Paul asked.

I nodded, and he tore the package open. Three packs of cards came out.

"What are these?" he asked, examining one.

"They're Zener Cards," I said. "They detect bullshit."

He continued looking the cards over. I shuffled up a deck. "You know how some people say they have psychic powers? Talk to ghosts, see the future, and crap like that? Mostly, those people are liars or idiots. These cards help to test that." I held a card up, facing away from Paul. "Here. What do you think is on this card?"

"A square?"

I flipped the card around; it was wavy lines. I held up another. "How about this?"
"Square?"

It was a circle. Paul said,"Boy, I am really bad at this."

"You're not actually supposed to be good. Most of the people who say they're psychic are scammers, or just want to believe."

"So if I'm bad at this, it means I'm a sidekick?"

I laughed. "You're my sidekick no matter what. But most people will be bad at it. Most people get about one in five from sheer luck. If someone does better than that, they may have actual psychic powers. But most people don't." I held up another card. "How about this one?"

"Um....a circle?"

I flipped the card. "Nope. This one's a square."

It had warmed up the next morning. The girls came out the door after a five-minute wait. Our neighbors had lived next door for a year and a half, and we'd gotten close to the family. Paul and I walked the kids to the bus stop every morning, and I'd recruited them into a little club we called the Ghost Gang.

"Okay, guys," I said. "Bigfoot was in the neighborhood last night. Here's a training for you. There are Bigfoot prints all over the street, so I want you to follow them and figure out what he was doing."

I'd taught Paul paranormal investigation years ago. His little friends had expressed an interest, so I'd begun training them, too, because it's not enough that my life is weird, I have to inflict in on the children, as well. Besides, it kept them busy.

"There's one here!" Serena said. I'd gone down the street and chalked huge footprints all over the place the day before to give the kids something to do on the way to the bus stop. Paul ran ahead.

"One's here!" he said. "And here! Bigfoot crossed the street!"

"Very good," I said. "Now, if you find a print in nature, you're going to want evidence. I'll teach you how to make a plaster cast this summer, but for now, a photo will do." I got out my camera and my pocketknife. "When you get a photo of a Bigfoot print, make sure you put something next to it for context. That way, you'll be able to tell the size." I laid down the knife beside the footprint, and snapped a photo. Across the street, I saw Paul doing the same thing, setting down a container of slime and using his cell phone.

"The last print is down here, guys," I said.

"This is fun!" said Serena.

"Think I'll do this more often," I said. "I can train you guys on the way to the bus stop."

One Wednesday after school, with the kids playing out front on the sidewalk, I walked out back. I walked through the alley for a minute before settling on the shed next door. I pulled eight color-changing pencils out of my pocket and slid them in a small hole under the shed.

Then I walked back to the house, picked up a photocopy of a Sanborn map I'd made a couple days before, and marked a blue X by the shed at the alley. Then I went to find the kids out front.

I arrived as the discussion seemed to be escalating into "Let's ride this scooter off the porch and see what happens" territory, which made me feel pretty okay about interrupting. 

"Guys, come here," I said.

They all gathered on the sidewalk. I said,"This is a map to a hidden treasure. You guys have to work together as a team to find it."

"What's the treasure?" asked Sekiya.

"You'll find out." I handed the map to Paul. He looked it over, and said,"It's somewhere near this house. Four-sixteen."

"Which way is that?" asked Love.

"I think this way." The kids headed east down the block, counting off numbers. Love saw four-fifteen across the road, and then they spotted the right place.

I said,"Now, it'll help to orient the map. Turn it this way---See, the street is here? So put the street on the map in the same direction. Now, which way to go?"

After a moment of figuring it out, they set off in the right direction. Fortunately, all of our neighbors are used to this bunch trespassing through their yards. They ran back to the alley, and spotted the shed.
"Right there! Let's go in!"

"No....No, don't go in. Look at the map. Where's the mark?"

Paul looked. "Here, by the alley. I see."

They walked behind the shed, and Paul said,"Here!"

He reached in and pulled out the pencils. The kids all gasped. Paul said,"We found it! Who wants what color?"

It was thirty-four degrees when I got home from work, so of course I found the kids lying on the sidewalk in the dark. 

I was getting the mail when they spotted me. "Hi, Dad," Paul called over.

"Hey, buddy," I said. 

"We're looking at the stars," said Love. "Want to do it with us?"

"Hell, yes, I do," I said. "Wait here."

I was back out in a minute with my star chart, star scope, binoculars, and an old book. "Finding the Constellations" by H.A. Rey. I was wearing my "Bigfoot Saw Me But Nobody Believes Him" shirt and my puffy vest. I'd gotten the vest a year ago for investigating the ghost of a mobster, and I'd grown to love it. During the winter, I practically lived in the thing.

When I got back, Serena and Love were all excited. "We saw a UFO!"

"No kidding? What did it look like?"

"Like a star, white, but moving," said Serena. "Pretty fast."

"Did it keep moving, or did it sort of disappear?"
"It disappeared."

"You probably saw a meteor, which is itself pretty cool. Love that." I set everything down, and said,"You guys are gonna like this. Look, I can see Orion the hunter from here. See, there's his shoulders, there's his feet, there's the three stars in his belt...."

"I see it!" said Love excitedly.

"See the little cluster, just below the belt? That's his sword."

"Well, kinda," said Love. "It doesn't look much like a hunter."

"Yeah, the ancient Greeks were pretty imaginative. Sometimes you gotta squint."

"What's this?" Serena asked, looking at the star chart. 

"That's a star chart. Careful with that, I've had it since I was a kid. See, we can line it up---February fifth, at eight PM----And see? There's Orion."

Serena gasped. "I can see it! It makes sense now!"

"Yeah, the ancient Greeks used a lot of imagination when they named these constellations. Want to see the Big Dipper? We'll have to walk around to the back door." The kids followed me to the back yard. "Okay, over there's the Big Dipper. The handle is pointing down, see?"

"Oooh, yeah," said Love.

"Paul, can you tell me which way is north?"

"That way."

"You got it. See, girls---Start with those two stars, and then follow along---That's the North Star. Polaris. That way is north."

"What's this?" Serena asked.

"That's a star scope. I use it when I'm investigating aliens." It was a tube, about six inches long and three inches thick, with a lens on one end. "Look inside. Aim it at the porch light." 

Serena looked in and gasped. She now had a view of the entire night sky, printed on a little plastic piece inside the tube. "I can see all the stars! What's the fish?"

"That's Pisces."

"There's a ram..."

"That's Aries."

"This is so cool!"

"Dad, can this book be my reading for tonight?" Paul asked.

"Sure," I said. He began reading the constellation book by lantern light. In the front cover was an old letter---My mother had sent me the book, and I still had the letter tucked inside there. I glanced at it.

Dear Monkeybrain, it began.

"This is so cool," said Serena. "We should do this every night!"

I smiled. "I could be persuaded to do this more often."

That night, in Paul's dark room, putting him to bed. I pulled the covers up over him, with Rosie and Butters lying at the foot of the bed. He said,"Daddy? I'm gonna need another compass."

"Oh?"

"I broke mine."

"The one from your backpack?"

"Yeah. The lens fell off. It's outside by the lawn chairs."

"Well, compasses are cheap and easy enough to get. Why is it outside?"

"I put it out there for an emergency," Paul said. "Like, if the house burned down and we needed to get to a hotel, and the hotel was north, we could go find one."

....It's possible that I'm overtraining this kid.

"Well, it's good to be prepared," I told him, running my hand over his head. "But don't worry---House has been here since 1884. It's not gonna burn down. I'll get you a new compass. Do you want one like you had, or one like I had when I was a kid?"

"I want one like you had."

"Okay, kiddo. I'll get you one." I kissed him on the forehead. "Goodnight, little man. Get some sleep."