Here's The Thing

"I'll be right back, Barb," I told my co-worker at the desk. "Gotta run out and get a water sample."
She nodded.
"For work-related purposes," I assured her.
"Okay," she said.
There is a certain freedom that comes when nobody cares what you're doing. Nobody is interested enough to keep tabs on me. I went outside, got my bike, and biked down Second Street to the Susquehanna River.
In the early nineties, the city built a dike along the river to prevent flooding. It works, but it also meant I had to climb all the way up, and then down the other side. The river side is covered with rocks, and I had to watch where I placed my feet.
I had a bad moment when one of them shifted and I almost went down, but I caught my balance and made it to the bottom. There was a flat area down by the river that looked safe, so I walked down and knelt by the river.
I was wearing my sweatshirt that said "Yeti For Action" and my black jacket with the adventure equipment concealed in it. I got out a sample container and dipped it into the water, getting a few ounces for testing.
You think being a paranormal investigator is all screaming in haunted houses? No, there's a lot of actual science involved. You have to take samples, you have to figure things out, and you have to learn things.
Standing up, I looked it over. Then I screwed the cap back on.
Back to work.

My name is Lou. I work at the local library. As you may have guessed by this point, I'm also a paranormal investigator.
You say the word paranormal, and people immediately think ghosts. But that's only part of it. Investigating the paranormal also covers UFOs, cryptozoology, psychic activity, and other fields. I do it all.
I also run a group at the library, called Teen Paranormal. We meet once a month. I have a very enthusiastic bunch of kids who come every month, and I teach them how to investigate a different topic each time.
That's me.
Teaching the students of today how to deal with the dead people of tomorrow.

"Allright, guys," I said to the kids,"Tonight we work on water monsters."
The weather outside the Sloan Room was horrible, but three of the Teen Paranormal kids had made it to the meeting. I gave the handouts to Devon, Olivia, and Austin, and set our water samples on the table.
"The interesting thing about water monsters is that you're definitely on their territory," I said. "I mean, you can try to follow Bigfoot back to his lair. You can't do that with a water monster. You'll run out of air long before it does. Can you guys give me any examples of a water monster?"
"Loch Ness," Devon said immediately.
I grinned. "You're right. That's the big one. Also, it's on my sweatshirt. There are others, including locally---I've investigated the Susquehanna Seal up in Kettle Creek. I'm going to look for one this weekend, in Lewisburg. Gonna sneak out during my wife's company holiday party."
"Your wife's company has the holiday party in January?" asked Devon.
"Yeah, they seem to figure it's too busy around the actual holidays,' I said. "This will give me something to do instead of socializing with her co-workers."
"You gonna let us know how it goes?" asked Olivia.
"Course I will," I said. "The monster is called the Susquehanna Mystery Thing, and it's been sighted around that area. I'm gonna check into it, maybe try to bait it, and test some water samples. Which is what I want to show you tonight."
I opened the containers on the table. "You guys ever use litmus paper before?"
"I think...in Biology," said Devon.
"Two of these are samples of acids and bases," I said. "The other two are samples I got from the Susquehanna River and the Chesapeake Bay, where I've investigated a monster named Chessie. You guys are going to test them to see if they'll support life." I got out the litmus paper. "Don't hesitate, this stuff comes in hundred-packs for about $3.50. Who wants a chance?"

The Lewisburg Children's Museum was a neat place; you could tell that right from the front doors. Paul and his Cub Scout pack ran around looking at the sculptures, one of which resembled a large box of crayons. My wife looked at my outfit.
"Is that what you're wearing to the party tonight?" she asked.
I looked down at my black sweatshirt with the ghost on it. "I thought so."
"I expected something a little more....I don't know...."
"Look, Mom," said Tif. "It's a clean black sweatshirt. His bandanna is black. His sneakers are leather. This is formal wear, for him."
I saw Barenda arrive, and went over to talk to her.
"How's Koti?"
"She's doing okay," said Barenda. "Feeling better now."
"Tell her I'm pulling for her," I said. "I'll send the water monster handout from work."
"Cool. I'll print it out for her."
"I'm going to look into a water monster tonight," I said. "We're staying in Lewsiburg for my wife's company party. Gonna sneak away and check for the creatively-named Susquehanna Mystery Thing."
Barenda laughed. "Not in a party mood?"
"Socializing isn't always my thing. I'm more of a catch-the-monster kind of guy."

After the museum trip with the Cubs, we checked into the hotel. I'd been studying maps of Lewisburg---I never go anywhere without getting familiar with the geography---And I knew where a pond was to collect a water sample. I picked up my small crypto kit, a smaller, pocket-sized version of the usual shoulder bag, and I said I was going out to look for monsters. As one does.
I stopped at the hotel's computer to send a message to the kids, letting them know I was starting the investigation. I immediately got back messages of encouragement from Aubree and Kayla.
It was a pleasant day out. I left the hotel and walked downhill and around to the pond, which was very near Route 15. The source came from the river and was part of the same water table, so the tests should be effective. As I crossed the grass, a goose came hissing at me.
Dammit. Goose. I have investigated ghosts, monsters, and once a vampire, but geese are a Lovecraftian horror. In the sky, geese are majestic examples of airborne beauty. On the ground, they are nasty feathered buckets of psycho. I ran at it, waving my arms, and he backed off reluctantly. I walked down to the pond's edge, dipping a sample container in the water.
The dumbest thing you can do, when you want to investigate the paranormal, is to run right out and try to do it with no experience or education. I've known people who do that, and it's always a disaster. It's why I teach the kids. You need some sort of basic knowledge of several fields---Chemistry, biology, astronomy, history, forensics. I'm not an expert in any of that, but I know enough to apply it to the paranormal effectively.
I stood up and capped it. As I walked up the hill, I saw him again---The goddamn goose was coming back, and he'd brought three of his friends. I could handle one goose maybe, but not four of them.
I ran. I ran back across the grass and into the parking lot, the geese chasing me and hissing. They stopped at the edge of the grass, which apparently was their territory. I walked back to the hotel and let myself into the room.
"How'd it go?" Tif asked.
"Geese," I said.
"You saw geese?"
"Goddamn geese chased me away from the pond."
Tif laughed. "Geese are terrifying."
"I told you I didn't want to catch anyone spiking their drinks tonight," my wife said. "What the hell is this?"
She held up my flask, with an alien head and my name on it. I'd filled it with bootleg whiskey.
I said,"That could be anybody's monogrammed alien flask."
"We have a very strict rule about the alcohol," said Michelle. "Two per person. We're handing out the tickets."
"But you have access to extra tickets, right?"
"Not this year. April handled the tickets."
"Two beers? You lured me here under false pretenses."
"Can we do the color-changing paper, Daddy?" Paul asked.
"Yeah, let's do it," I said. "I got a sample."
I set the water sample on the bathroom sink and handed Paul a piece of litmus paper. He dipped it in and tested it. "Green," he said.
We lined it up against the chart, and I said,"Looks like a seven. You think?"
"Yeah. Seven. This green one."
"That means the pond can support life. That works."
"Can we do it again?"
"Want to test your Cherry Coke?"
"Yeah!"
I got Paul's bottle of Cherry Coke and poured a small amount into the cap. He dipped the litmus paper into it, and it immediately turned a deep shade of red.
"Holy crap," I said.
"This one matches," said Paul, looking at the chart.
"That's a three," I said. "This stuff is way more acidic than I'd thought."
"Are you ready to go to the party?" Michelle asked.
"Yeah, I guess I'm ready," I said. "Let's make a stop on the way. I wanna throw Cherry Coke on some geese."

I waited until the party was in full swing before I slipped out. My wife is the head of the Social Committee, which meant she was going to be fairly busy running things. It wasn't much of a challenge for me to snag my jacket and duck out the side door, taking a walk down to the river.
I wasn't too concerned about the two-beer limit. They'd tried to place a limit at every one of these office parties, and given tickets out to enforce it. Almost instantly, an underground black market in tickets had always sprung up, with way more tickets circulating than expected. I wouldn't have too much of a problem getting an extra beer if I really wanted to.
I got down to the water's edge. I'd filched a piece of chicken from the buffet before I'd slipped out, for investigative purposes. I tied a piece of string around it, tied the other end to a tree branch, and let it slip into the water. Bait.
I got out my night vision binoculars and scanned the river. I didn't see anything, not yet. It was a warm night out, which was good---There's not much point in investigating water monsters when everything's frozen over. I took out a second sample container and dipped it full of river water, then walked back up to the party.
Several people were standing outside and smoking. I set the sample on a post and uncapped it, at which point one of my wife's co-workers came up and said,"Hey, whatcha got? You know they're limiting us to two beers?"
He grabbed the sample and drank it, tossing it back like a shot.
"Hey---"
"That's smooth," he said. "You got any more of that?"
"Not on me. But I know where I can get some."
I walked back down to the river.
The bait was gone. Water monsters apparently will eat chicken. Or maybe geese will. I got another sample, and this time tested it on the spot by flashlight. It was an eight---Very slightly alkaline, but not enough to make a difference to anything living there. I walked back up to the party. The guy was still out smoking. At least I knew the river water wasn't poisonous.
Michelle was still arranging the party handouts. I sat down at our table with her co-worker Mary.
"How have you been, Lou?" Mary asked. "How's Paul?"
"He's good," I said. "Five now. He's in kindergarten, and he loves it."
"Catch any ghosts lately?"
"A few. Actually, I'm looking into a water monster....You live in this area, right? You ever hear any stories about a huge creature in this area? It's known as the Susquehanna Mystery Thing."
"No, I haven't heard that," she said. "But there are some big animals living in the river. My son caught a eel that had to be four feet long at least."
"There are eels in the Susquehanna? It could be eels. Most of the sightings are from fishermen, and they could easily be spotting some eels that are bigger than expected."
"That could be," said Mary.
I nodded and stood up.
"Well, I'll be back in a minute," I said. "I think it's time to get a beer."