Long Way Home

NO PARANORMAL INVESTIGATIONS, the sign said.

"So," the woman asked me,"Are you a paranormal investigator? Or some kind of writer?"

"Both, actually," I admitted. "How did you know?"

"Well, you have an alien on your shirt. And your belt. And skulls on your sneakers."

"It's maybe possible that I overdo it."

My name is Lou. I'm a writer, historian, tour guide, volunteer, and explorer, but mostly I'm a paranormal investigator. I've been doing it for a while now, and I've pretty much reached the point in my career where I can ask someone if they've recently seen the Mothman with a straight face.

I was waiting to go on a tour of the old haunted jail in Jim Thorpe. My wife, my son, and his little friend were whitewater rafting the Lehigh River. I'm not much for the water, so I'd agreed to hang out in Jim Thorpe for a few hours before they picked me up and we headed off to my family's farm in Slatington.

The jail was known to be haunted, but they were a little touchy about photos an investigations. My plan was to essentially sneak an investigation in during the tour. I'd done dumber stuff.

The tour guide was maybe fourteen, and his name was Alex. 

Jim Thorpe jail is known for a handprint in one of the cells. According to the story, a prisoner put it there before he was hanged, and it's never come off. Now, I am cynical enough to picture a staff member with a sharpie putting the handprint back after hours, but I figured it was worth checking.

"The handprint is in cell seventeen," Alex announced. "Please feel free to look around, but no photographs or investigations."

Everyone in the group---I was with about twenty people---Wandered around the first floor of the jail. I slid my all-in-one out of my jacket pocket and flipped it on.

The device is an EMF detector and a thermometer, which saves me from carrying around a lot of equipment, but it looks like just about nay nondescript electronic. It could be anything, which is convenient. I walked around, checking for EMFs.

Nothing. I switched it over to the thermometer setting, and immediately got a cold spot. I grinned.

There we go. And the employees never had to know.

"So you're a tour guide," the guy said.

I nodded. "Tour guide, writer, investigator."

I was sitting in a bar in Jim Thorpe, having a beer to kill some time until the family arrived. I'd been joined by a nice enough guy who'd struck up a conversation, and we'd been chatting for a few minutes.

"My wife would love that," he said. "She goes out with some of her friends, and they do all sorts of haunted stuff. You have a website or something?"
I handed him my card. "Have her e-mail me. We'll set up a tour."

"Hey, that's great!"

My cell phone rang. It was Michelle.

"We're on our way."
"I'll be in position," I said.

I walked down to Hazard Square, where ten minutes later, the Jeep pulled up and I climbed in. "Everyone have a good time?"

"Yeah!" said Paul, my son, in the back.

"How about you, honey?" Michelle asked. "How was your day?"

"Not bad. Toured a haunted jail." I turned to Paul and his friend Rylan in the back seat. "You guys want to help me look into aliens tonight? There have been some UFO sightings out there. They had a CE-3-D on the Hynek Scale. Someone reported seeing a little black creature they thought was an alien running around after a UFO sighting."

"How did they know it was an alien?" Paul asked. "It could have been a raccoon."

"That's what we'll try to find out. Uncle Jon wants to know if you'd like to learn how to drive the gator while you're there."

Paul lit up. "Yeah!"
"He says he might teach you how to use a chainsaw, too."
"I've seen chainsaws," Paul said,"But only in videogames. I've never seen one in real life."

"Well, Uncle Jon may show you how it works."

I pulled the tent from the Jeep and got it set up. My brother watched with some amusement. I said,"We've had this tent since before we were married. Best tent I've ever owned. It's getting old, but I keep trying to get one more summer out of it."

"Looks like a good one," Jon said. "It goes up nice and easy. You gonna do some ghost-hunting while you're here?"

"Thought I'd look into UFOs, actually. There's been a sighting. Someone saw a small black creature."

"Could have been a fisher."

"Coulda been. I'll look into that."

"You should check out the springhouse while you're here. I was wondering if it was haunted."

"Might be. Got something happening down there?"

"Well, a really bad feeling. A few noises. But it's old, you know that."

"I'll check into it while I'm here."

"Don't go too far in, though. I don't trust that floor, and I don't want anyone getting hurt."

"Been getting bad for years. Want to see some of my equipment?"

"Sure."

Paul was in the grass, playing with Miles, the family beagle. We were near the line of maple trees by the driveway. A leaf came fluttering down, and he reached out and grabbed, almost catching it. It bounced off his hand and fell to the grass.

"Amy says there's magic in falling leaves," he told me. "If you can catch one, it brings that magic to you and means good fortune."

I got out my hard briefcase and opened it up. "Here's my rifle microphone. Michelle caught the kids out in the backyard with it a while back, listening for the ice cream truck. Which is a legitimate use of the rifle microphone. Here's the night vision binoculars."

Jon tried them. "Not bad."
"They're not true night vision---It operates on a green laser light. But good enough for my purposes. Here's the thermal imager. You can see heat signatures with this."

"Hey, that'd be good to test on the beehives."

"Maybe later we can, if you'd like. You want to join me and the kids when we look for UFOs?"

"If I'm taking the dogs out and I see you guys out there, I'll catch up."

"That works." I pulled on my vest. "Usually I have the big bulletproof tac vest, but this is the travel model. Easier to pack."

"Vest light."

I walked out the back door and across the yard in the dark. It brought back memories---All the times I'd snuck out of the house at night as a teenager. I'd done it a million times, slipping out to have some adventure in the middle of the night.

I walked up the road. I had a flashlight, but I didn't really need it---The moon was almost full, and I was guided by a childhood of memories. I knew every step, and it didn't take much before it all came back to me.

I'd done this the night I'd tried to commit suicide. January 13, 1986. I'd wanted to kill myself, but then decided to live, for the people I'd cared about. And I'd slipped out of the house, gone looking for a ghost, and managed to help an abused girl.

At the top of the hill, I looked around. I got out the binoculars and turned on the night vision, scouting the area. Trees, mostly. I saw the Big Dipper, bright in the sky. I'd gotten used to the lights of Lock Haven---It was darker out here, making the stars more visible. I saw a plane.

There was a bright light to the north, moving across the sky. I couldn't identify it offhand. I watched it for a while, moving east. Then I heard something behind me.

It was in the woods across the road, something moving back there. I turned on my flashlight, but couldn't see it. I moved toward it, but it crept away, disappearing into the woods.

Paul and Rylan were in the living room. Rylan was already asleep on one couch, and Paul was watching TV on the other.

"Find anything?" he asked me.

"Maybe an animal in the woods. I think the alien someone saw was probably an animal---There's certainly enough of them out there."

"Maybe in the morning I'll go with you."

"We can check the springhouse for ghosts. Uncle Jon thinks it might be haunted."

"Cool. Will you watch Harry Potter with me before bed?"

"Sure." I sat down with him, and he threw his legs over me. One of the Harry Potter movies was on; he'd loved those as a little kid, but it had been a while.

We sat comfortably together and watched for a while. He went to sleep sometime around ten; I heard his breathing change and he was out.

I gave him a few minutes, then went out to the tent and went to sleep myself.

I woke up around seven in the morning. I shrugged myself out of my purple sleeping bag and went into the house, still wearing my Chupacabra pajamas. I poured myself a cup of coffee and found Dad out of the porch.

"How's everything?" he asked.

I sat down beside him on the porch swing. "Doing okay. Slept fine, for in a tent. Michelle's still out."

"I saw Paul on the couch."
"We won't be seeing him for a while. Once he's out, he's near impossible to wake up. I gotta make like six tries every single morning for school."

I took a sip of my coffee. Dad asked,"So how's everything with your heart? Any news there?"

"Still no idea. I've had follow-up appointments and all sorts of crap, and nothing. It was really just that one day, and then it was over."

"Did the doctors give you any directions?"

"I barely even saw doctors. They told me to drink more water, and that was the most helpful thing I heard. I'm not feeling too hot on the medical profession right now."

"Yeah, I can understand that."

"But I'm okay. Lost some weight for some reason, but no further heart problems. I was on the heart monitor for thirty days, and it recorded nothing. So I'm doing okay."

Breakfast was blueberry pancakes and scrambled eggs, cooked by Jon's wife Amy and begged for by Miles and Peggy.

"Find any ghosts last night?" Amy asked me.

"Last night I was sort of concentrating on UFOs," I said. "But didn't find much. We're going to check the springhouse for ghosts this morning."

I was actually surprised at how much Paul and Rylan ate. They barely eat breakfast at home. Afterward, I put on the vest and took some of my equipment out of the travel case, stocking my pockets.

"You guys going with me to the springhouse?" I asked the kids.

"Yeah," said Rylan.

"Which one is the springhouse?" Paul asked.

"The building with the pink shingles out back, by the path," I said. "We used to camp there. I learned first aid in that house, learned Morse code. We had a million adventures in that old springhouse when I was a kid." I picked up the box of equipment. "Who wants what?"

Rylan took the laser thermometer, and Paul took the little EMF detector. We walked down to the springhouse, on the path behind the house.

The springhouse is a big old house with pink shingles. We'd played in it and camped in it constantly as kids. Now, my brother was right---It wasn't in the best condition.

I stopped and looked at it, remembering.

I got out the all-in-one and turned it on. I said,"Check the outside first."

We walked around outside the springhouse for a moment, checking the readings. Then I tried the door, which was jammed---It had pretty much always been like that. I did what I'd always done as a kid, and kicked the lower corner.

It popped open. I stepped inside. The floor was covered with walnut shells; clearly squirrels were using the place. Dust and junk was throughout the room, and the floor sagged badly. It had buckled up in the middle, and I could see a clearly rotted spot that I wouldn't dare to go near.

"Can we come in?" asked Rylan.

"Yes, but not far. Stay behind me," I said.

Paul and Rylan stepped inside, looking around. 

"Wow," commented Paul.

I said,"We shouldn't get any EMFs from electricity in here---Dad shut off the power to this place years ago, when they built the new barn."

Rylan moved the laser thermometer around the room. "Got a cold spot over there," she said.

"I'm showing that, too," I said. "Going to the thermal imager."

I got the imager out of my pocket and turned it on. I could see the shades of red and orange, and for no reason, a blue blob in the middle.

"Yep, we have activity," I said. "Got a cold spot right there. Let's get out of here, before the floor collapses."

We moved back out the door---We'd only gone about four feet into the building. My brother had come down the path and was working on the tractor,

"Find anything?" he asked.

"Couple of cold spots," I said. "Place may actually be haunted. You know all the people who built this farm are up in the old cemetery by 873?"
"I remember that," he said. "The Newhards."

"German immigrants. Did the research on them years ago."

Paul tapped me on the shoulder and whispered in my ear. I grinned.

"Paul wants to know what the chances are of him getting a lesson on the gator."

Paul and his Uncle Jon sat in the front seat of the gator, a big green cart that Jon used on the farm. 

"Okay, I'm gonna keep my hand on the emergency brake. You steer, and work the gas. Just a little at a time, to start."
Paul was grinning. I watched as he started driving, slowly and jerkily at first, then smoothing out. Clearly, he was having a good time. With Jon in the seat beside him, he steered the gator across the lawn. My brother and my son.

A leaf was falling from the maple tree.

Without thinking, I reached out and caught it.

Alas, Poor York

"Oooh," the kids said.

Paul and his little friend Rylan barged in the second we opened the cabin door. I followed and dropped my pack in a corner. "It is a nice cabin," I agreed. "Welcome to Codorus State Park in York County."

"I want to see the pool," said Paul.

"We'll get to the pool in a bit," I said. "We have all sorts of good stuff planned. Got some cool side trips to go on, and there are ghosts to find here. Gettysburg isn't too far away, and when it comes to ghosts in Pennsylvania, that's the boss fight."

"Is there a microwave in here?" Paul asked, looking around.

"Nope, we'll have to cook on a fire," I said. "But we can do that. It is a really nice cabin, though."

"How far is the pool from the cabin?" Michelle asked.

"Not too far, depending on how much you're willing to cut through the woods."

"I think we'll drive."

"Tell you what," I said. "I'll ride over with you, then cut back this way. I want to get a little hiking in. I'll meet you back at the cabin, and then we'll run out and pick up some food."

"Can you come in the pool with us, Daddy?" asked Paul.

"How about not today, but I will before we leave? You know I'm not much of a swimmer."

"Get changed into your swimsuit," said Michelle.

"I'm already in my swimsuit," said Paul.

"By the way, Rylan," I said,"Almost forgot. Got something for you." I tossed her a purple shirt, with her name and the Ghost Gang symbol on it. She caught it and grinned. "You've earned that."

"You're on the team!" Paul said delightedly.

The kids were delighted with the pool from a distance, seeing the huge pool and the slides. The thing looked like a waterpark. I left them at the fence and then walked back to the cabin, gathered my pack, and found the Mary Ann Furnace Trail.

I'd begun the summer by damn near dying in a hospital. I'd been doing things since then, but not enough---I'd been a bit hesitant to take too many risks. It was time to fix that; I wanted to prove I could still do stuff. I headed out with just the backpack, wearing the "Paranormal Investigator" shirt I'd treated myself to for my fifty-fifth birthday.

According to everything I'd seen---I'd done a little research before coming---This one led to the ruins of an old farmhouse that was said to be haunted. I found the trailhead down behind the playground, and walked down, taking the easiest route. It was well-marked, I had to give them that. Every corner had a sign on it. I'd still brought a map. Every time I visit a state park, I immediately grab a map. The purpose of the map is to sacrifice itself for my safety; I carry it in my pocket constantly and beat it up so I always know where I'm headed.

The farm ruins on the other end turned out to be really cool. A silo still stood, and I could see the floor of an old barn. There was supposed to be the ghost of a woman in white running around down here someplace. I got out my EMF detector and checked around. Nothing, so I switched to the thermometer reading; it was my all-in-one.

That got some flickers. On an eighty-degree day, I shouldn't be getting temperature readings in the fifties, and yet there it was. I dropped it back in my pack and headed out; I was pleased enough with this for a start.

I was about halfway back when I started to get dizzy.

I stopped for a moment to lean against a tree. It took me by surprise, and I took a few steps before realizing it wasn't going away. I stopped and took stock.

Dizziness. Slight headache coming on. Thirsty. I suddenly realized I hadn't had any water since morning, and it was now late afternoon.

I was dehydrated.

I checked the map. I was still at least a mile from the cabin. I couldn't find any streams nearby.

I continued walking, and I could feel some of the muscle cramps coming on. 

I was going to die. Again.

Okay. Keep walking. One foot in front of the other. I pushed myself down the path, trying to keep a steady pace. Should have brought water. Stupid. Rookie mistake. I only hoped I lived long enough to not learn from it.

I passed an orchard I remembered on the way out, and then the low point on the path that I knew brought me back close to the beginning. I emerged near the playground and hiked up toward the cabin, looking around to find a water pump nearby for my water supply.

I sat down on the porch and drank some water. It helped; I started to feel better in a few minutes. Okay, first day and I'd almost killed myself. All downhill from here.

Monday morning we visited the Utz potato chip factory, took the tour, and came out with a free bag of chips each.

When the kids headed to the pool, I rode along just long enough to get near the cemetery I wanted to explore. As Michelle drove down the road, I said,"I'll hike back to the cabin. Unless something goes seriously wrong, I'll be back by the time you guys are done."

I immediately and too late realized I'd said the wrong thing. Michelle said,"What could go wrong? What are you planning to do? You should take your cell phone if---"

"Relax," I said. "I'll be fine. I've died once already this summer. It's overrated."

"Will you stop that? I had to watch them give you CPR. It's not funny."

"I wouldn't know. I can't remember much of it."

"I wish you'd stop talking about it, Daddy," said Paul from the backseat. "Because something happened to my father, and I don't even know what it was."

"Hey. Don't worry. I'll be fine. Meet you guys back at camp, and we'll go hiking later, okay? There's a really good hike down the road."

I got out of the car and crossed the road, feeling the calm I always felt at these times. It was almost like becoming someone else, getting away from the family and exploring, doing what I always do best.

The Old Dubs Church Cemetery was not far down the road, an ancient cemetery with rows and rows of graves. I walked through it, looking them over. How much of my life had been spent in places like this? How many hours had I walked around in these places, the cemeteries, the old ruins, the haunted spots?

I shook my head. It was my thing, it was what I was best at. I'd never have made it as an accountant or a lawyer or something. This was me. The haunted forests, the old cemeteries....For better or worse, these places were where I belonged.

"Are we almost there?" Paul asked, following along behind me. I checked the map.

"Should be right ahead," I said. "We cross the next path, and there's a really old cemetery out here in the woods. It's called the Old Wildasin Cemetery, and it has a grave that goes back three hundred years."

"Three hundred? That's a lot," commented Rylan.

We walked along the path, rounded the corner, and I saw it. I said,"That's it up there."

It was in a small, overgrown field. There were maybe twenty gravestones, all broken, lying on a concrete pad. Clearly there was some sort of restoration effort going on. Many of the stones were unreadable. All of them were very, very old.

The kids looked around, and I took a couple of photos. I said,"I can't believe I get to see stuff like this."

When we got back from our hike, I started the campfire. The kids ate a hot dog each, and then went straight to roasting marshmallows. I sat on the porch and supervised things.

Paul sat down at the picnic table, spearing another marshmallow.

I said,"Paul, earlier you said you didn't know what happened to me in the hospital. What do you want to know?"

"Nobody explained it to me," he said. "I don't know what happened."

"Okay," I said. "Essentially, your heart pushes blood everywhere in your body. All of your body needs blood. My heart stopped for some reason, and I passed out because the blood wasn't getting to my brain. With me so far?"

Paul nodded. "Yeah."
"They still don't know why my heart stopped. When I got to the hospital, it stopped again, and I needed CPR to start it. Do you remember during COVID, when we learned CPR?"

"Yeah. We did it on my duck."

"Yes. They did that to me to bring me back. But that was two months ago. Nothing happened since, and I'm fine now. Okay?"

"Okay," he said.

"I'm gonna be in the cabin for a minute," I said. "Try not to burn anything down while I'm in there."

I walked inside and started digging around in my bag, looking for the lantern. Michelle was sitting on the bed.

"Hey," I said.

She looked up.

"If anyone should be scared after what happened to me, it's me," I told her. "I literally died, and the doctors have been useless. But I refuse to get scared, okay? Because if I get scared, I'm going to have to stop doing a lot of things I love, and I won't be me anymore. So I'm going to have to look at it like a big adventure I had, and laugh about it. Because that's me. Death gave me its best shot, and I took it and laughed."

Michelle nodded.

"Yeah," she said. "I understand."

Tuesday morning we went to the Turkey Hill Museum. It was our third time in the past couple of years.

Again, I hung back at the cabin while the kids went to the pool. I'd never been much of a swimmer anyway. I'd reached the point in the trip where I was missing Lock Haven---It always happened sooner or later. I gave Tif a call on my cell phone.

"Hey, hon. How's things?"
"Dad! Are you still away at camp?"
"Yeah, still in York County, but I was getting a little homesick. Figured I'd see how things are going."

"I got your mail. Dogs seem fine. Is Paul having a good time?"

"Yeah, he's at the pool right now. He loves this pool; it's almost a carnival ride. I've been running around looking for ghosts."

"Find any?"

"A few readings. There's a neat abandoned farm that may be haunted. And we hiked to a cool ancient cemetery last night. Gonna go check out a haunted lodge later. I notice the ground is covered in quartz."

"Does that have to do with the hauntings?"

"Maybe. There's some theory that the geology can attract more ghosts---Sort of like if there's enough iron in the ground, you get more magnetism. Quartz is thought to bring ghosts in, being a kind of crystal. Want me to bring you a piece of quartz?"

"Sure. Why not? Hey, I gotta get going---Time to head out from work."

"Okay. Ride careful, hon. See you when I get back."

"Which way?" Michelle asked as she drove down Dubs Church Road.

"Turn right at the end," I said. "We're looking for Black Rock Lodge."

"Do I have to get out of the car?"

"I mean, not if you don't want to. This place is said to be where a Revolutionary War soldier died, and he's been seen haunting the place. We're gonna check it out."
Michelle pulled onto the path leading to the lodge. We got out. The kids were wearing their Ghost Gang shirts, and I had my LHPS uniform on. The lodge was a big stone building set back some from the road, in the forest.

"I feel a cold spot," said Paul. "Right over here."

Ryland had the thermometer. She checked. "It says seventy-three degrees."

"That's a little cold," I said. I looked at the EMF---No readings. "Just a minute, I'm gonna switch to the thermal imager."

"Does someone live here?" asked Paul.

"It's a rental," I said. I pulled out the imager, and ran it around the area. Everything was in reds and oranges, but when I aimed it at the lodge, it turned deep blue.

"Good going, guys," I said. "Look at this. The entire lodge is one big cold spot."

Wednesday morning, our last full day in camp, we went to a giant slide in Maryland. Paul and I had discovered it a few years ago when we'd been hunting for a Snallygaster.

On the way back to camp, we made a run to Gettysburg. I put on my black travel vest before we got there, and the fingerless gloves. I had my equipment loaded into the pockets, which was what the vest was there for.

I turned in my seat to look at the kids in the back. "Okay, you guys learned about the Civil War in  school, right?"

"Yeah," agreed Rylan.

"This is where a battle was fought. For three days in July of 1863, they battled here. A lot of guys died. Because of this, it's highly haunted. So, you guys ready to investigate the most haunted place in Pennsylvania?"

"Yeah!" said Rylan.

"I mean, Gettysburg is a big one. If you can't find a ghost in Gettysburg, it's time to retire."

"How did they fight a battle for three days? Didn't they sleep?" asked Paul.

"Well, they would be taking shifts. Some of the guys were fighting while the other ones slept. It was pretty busy."

"Where do we want to go?" asked Michelle.

I looked at the map.

"Little Round Top."

We drove toward the hill. My EMF detector went off. Paul said,"Do we have a ghost in the car?"
"Maybe near the car. But I am getting some activity here."

Parking was tight, but we managed a space, and climbed out of the car. We walked up to the overlook, where Paul immediately became enchanted with the cannons.

"I want to live on this cannon!" he said. "Do you think it's okay if I sit on it?"

"Probably," I said. He climbed up on sat down on the cannon.

"This is really cool."

"These things are probably a hundred and sixty years old."

We walked along the ridge, looking out over the battlefield. I said,"See, they had the high ground here. When the south came out attacking them, they shot from up here, and won the battle. A lot of men died here; they had a huge battle."

We walked down the path to the 44th New York Infantry monument. It looked like a giant castle, towering over the field. I said,"We can go in this. Come on."

We walked inside---The monument is big enough to have a staircase leading up to the balcony. As we walked up the stairs, Rylan said,"I'm getting something."

Her EMF detector was beeping. I said,"I'm getting it too. No power lines, no lights in here. There's no reason for it."

We got to the top, and stood high, looking out over the field. I said,"Still getting my reading. We have activity, guys. This is great. We did Gettysburg."

When we got back to the cabin, Paul said,"Will you come swimming with us today, Dad?"

"Yeah, I will," I said. "I'm not a big swimmer, but I'll come in the pool with you for a while."

Paul beamed. "I'll get changed," he said.

As we got out of the car later and walked down to the pool, I said,"It's been a really good summer. So what's been your favorite part of the trip, little man?"

Paul thought it over. "The pool," he decided. "What's your favorite?"

"Spending time with you."

We held hands as we walked down to the pool together.

It's A Zoo In Here

It had become almost a summer tradition for me, my visit to Hyner Run. I was invited to give a talk at their summer events every year, and, being me, I usually went with a side quest. I walked down to the usual spot, a quiet, grassy place near the bridge.

This year, I'd decided to follow up on the possible existence of silver in the area, a holdover from an investigation during the spring. I dropped my pack and knelt near the water. Dipping a piece of litmus paper into the stream, I checked---A dull yellow-green. Almost perfectly neutral.

I got out a metal plate from my old mess kit. I dipped it into the water and scooped up some of the silt from the bottom, swishing it around in circles. Most people assume that you can only pan for gold, but you can do it with silver, too.

I wasn't finding much. A few small pieces of quartz. I crept under the bridge and tried again on the upstream side of the creek. Then I saw something in the water---Something big, sort of slithering upstream.

I dropped the plate and moved after it.

It was big, much bigger than the minnows I'd been seeing. Swimming its way upstream. I chased it, losing ground. Running alongside the creek, I dashed up through the forest.

It was still going. I took two steps over large rocks and leaped to the other side, running up through the mud. I chased it rapidly upstream for about a hundred yards before it vanished from sight. I was going to look great for my speech.

"So you didn't find silver?" Paul asked as we ate at McDonald's.

"Not really. A little quartz, which is an indicator, but it doesn't really prove anything."

"And you saw a water monster."

"Could have been the Susquehanna Seal. Could have been a large catfish. I didn't get close enough to get a photo."

"Well, that sucks."

"Might get another chance at a water cryptid," I said,"You know how we're going to the Pittsburgh Zoo on a bus trip with your mom's company on Sunday, right?"

"Yeah! Are you packing snacks?"

"They're already packed."

"Did you get fruit snacks?"

"I'll get fruit snacks. Been doing a little research. You know in the Pittsburgh rivers there's a water monster called the Ogua?"

"Oh, yeah?"

"Seems to be a giant turtle sort of thing that people see sometimes. On the way in, we take a bridge over the Allegheny River. Maybe we can check for it."

"That'd be cool."
"There's also sewergators in Pittsburgh."
Paul looked up rapidly. "Wait, really?"

"Well, there have been witnesses."

"There's sewergators in one of the games I play."

"Oh, that's cool. You want to check into sewergators?"

"Yeah, I do."

"We can add that to the list of things to do while we're there."

It was hot, and getting hotter, as Paul and I left McDonald's and rode our bikes down to the Clinton Plaza Pharmacy. I got the package out of my pack as we walked in.

"You have everything, Daddy?" Paul asked.

I nodded. "I packed up the heart monitor this morning. Yesterday was the last day I need it, so I ripped the thing off me this morning, and put it all in the box."

I got in line while Paul went and browsed the shelves. The cashier said,"Is that all you're shipping?"

"That'll do."

"Do you need a receipt?"
"Yes, please." Probably a few thousand dollars worth of medical equipment in there.

And I sent it off---The last of the testing equipment from my hospital stay. 

Paul showed up with a little hand-held fan that seemed to operate with no blades. "Isn't this cool, Daddy?"

It was about a hundred degrees out. I said,"You want it, don't you?"
He nodded.

"How much is it?"
"$3.50."

I turned to the cashier. "Add this too, please."

My wife's company does these occasional bus trips for morale. It's even good for my morale; these things get me out of Clinton County and off experiencing places I usually wouldn't get to. I'd come up with a functional arrangement for these things---I had a small pack, which would go into the zoo with me, and contained just a couple of items that I'd need. It was inside my usual pack, which I would leave on the bus, and that one prepared me for everything. I'd used the "pack-in-pack" arrangement for a couple of years, and it worked well. As I'd discovered when I'd gone to pack the little one, and found items from the last couple of trips in there.

"I looked it up," I told Michelle. "There are two ways to get to Pittsburgh. The fast way, and the less efficient way. This bus driver somehow found a slower third way."

"How can you tell?"

"We're supposed to be riding along the Allegheny River. There's no way in hell we should be in a residential neighborhood."

It too about a half-hour longer than it should have, but we finally arrived at the Pittsburgh Zoo. I scored a map from a helpful employee, and we found our way to the pavilion, where a lunch was set up.

Surprisingly, there was plenty of food. Paul and I had two hamburgers each, and he went back for more iced tea a couple of times. At age ten, he's been more independent for a while, and can be left unsupervised to go fend for himself a bit. It's nice for me, but I miss the days he had to hold my hand, too.

"I want to see the red pandas," Paul announced. "And check out the gift shop."

"We'll do that," I said. "Both of those. How about you, honey?"

"I want to see the elephants."
"I'm interested in the monkey island," I said. "Pipper, while we're here, let's keep an eye out for any animal that could explain the sewergators or the Ogua. Any time you have cryptid sightings near a zoo, you have to account for the possibility of escaped animals. Now, the Ogua has been seen since 1745 and the zoo was founded in 1898, so it won't explain everything. But it's possible that some of the more modern sightings are some sort of escapee from this place."

"Okay," said Paul.

"We'll hit the gift shop, but we'll do that at the end of the day," I said. "That way we don't have to be carrying around a bunch of stuff. We have about four hours to walk around here, which should be enough time to see some really good things."

The Pittsburgh Zoo, I discovered, is set up in a really user-friendly way. It's designed in a series of loops around a central area, so that you can just walk along and see everything---You don't have to make an effort to fit everything in; you just walk along and you see it all along the way. The red pandas that Paul wanted to just happened to be the first stop.

"They seem to have a new red panda," I said. "The sign says her name is Mandy."

"Aww," said Paul, and ran right up to the glass.

I watched him as he looked through the glass, beaming at his favorite animal. Moments like this are why I became a parent in the first place.

We strolled through the zoo, looking at the animals one at a time. Elephants, tigers, exotic pigs. I took a  look at the Komodo dragons; they've always fascinated me. Paul said,"Those things will fight each other."

"So I hear," I said. "I've heard this zoo has had the occasional escape."
"Wait....Really? I'm getting out of here."

We stopped at the Galapagos Tortoises for a moment, and I looked and took a photo. The Ogua had been described as somewhat turtle-like by some witnesses, and it would explain some things if they'd had some escapees over the years. I had a feeling that, standing there at the zoo, I was looking at a real live Ogua.

We walked up the path, and rounded the loop. I grinned.

"Here it is, guys. The monkey island."

I stopped and took a photo. The concrete island was in the middle of an artificial stream, and there were two dark-colored monkeys hopping around on it. I smiled.

"When I was a kid, the monkey island was my favorite part of the Lehigh County Game Preserve," I said. "I was really looking forward to this."

"I bet the people who work here swim across to the island at the end of the day to feed the monkeys," said Paul.

I smiled. "You do, huh?" Even though he's an intelligent ten years old, sometimes he still comes up with stuff like this.

"It's one of the perks," he said. "Can we get something to drink? I'm thirsty."

"It is hot out," I said. "There's a snack bar right up here."

Paul got a pink lemonade in a plastic cup with a red panda on it. We sat at the table together, and he drank his drink happily.

"So," I said,"We've been looking into the Ogua and sewergators. Now, we have giant tortoises here, and we've seen alligators. Every zoo has the occasional escape. I know this one has."

Paul nodded, drinking his lemonade.

I laid out the map on the table. "Now, the Allegheny River runs right along here to the north. And over here is the Highland Park Reservoir. It covers the water system for a lot of the city, and connects into the sewers. And it's right next door. So, how much you want to bet that some of the Ogua and sewergator sightings are from right here in this zoo?"

Paul grinned. "I bet they are. The alligators can climb right out of here and get away."

"It doesn't happen often, but a few times would be enough to start off the sightings. Once you finish that lemonade, we'll grab a refill, and then head out and see the aquarium."

Paul nodded. "And the gift shop before we leave."

It was dark and late when we got home. Rosie and Butters were happy to see us, and I gave them some attention before I started unpacking the snacks. As I put them on the shelves, Paul took a look at the metal cup I'd bought him in the gift shop. He was already wearing the T-shirt.

"I owe you, Daddy," he said. "I didn't realize what these things cost."

"Oh, kid, don't worry about it," I said. "I expect things in tourist spots to cost more; it's all part of the experience. I want you to have good memories of these trips. Besides, you're my son."

"Well, I can give you a hug," he said.

I wrapped my arms around him, and he hugged me, there in the kitchen.

Moments like this are why I became a parent in the first place.

#125: Son Of Lou

TEN YEARS AGO

NEW ORLEANS

We drove north a few blocks, and I said,"We're approaching the Metarie Cemetery. Check it out----This thing runs for, like, miles."

Paul Matthew was asleep in the back. It didn't take much in the way of a car ride to put him to sleep---As soon as the car started, he dropped off immediately. We could drive like the Dukes of Hazzard, and he'd sleep through it entirely. We drove along the Metarie Cemetery.

"I suppose you want to get out and look at it," Michelle said.

"Huge haunted cemetery? Who wouldn't?"

We drove around until we found a place to pull over. I got out, and said,"Take my picture."

"What the hell do you want me to do with the baby, leave him here?!?"

"Nope," I said. I pulled Paul out of the back, still asleep. "He's coming, too. First photo with Daddy."

I stood by the elaborate crypts, and held the baby. And my wife took my picture with my son for the first time.

NOW

"Pomp And Circumstance" was playing as I sat in the auditorium. Let's get one thing straight, those dumb-ass "graduations" they have these days, for every grade from kindergarten up, are ridiculous. They mean nothing. It's not a graduation until you're done high school.

But....Then my kid was called and walked across the stage.

Paul was wearing a blue button-down shirt with fish on it, and a black bow tie. He beamed as he walked up and accepted his diploma. And, as stupid as I've always thought the whole thing is, I applauded for the kid.

Outside, we caught up with him, standing with his class. He announced happily,"Everyone else chose to leave after the ceremony! I'm gonna be the only kid in class today!"
"I once had something like that experience," I said. "Proud of you. You want me to take those home?"

He handed me the diploma and the award he'd won. He asked,"Can you guys pick me up a sandwich and bring it to school for lunch?"

"We can do that," agreed Michelle.

"We'll be right over," I said.

"I got you a gift," Michelle said. She handed Paul a small package.

He opened it. Inside was a bracelet with the design of a little compass on it. Paul smiled, and slid it on his wrist.

The engraving said,"The Adventure Begins."

"So I thought for your tenth birthday, we could have a little birthday adventure," I said.

"Yeah," said Paul. "I like that. What are you thinking?"

"How about a haunted cemetery?"

'That sounds good."

"Ten years ago, when you were a baby, you and I got our first picture together in a haunted cemetery. I'm thinking Stamm Cemetery in Wayne Township. There's a couple of ghosts said to be there, and I've checked into it a couple of times before."

"Okay!"

"Let's plan for about seven on Sunday night, the night before your birthday."

It was storming out when I walked in the door after work Saturday. I had gotten soaked riding home. My rainbow ghost shirt was wet on the shoulders. Paul was on the couch, with a set of new toys.

"Aunt Paula sent me these for my birthday," he said.

"Aunt Paula sends the best presents," I said. "You need to send her a message thanking her."

"Yeah. I will. Look, this is a game kind of like a Rubik's Cube. Can you put batteries in it?"

"I will. What else you got there?"

"She sent me a frisbee that lights up!"

I looked the frisbee over. It had a row of lights around the rim that lit up brightly in different colors. "That's pretty cool. We can have some fun with that."

"And she sent me a new watch." He pressed a button on the watch, and a little light came on. "It has a flashlight."

"Oh, that's cool. That would be perfect for ghost hunting."

"I know. I'm gonna wear it tomorrow. You want to go play with the frisbee?"

"Yeah, I kinda do. Let's go play in the back yard."

Paul and I were behind the house, tossing the frisbee back and forth. A couple of times it went over the fence, and I had to walk around to the neighbor's yard to retrieve it. But it was a fun time---Throwing it back and forth, watching it light up.

Ten years. Paul had been fourteen hours old when we'd first gotten him. Nine pounds, lying asleep in a little hospital carrier. We'd spent a couple of days in the maternity ward, and then they'd let us go to a hotel. We'd had to stay in the hotel for two weeks while all the legal stuff had been ironed out. I'd geocached a bit, looked around for ghosts, checked for the Honey Island Swamp Monster....but mostly, I'd spent time in the hotel with my son.

Michelle pulled the Jeep up alongside the Stamm Cemetery. "You want me to wait here, or should I pick you up later?"
"Go run your errands," I said. "We'll be here."
I had my shirt with the ghost drinking coffee. I pulled my vest over it---I'd brought one of the travel vests, on the basis that it was way too hot for the usual bulletproof one. Paul and I walked into the cemetery.

I held out an EMF detector and a thermometer. "You have a preference?"

He immediately grabbed the thermometer. I said,"This place is said to be haunted by a man who hung himself from an oak tree by the river. I'm gonna see if I get any readings over there, maybe where the tree used to stand."

I walked along the river with my EMF detector, until Paul called over,"Got a hot spot over here, Dad."

I walked back over. He was standing near a collapsed stone with initials on it. I ran my fingers over the worn stone. "H...R...O. Have to check that out later."

"I have a big temperature difference here."

"Might be something. Let's keep checking."

We walked through the cemetery, taking readings. Paul said,"Gotta admit, Daddy, I'm getting a little bored. Can we go down to the park?"

"Sure." I'd wisely chosen a haunted cemetery very near a playground with this possibility in mind. "But first, let's get ourselves another photo of you and me in a haunted cemetery."

We walked down to the playground, and Paul immediately began climbing on things. I let him play around for a while, and then said,"Come here, kid. Got a birthday present for you."

"What is it?" He walked over, and I handed him a box. Paul pulled it open, and slid out a travel mug. "It's so cool! It has Bigfoot being abducted by a UFO on it!"

"I have the exact same design on a T-shirt."

"I'm gonna take this on our trip to Pittsburgh."

I looked at my watch. "Ten years ago, right now, we were coming to get you. We'd gotten the call that the baby was coming, and we jumped in the car to drive to New Orleans."

"You got the call right now?"

"That happened at about three in the afternoon. About now, ten years ago, we were...Probably halfway through Virginia. We got into Tennessee and got a hotel room for a couple of hours, then drove in the morning."

"Was I in Tennessee?"

"You were in Tennessee on the way back. You slept through most of it. In the morning, we got in the car and kept driving. We got the call that you'd been born at 7:17 AM, and we got there about nine-thirty that night. Happy birthday, little man."

TEN YEARS AGO

LOCK HAVEN

We drove home from Georgia on a Thursday, through South Carolina, North Carolina, Virginia, West Virginia, Maryland, and finally Pennsylvania. We were home at eight PM, and in spite of the fact that he'd slept the whole way, Paul was still tired.

I laid him down in his crib.

"Goodnight, little guy," I said. "Sleep good. I'll see you in the morning." I paused at the door. "I love you, Paul Matthew."

NOW

Paul had had a good day. We'd finished up by letting him stay up late with me, which we often did in the summer. We'd watched a movie for a while, and finally I'd given up around eleven, and we'd headed off to bed, Rosie and Butters trailing along.

The three of them jumped into his bed, and I pulled the covers up over him.

"Can you turn on my TV, Daddy?"

I found the remote and turned it on.

"Get some rest, little man. Big day tomorrow." I leaned over and gave him a kiss on the forehead. "Love you."

Too Bigfoot To Fail

Coming back to work after a vacation is always a little weird---It's even worse walking back in after five days in the hospital. I dropped my pack at my desk and found my co-workers in the stacks.

"I'm back," I said.

"How you doing? Man, you had me worried," said Zach.

"I'm up and around. Feeling fine," I said. "They sent me home Wednesday. No further problems."

"Can I give you a hug?" Holly asked.

"Of course," I said, and hugged her. I felt her hitch a little bit, and I said,"It's okay. It's okay. I was only dead for half a minute."

"You scared us," she said.

"I'm fine. Back at work now, and things are okay. Promise."

"You gonna be able to be at the first aid training Wednesday?" asked Julie.

"Yeah, I should be okay for that."

"Hey, Lou, my neighbor had a Bigfoot sighting while you were in the hospital," said Pam.

Sometimes my co-workers greet me this way.

I said,"Oh, yeah? Where at?"

"Up on the Lusk Run Road. She and a friend were riding horses, and it was getting dark. She said the horses got very skittish, and then she saw Bigfoot, along the side of the road."

"Interesting. That's not the first time Bigfoot's been sighted up there. Someone saw Bigfoot up along Lusk Run Road around this time of year in 1990."

"Oh, yeah?"

"Yeah, I've written about it a couple of times."

I thought it over. The Lusk Run Road runs the back way from Lock Haven to Mill Hall, and thought most of it is residential, there are some wooded areas. Couldn't rule out the fact that it might have been a bear....

"She says it definitely wasn't a bear," added Pam.

"I'm gonna have to go check this out," I said. "Thanks, Pam. Haven't had as much to do since getting home."

"What do you want to do for Father's Day?" Michelle asked across the table.

I took a sip of my coffee. "I don't know, I hadn't thought about it. You know I don't really do much for that. Wouldn't mind going out and looking for Bigfoot later."

"Okay," Paul agreed.

"Got some laundry to do today, if I get a chance."

"Oh, yeah, the dryer is making another noise," Michelle said. "I think we need a new one."

"I go to the hospital for one trip...."

"We can go to Lowe's. I have the credit card there."

"Is it open tonight? Maybe we can go after dinner."

"I think it's open until eight," said Michelle. "We could ride out."

"Can we stop by Wal-Mart on the way?" Paul asked. "I want to get another of those Starburst sodas."

"No reason why not," I said.

You have to love Lowe's. You can create a whole house pretty much with one trip, if that's your inclination. Their motto is "Let's build something together," which I find to be inaccurate as it makes it sound like they're gonna come hand you the hammer, but otherwise, pretty cool place.

"Wow," Paul said, looking into a refrigerator. "This is the kind I'm gonna get when I'm grown up and have a house of my own."

"Thought you were gonna live with us forever," I said. "Which would be okay."

"I'm thinking about it."

Michelle walked along the row of washers and dryers. "What kind do we have now?" she asked me.

"I don't....I think the washer's an LG. The dryer....I don't know, how long have we owned that thing?"

"Do we want a front-loader or a top-loader?"

"You're the one who's always complaining because you're too short the reach the laundry in the washer---"

"You're right. Side."

Marriage. Jesus.

After around twenty minutes, she'd settled on a model. We put in the order and then rode across to Wal-Mart, where Paul and I went to find his candy-flavored sodas.

He picked up one, and I checked the price.

"A buck eight? Paul, for that price I'll get you two or three of these if you want."

"Okay." He selected two other flavors, and we checked and and went to the Jeep.

On the way home, Michelle drove us down the Fairpoint Road. It's the long way home from Mill Hall, but, you know, Bigfoot. I said,"About here is where the sighting was."

It was a wooded area, sort of wedged in between the residential neighborhoods. Paul said,"What were they doing out here?"

"Riding horses, apparently. They were riding horses and they saw Bigfoot along the side of the road."

He squinted. "Wasn't there another Bigfoot out here?"

"Yeah, back in the nineties. I wrote an article about it. You remember that?"

"We came out to get pictures once."

I looked over the terrain. "Gotta admit there's plenty of food for a Bigfoot. Water supply."

"Can we go home now?"

"Yeah, let's head home. I can follow up more later."

With my career, I've been invited into most of the buildings in Lock Haven. Especially the old ones. The older a building is, the more likely I've been inside it at some point.

I'd never been in the ambulance building on Liberty Street. It was a comparatively newer building, and until that morning, I'd never had the chance to go inside it. I was directed up the stairs into a conference room on the second floor.

I sat down in the front, because nobody else was there. The instructor lowered the lights and started a video, which showed EMTs arriving in an ambulance and giving CPR. And that hit a little too close to home at the moment.

I found Tif at work, in her office. She looked at me and said,"Dad, sit down. What's wrong? Are you hurt? Do you need to go back to the hospital?"

"No. No. I just...." I collapsed into a chair. I felt tears in my eyes. "I just had the mandatory first aid training for work. It....It was pretty bad."

"What happened?"
"A lot of the stuff they were showing is actual stuff that was done to me last week. And if you've ever wondered what it was going to take to traumatize your father, I think we've nailed it now."

"You had to die before something felt traumatic to you? That affected you more than you let on."

"I was okay in the moment. But being required to sit and watch all of that, this soon....It was terrible. It really hit me."

"Are you going to be okay?"

"Gonna have to be. I have a tour for Piper in an hour, and another one on Saturday."

Tacos for dinner. Paul's favorite. As we sat at the table, I said,"Hey, Pipper. Get this---something cool."

"What?"

"I got a message from Tami today, from the ghost-hunting team. She was out behind Millbrook Playhouse, and she thinks she encountered Bigfoot. She heard something really big in the woods nearby."

"Cool! Is that near where we looked?"
"Overland, it's not too far off. The woods connects Millbrook to the Fairpoint Road, and it's basically on the southern end of the Bucktail Natural Area, which means it's up against a whole lot of forest. It's not a huge stretch to think that Bigfoot is roaming the forest and occasionally coming out on the busy end."

"Are we going back out there?"

"I think we should check it out, yeah."

 I got my stitches out Friday. It left me with a slightly swollen place and a scar on my lower lip. I kept glancing at myself in the mirror. Saturday night, Paul planned a sleepover with his little friend Rylan, and we wound up eating dinner at Burger King.

"Tell you what," I said. "After we're done, we got a little time. How about we ride out to Mill Hall and follow up on that Bigfoot sighting I got from Tami?"

"Yeah," said Paul.

I looked at Rylan. "What do you think? Bigfoot?"

She grinned and nodded.

As we left, thunder as beginning to roll over the mountain to the north. We rode in the Jeep out to Mill Hall, in a small wooded area behind Millbrook. Michelle said,"Where are we going?"

"Up here---Right near the bridge."

She pulled us over on the opposite side of the bridge, near the creek. I got out, with Paul and Rylan following.

I walked down to the creek, pulling out the litmus paper. I tore off a piece and handed it to Paul.

"Rylan!" he said. "We get to do water testing!"

I handed a piece to Rylan, too.

We all tested the creek. There were a couple of fishermen upstream, under the bridge. The paper came back a light shade of green. I didn't have to check the chart; I'd seen it enough times.

"The water's drinkable," I said. "That's a start."

Paul and Rylan explored around the creek for a little while. I walked up to the rode, jumped the guardrail, and walked across the bridge to the forested area. It was beginning to rain, and I briefly considered going back to the Jeep before I decided that I was not as weak as the hospital had made me feel.

There was a place in the forest that was all stomped down. Something big had been sleeping there. Could be a deer. Could be a Sasquatch. There were berries around---Raspberry bushes. A lot of them had been picked. I could hear a rooster in the distance.

I looked around a while. There seemed to be a cherry tree growing, as well. It's one of the rules for cryptids---You gotta look where the food supply is.

In the rain, I walked back to the parking area. The kids were playing around in the clearing. 

"Did you find him?" asked Rylan.

"No, but there are maybe signs," I said. We climbed into the van. "This forest area isn't very big, but as you go north it connect with Fairpoint Road, and above that, Bucktail Forest. So there's a lot of forest space to the north. Here on this end, there's a safe water supply. There's berries, fish, and even chickens."

"So Bigfoot could be coming for food," said Paul.

"Could be. It's not proven, but it's plausible."

When I got up the next morning, my heart monitor and the phone that came with it were charged; I'd had them plugged in overnight. I grabbed a shower while I didn't have the patch on my chest, then stuck everything back on and walked downstairs for coffee.

I sat and looked at the phone part of the monitor, and ran a quick test. No odd signals; my heart was doing just fine. They still didn't know what had caused it to stop in the first place.

I wasn't what I'd been. But I was getting there.

I slipped the phone back in my pocket and had some coffee.

"The delivery guys just called," Michelle called in from the other room. "They'll be bringing the new washer in twenty minutes."

"Okay," I said, and stood up to start the day.

I Left My Heart In Williamsport

I woke up on the bathroom floor, covered in blood.

My lip was split. My nose was bleeding.

I sat up in the Lock Haven Emergency Room. My wife said,"You keep asking me the same questions."

"Shit," I said. "Concussion."

A tech leaned over me. "How do you feel? You had to get CPR."

"Did someone say stat? Tell me someone said stat. That would be really cool."

And then I was out again.

I looked out the window of the ambulance. "McElhattan. We're passing through McElhattan. There's an abandoned cemetery right over there."

The EMT leaned over me. "How do you feel?"

"I've had better mornings."

"We're taking you to the Williamsport Hospital."

I don't remember anything else after that.

I woke up in a bed in the Intensive Care Unit of Williamsport Hospital, or at least that's what I remember. Most of the morning had been flashes, fading in and out of consciousness. Michelle was in a sofa by the window. Seemed I rated a private room.

A nurse was leaning over me. "My name is Allie, and I'm taking care of you," she said. "How do you feel?"

"It's not my finest moment," I said.
"Can you tell me your name and birthdate?"
"Lou, July twenty-third."
"Do you know where you are?"

"Williamsport Hospital. There any ghosts up here?"

She smiled. "I haven't seen any myself." 

"Bigfoot maybe walk down the hall?"

"Not that I've noticed."

She began to remove my clothes and get me into a hospital gown. I saw her notice my alien belt. "Yeah," I said,"I do UFO sightings, too."

She walked to a dry erase board and started writing things down. "You had a coronary event this morning. Your heart stopped for a moment, and your heart rate has been low. We're going to take care of you. Do you have any questions?"

"You're doing a pretty good job explaining things."

"Do you have any goals while you're here?"

"I kinda want to get back home, and do my work."

She wrote Get home, work on the board.

"Wouldn't mind finding ghosts in the hospital, as long as I'm here."

She wrote Find ghosts in hospital.

Allie said,"We've been monitoring you. You're going to be in bed for observation for a while. But first we're going to give you a temporary pacemaker and see how that works."

I nodded. I asked Michelle,"How's Paul? Is Paul okay?"

"He's fine. He was at his little friend's last night, and Tif has him now. He's going to spend the night at her place."

"How's Tif?"

"She's okay. She's worried about you."

"Did you call in to work?"

"I told them you won't be in today."

"Okay."

Allie and another nurse came in. She said,"We're going to take you down to get your temporary pacemaker put in. We'll be back in a little while."

I looked over at Michelle. "See you on the other side."

The first night in the hospital sucked. So did all the other nights, but that first one was the worst. I barely slept, connected to IVs and all sorts of electronic shit. I've never been really good at sleeping on my back anyway, and not being able to roll over didn't help anything.

I tried looking out the window for UFOs. But it was pretty dark, and I only really had a view of the brick wall just opposite, so unless a UFO flew between my ward and the next one, I wouldn't see any, and that was unlikely.

Michelle brought Paul and Tif in to visit me in the morning. It was nice to see them walk in the door. Tif sat down by my bed.

"How are you?" she asked.

"I'm doing okay. This would not be my preference, but I'm allright. Doctor readjusted the temporary pacemaker this morning, and no further incidents with my heart."

She glanced at the board. "Did you really say one of your goals is to find ghosts?"

"As long as I'm here."

"You didn't think to make a goal of getting better?"
"I was only clinically dead."

"I fed Cookie, Daddy," said Paul.

"Good job, kiddo. Good to know the hamster's being taken care of. You have fun in day camp?"

"Yeah! Wednesday is water day!"

"Well, you're gonna like that."

"I fed the dogs," said Michelle. "At first I forgot, but they reminded me."

"They'll do that. I'm hoping to get out of here soon. I got tours to give and articles to write. Shit. I promised Laura I'd get one in for Pride Month."

"I've talked to Laura," said Tif. "She says to not worry about anything and take care of yourself."

"That's basically the plan, believe me."

"Do the doctors have any idea what happened yet?" Michelle asked.

"Hell, I've barely seen any doctors. The nurses have been great. They're all keeping an eye on me. The food is pretty good here; I really liked breakfast." I touched the stitches on my lip. "Probably shouldn't have asked for a breakfast sandwich, though."

"How bad does it hurt?" Tif asked.

"Not too bad, really. This whole experience has been shockingly pain-free."

"Mom says they had to start your heart with electricity in the ambulance."

"Yeah, even that wasn't too bad."

'You have to take this seriously, Dad."

"Tif. I promise, honey. I'm going to be okay."

Allie came into the room that night---She'd been checking on me a lot. "Is there anything you need? Anything I can do for you?"

"I'm okay. I just want this over with so I can get back home, you know?"

"Do you need to talk?"

"It's hard being stuck in a hospital bed. I want to get home and do stuff. I have articles due, and tours to give. The night before I came here, I gave a tour of Water Street, and it was great. Now, I can't even go to the bathroom without help."

"We're going to take care of you," she said. "Our goal is to get you back on your feet."

"I know. Thanks. No offense, Allie, you're like my best friend in Williamsport right now, but I really want to get out of here."

"No offense taken. I don't blame you."

Breakfast was scrambled eggs---I'd learned my lesson from the sandwich---Sausage, fried potatoes, and a cup of coffee. They had me on a heart-healthy diet, which as far as I could see was indistinguishable from actual food. If they were slipping me decaf, it actually tasted pretty good.

A nurse named Tiffny came into the room. "Would you like to get cleaned up a bit?" she asked. "We can help you."

"Yeah, that'd be great. Thanks."

With Tiffny handing me things, I got washed up somewhat. She helped me brush my teeth, and I washed myself off some. I used a sort of bath cap to clean up my hair a little. It wasn't perfect, but considering how my last shower had ended, it felt pretty good.

"Would you like pants?" she asked.

"Hell, yes."

The pants turned out to be light blue pajama-like things. I'd worn dumber stuff. I was reading the latest Stephen King book, which Michelle had brought me, when Chris walked in.

"Chris!" It was surprisingly good to see him. "Thanks for coming!"
"I wrote a whole article about how I'm going to take over your tours," he said. "I'm gonna read it to you before I send it in to the Record."

"Sounds good," I said. "Can you tell them I may be a little late with this week's column?"

"They already know. You're big news, buddy. Do you need anything? Can I go mow your lawn?"
"Sadly, I already mowed it last week. It should still be good."

"Kate will come by with food later, so Michelle doesn't have to cook."

"Thanks. Food's always good. Appreciate that."

"Heard you died for thirty seconds."

"Yeah, that would be way cooler if I could remember any of it."

"No beckoning lights?"

"No lights at all, that I recall. No dead relatives. Too bad. I wouldn't mind seeing Hambone again."

He glanced at the chart. 

"Find any ghosts up here?"

"Nothing yet. In the ER in Lock Haven, they were convinced the fourth floor was haunted. Here, nobody's had any sightings or anything. I'm getting bored. Also, they won't let me out of bed."

"You heal up, buddy. I'm missing your tours."

"Hoping to get back to those soon."

While I was playing around with the TV remote, I found out that I had the option to watch movies. Which was good, as I had less than no desire to sit around watching game shows and Fox News. I ordered up Barbie and watched that, and it was as good as I remembered it. 

I sat in the dark, watching the window for UFOs. Nothing. I wanted to go home. I missed Paul. I missed Rosie and Butters. I wanted to get back to giving tours, writing articles. I wanted to wake up and be me again.

My next nurse was a redhead named Becca. She came in and helped me get cleaned up in the morning, and said,"We're taking out your pacemaker today. Your heart has been working on its own, and you don't need it."

"Good news," I agreed.

"A little later, would you like to go for a walk?"

"Is that an option? I'd love a walk. You got any haunted places in this hospital?"

She laughed. "Not that I know of. But we can walk around the ward. I'll have to follow you with a wheelchair, just in case."

"You do what you gotta do. There's a small black pouch in my pack over there, can you get it for me?"

She brought the pouch over. I got out my all-in-one EMF detector.

A little while later, Becca was helping me out of bed. I was wearing blue grip socks, the light blue pajama pants, and the hospital gown. That was going to have to be my current ghost-hunting outfit. I could feel I had a growth of stubble on my face; I hadn't been near a razor in days. Paul was going to hate that.

Becca unplugged me from everything---I was connected to a considerable number of monitors. She asked,"Any pain? Dizziness?"

"Nope. Nothing." This was true, though I wanted to get out of bed so badly I'd have lied if I was bleeding from my eyeballs.

With Becca following me with the wheelchair, I walked around the ICU in a loop. I was periodically checking my EMF detector, which remained firmly on zero. Tiffny was at the desk, and she said,"Looking for ghosts?"

"I gotta be me."

"Finding anything?" Becca asked as we walked down the hall.

"Not really. Not even anything explainable. You guys have this place wired really good."

"Is that what that measures?"

"Yeah, electrical fields. I'm getting no signs of ghosts, and no others. Your wiring is fairly good and modern, which is good." I leaned over and held it to an outlet. "Yeah, nothing. Normally, in the old houses I investigate, that would show something. You guys have really good wiring in this hospital."

We'd come back around to my room. Becca asked,"Do you feel up to going around again?"

"Yeah, I feel pretty good. Let's do it."

About halfway around, a woman met us at the room door. She said to Becca,"You should ask this guy about the Civil War. Or paranormal stories."

I grinned. There's always someone. "You recognize me, do you?"

"My husband and I attend all your talks at the senior center. When you walked by before, he said,'I think that's Lou.' And I said,'It couldn't be. What would he be doing here?'"

"Had a little bit of heart failure, actually. But I'm doing okay."

"Oh, no. You take care of yourself. We want to see more of your talks."

"I'm scheduled for next week, actually. I don't plan to skip anything."

We moved on down the hall. Around the corner, we went back to my room, and Becca let me sit in an actual chair. You have no idea what a novelty that is after being trapped in a goddamn bed for several days.

Becca came in Wednesday morning and told me I was going home, but in true hospital fashion, it didn't actually happen until the afternoon. Michelle was there all day. She'd been in most of every day while I'd been stuck in the hospital.

The doctor, whom I'd otherwise seen very little of, came to visit. "You're going to have a heart monitor for thirty days," he said. "That will give us more information, and tell us about what caused this. It'll just be a small thing, with a sticker, on your chest."

"Like Iron Man."

He smiled, but not like I'd been actually funny. "Yes. You'll have a device with you like a cell phone, and if you have any incidents, you can record it."

"Okay."

"Do you have any questions?"

"What can I do as far as activity? I ride a bike to work. I give tours."

"That would be fine. Some exercise will be good for you."

"How about coffee?"
"Coffee is okay."

"Alcohol. I usually have a beer or two before bed. Do I need to cut that back?"

"Did you drink more than usual before you collapsed?"

"No, it's been a long time since I had more than two."

"Alcohol wasn't the cause of this. So if you want to cut back for other reasons, that's good, but it didn't have any effect on this."

I nodded. "Okay. Thanks."

"I'll get a wheelchair," said Becca. "Michelle, you can get your car and meet us by the revolving doors."

Michelle left. Becca helped me get dressed again---I had a grey T-shirt that Michelle had brought me, nd jeans. I'd almost forgotten about jeans. She said,"I like your alien belt."

"It doubles as a bottle opener."

She rolled me down in the elevator, and I was outside for the first time in nearly a week. We found the Jeep, and she locked the wheels on the chair.

"Now, you take good care of yourself," she said. "We don't want to have you back here."

"That's the plan," I said. "Believe me."

She smiled. "Best of luck."

I climbed into the Jeep. Michelle said,"Ready to go home?"

"Been ready since Saturday."

"Paul and the dogs will be glad to see you."
"Yeah, me too."

She pulled out of the parking lot, and we started driving back to Clinton County. Back to Lock Haven. Home.

See You Later, Alligator

"I needed a new machete," I told Paul as we walked through Wal-Mart. "Can't find the old one; I don't know what happened to it. I figure buying a new one is the quickest way to find it."

"It'll show up tomorrow," agreed Paul.

"If I find it, you can have the old one."

"Really?"

"Sure. Is it irresponsible parenting to let my nine-year-old have his own machete?"
"No," said my nine-year-old.

I grabbed a seven-dollar machete off the shelf. Paul said,"What's this thing you're going to tonight?"

"Tomorrow, not tonight. I got no plans for tonight. Tomorrow I have the trivia fundraiser for the shelter. It's in McElhattan."

"Oh. Okay."

"It's at Henry Shoemaker's house, which is a winery these days. They're holding this for us as a fundraiser---I'll be the guy asking all the local history questions. Shoemaker is the guy who wrote all those ghost legends down; his place is probably haunted."

"Cool," said Paul. "I wish I could go."

"Can't take you to a winery, kiddo," I said. "You and me will do something special for your birthday."

I walked around the old house, checking my EMF detector. I didn't get too much, but I didn't want to spend too much time outside checking, either. I was needed in the winery area.

I walked inside, where a couple of other people from the shelter were waiting for me. Tara said,"Find anything?"

"Not this time. How'd you know I was checking for ghosts?"

"I know you."

"We only had one team register," said Carrie. "They win by default. They're okay with not competing, but they wanted to know if you could give them a talk about Henry Shoemaker, since we're on his property."

"Oh sure," I said. "I can do that."

"Just out of the blue like that? Are you sure?"
"Not my first rodeo," I said.

"How did it go?" my wife asked when I walked back in the door.

"Only one team, but we still wound up making about eighty bucks," I said. "I gave a speech on Henry Shoemaker. Where's the kid?"

"Out back, playing with his friends."

"I brought you a bottle of wine," I said.

I handed it to her, and she looked it over. "This looks good. We'll have to try it later."

I walked into the kitchen and dropped my pack onto a chair. I sat down and opened my laptop. It wasn't too likely I'd get an emergency message from the shelter, considering I'd just met with some of them, but I figured I'd better check. I checked my e-mail, and then looked over the rest of my messages. There was one about a speech in Renovo on Friday.

I walked back to Michelle. "What's your schedule like Friday? I've been asked to go talk to a kids' class in Renovo."

"I can get home to be with Paul."

"Okay." I went back to my messages. And I found a good one.

I went out back, where Paul was bouncing on the trampoline with a couple of his friends. They taken the garden hose to make it wet and slippery, because it wasn't already unsafe enough. I called the kid over to the edge.

"You're home!" he said.

"Just got in. Listen, little man, got big news."

"What?"

"Fifteen years ago, I worked on a project. It had to do with a Civil War submarine that sank in 1863. This was called the Alligator. There was a prototype model, smaller, that sank in New Jersey, and people have been looking for that, too. They may have found it."

"And you helped find it?"

"I helped."
"You can't even find my machete."

"I did some of the research that helped with this. My old friend Alice contacted me. They found some sort of big metal thing in the right river, and they're trying to raise money to get the equipment to find out more. It might be the Alligator Junior, and I helped with the research on that."

"Cool."

"Here's the thing---The guy who designed this thing, Brutus Devilleroi, lived here in Clinton County for a while. When I worked on this project, the government was convinced he made his money here. He lived up near Kettle Creek for a year and a half, and there's no record of him owning any businesses. When I looked into this fifteen years ago, I came up with the theory that he may have discovered a lost silver mine up there---There's documentation that there might be one. And now, they may have found the Alligator Junior, and my research went into that." I grinned. "And that, kid, means that we're involved."

I got into work in the afternoon, and checked my e-mail. I finished up a research job involving an article from 1940. I tried processing books. But no matter what I did, my mind was already pretty much up in Noyes Township with the lost silver. Finally I gave up pretending, and started working on that a bit.

I refreshed my memory on some of the stuff I'd dug up fifteen years ago. I started by checking Linn's History to confirm the silver, and I found that without too much trouble. There was a long paragraph about a man who'd seen the Native Americans up in the north end of the county canoeing down the Susquehanna with packs full of silver that they'd pulled from someplace. He'd searched for it throughout a couple of townships, but never found it.

I had a memory of Devilleroi living in what was now Westport, right where Kettle Creek met the Susquehanna River. The 1862 map confirmed that one; he'd been staying at a place owned by Colonel A.C. Noyes, and I was able to locate Noyes's place easily enough, right where I remembered.

Then I laid out an old warrant map on the table in the PA Room and started studying it to chart out where Devilleroi had owned. That's what I was doing when Chris came in.

"Hi, Lou. What's up?"

I looked up from the map. "I'm reopening the USS Alligator."

Chris is one of the few people I can open a conversation with in that way. "Really? What's it been, ten years?"

"Fifteen. I was called in on the Alligator in 2009. But there's news---They may have found the Alligator Junior."

"Was it off the coast of North Carolina?"

"That's the big one. This one was the little prototype, and they've detected a mass of metal in the correct river in New Jersey. They're raising money to study it further, and this brings back the question of the lost silver."
"You proved that, didn't you?"

"Fifteen years ago, I studied the land Devilleroi owned, and realized it was the same place where there were legends of a lost silver mine. The silver has actually been documented in Linn's, so it's not like it's just a rumor. Devilleroi was supposed to be lumbering the area, but there's no real record of him actually doing that. The government is convinced that he made the money here in Clinton County, so I came up with the theory that he may have found the silver."

"What minerals would form with silver?" Chris asked.

"Quartz, for one. Silver tends to piggyback on other minerals, so sometimes if you find quartz, you'll find silver."

"Is there quartz up in Noyes Township?"

I grinned.

"That's what I'll have to find out."

At the end of my shift, with nothing better to do, I decided to do a deep dive into the possibility of silver in Clinton County. I'm not a geologist, and only have a basic understanding of the principles, but I am one hell of a good local researcher. So I went to the index.

I found more than I expected. Looking up "silver" in the index gave me a lot of newspaper articles over the years. Some of them, I was able to dismiss as being too far away geographically for my purposes. I copied down the date of the earliest I could find----1871---As closest to Devilleroi's time. I got the microfilm and rolled it to the date.

It was about finding silver in Beech Creek Township and Centre County, which wasn't where I needed to be. But I was encouraged---It was possible to find silver.

The next one I looked at was from 1936, and more comprehensive than the first. It involved silver in several possible areas, including Elk and Potter Counties. I checked the map--Elk and Potter were both reasonably close to the area I needed. If there were reliable deposits in Elk and Potter, it was a reasonable guess that there might be traces in northern Clinton, too. 

So my target area, extrapolating off this article, was both Keating Townships, plus Leidy, Noyes, and possibly Chapman. And I wasn't getting there very soon to do a full-scale exploration---But in the near future, I was getting there.

The after-school program was in a church in downtown Renovo. I went in, and the instructor, Donna, gave me a hug. "Did the driver find your place okay?" she asked.

"Oh, yeah," I said. "Everything went smooth." Shockingly, I am at the point in my career where sometimes they'll send a vehicle to pick me up.

"Thanks for doing this," she said. "It's National Paranormal Day, and I thought you'd be a good program for today. The kids are all excited."

"Glad to be here. Thanks for inviting me."

I set down my bag, and the adults organized the kids and got them sitting down and passably quiet. The kids all seemed to be around six to eight years old. I stood in front of the bunch. "Hi, guys. Today is National Paranormal Day, and I'm a paranormal investigator. Does anyone know what 'paranormal' means?"

Hands went up. "It means ghosts." "Something you don't understand." "Stuff that's weird."

"All technically correct," I said. "Paranormal means things that we can't explain yet, like ghosts. I brought some equipment to show you, and my ghost-hunting outfit. You want to see my ghost-hunting outfit?"

Cheers. I was already wearing my uniform, so I dug into my bag and pulled out the vest. I put it on. One of the kids asked,"Isn't that heavy?"

"Kind of, yeah. You should see my other one. But you get used to it. Oh, can't forget the gloves."

I pulled out the gloves---I'd forgotten that with this vest, I'd brought the fingerless armored kind instead of the usual ones with the skulls on them. One of the kids asked,"If you hit a ghost with those gloves, would it hurt?"

"Would hitting really be the best way for the ghost and me to solve our problems?" I did a quick spin and showed off the vest. "It carries all my equipment, like this---Here's an EMF detector."

Excited chatter from the kids. They'd seen one of these before someplace. I demonstrated the detector, and the laser thermometer, and played them back an EVP. Passed around some of the equipment and let them take a turn checking it out.

The kids were clearly having a good time with all of this. I showed them how to make trigger objects and set them up. Then, while they were distracted, I slipped out for a moment.

Renovo is in Chapman Township, right by the border of Noyes. So it's pretty much centrally located to the northern part of Clinton County, which, geologically, is convenient. I walked south, heading for the river. In Lock Haven, the river is always north of you. In Renovo, it's south.

I thought about the last time I'd worked on the USS Alligator. It had been the winter of 2009, and I'd been called in by the NOAA to research. I'd been working for a local museum then, with a somewhat tyrannical boss and a teenaged assistant. Paul wasn't born yet, and Chris was still a couple of years away from showing up and becoming my best friend. LHPS had only formed a few months previously. 

I'd pulled all of the files from the courthouse, deeds, legal papers. For a while, I'd deepened the mystery, until I'd come up with the realization that Devilleroi had owned the same land as the stories of lost silver. I'd actually hiked up into the forests in the north part of the county to search for it, and found a couple of caves that showed some potential. I'd wound up getting mentioned on a national radio show on NPR for this stunt, which had been my first time on NPR but not the last.

Fifteen years ago.

I was conveniently already in my outfit. I walked across Huron Avenue, the main road through Renovo. Nothing to see here; just a guy in a military-grade tactical vest taking a walk across town. Renovo isn't that big; in a minute I was at the river.

I climbed down the bank. On a geological level, to test, the Susquehanna would probably be the least disturbed place, at least for my purposes. I got out a piece of litmus paper and tested the water, which turned out to be very mildly acidic. I poked around in the dirt, coming up with a few handfuls of dirt and stones. I sifted through, looking for something that wasn't just generic rock.

People are under the assumption that paranormal investigation is just going out and doing some exciting sitting around while the ghosts arrive. Television has a lot to answer for. To really be doing it right, you need at least a basic understanding of biology, chemistry, history...and geology.

After a little while, I found a white, sparkly stone. Quartz. I tucked it in my pocket, then climbed up the bank and headed back.

I slipped back into the room, where the kids were setting up their trigger objects. I said,"If you check these on Monday, you never know, they may have moved. You might have found something."

"Thanks for doing this, Lou," said Donna. "The kids are having a great time."
"Glad to help," I said.

 I sat in my office, digging through my old files. I'd been piling up folders full of information since 2006, and I'd had most of them organized into a box upstairs. I found the Alligator file from fifteen years ago and looked it over.

I was going to need to do more digging; add some documentation to it. This file had been compiled by a much younger guy, far less experienced. I'd done the best I could with it at the time, but I was fifteen years more experienced by now. Reopening the file again this summer, I could do better.

Paul came up the stairs. "Mom says it's almost bedtime, Daddy."

"Okay. I'll take the dogs out before bed. You remember the submarine job, with the lost silver?"

"Yeah."
"I took a few samples today. I found quartz and acid. That means it's possible there's actually some silver up there."

"Cool! Are we going to look for it?"
"Over the summer, yeah, I think we are. Maybe when I go up to do my annual talk at Hyner this year."

"Fun."

I walked out into the hallway. "See this poster, kiddo?"

Paul looked at the USS Alligator poster I'd had hanging in the hall for his entire life. "Yeah, I know that one."

"I got this during the last round of research. It's actually about all I got paid for that job. I made a lot of progress on this last time I looked into it. This summer, we're gonna do it again."

"Cool!"
I smiled. "Get to bed, kiddo. I'll be right with you."

Mister Lou Goes To Washington

"How long until we go to Washington?" Paul asked.

"I think....three weeks?" I said. "That feels about right. April thirteenth."
He checked the calendar. "Yeah, three weeks. How come it says 'DC' on the calendar?"
"That's what they call it. America has two Washingtons. One is way out west. It's where Bigfoot originally comes from."

"Whoa."

"The other is closer to us. That's where the government is. It's Washington, District of Columbia, and that's why they call it 'DC'."

"Okay."
"I've been doing a little research," I said. "They say the Capitol might be the most haunted place in the world. There's a curse there, and some ghosts of presidents, and at least one Civil War ghost, and some other stuff."

"Tell me about the curse."

"I'm going to have to check that out, and explain it on the bus."
"Okay." Paul picked up his Hulk shoulder bag. "I'm gonna get packed."

The fun part of these trips is, well, you get to go on a trip. The downside is that my family has to get up at four in the morning to meet the bus at Michelle's workplace at six AM. This affects me a bit less than the rest of the family; I can go without sleep more than they can. Paul brought his favorite blanket to sleep on the bus.

To most people, the bus trip is something you have to sit through to get to the actual destination. I'm not like that. I enjoy riding the actual bus just about as much as being at the tourist destination. I used the time to read up on the ghosts of the Capitol a bit, and rearrange some stuff for the trip.

"The Capitol is said to have a ghost cat," I told Paul, sitting across the aisle. "There are several old presidents haunting the place, and probably the guy who designed it. Turns out he was a failed necromancer who tried to bring George Washington back to life."

"Cool," said Paul. "Can I have a Slim Jim?"

I dug into the bag I'd brought, filled with snacks, crayons, and paper. This was not my first rodeo.

I was expecting to get put through security at the Smithsonian, and I'd prepared accordingly. I'd switched out my usual Swiss Army Knife for a much cheaper model with a blue handle, which would the  be left in my pack on the bus. I'd replaced that with a small plastic multi-tool, which had a compass and thermometer, signal whistle, and magnifying glass. It would serve the purpose. I'd taken off my Bigfoot multitool keychain and replaced it with a plastic keychain Paul had made for me.

It wasn't the first time I'd be off my own territory and have to improvise equipment. As the bus rode through the darkness, I rearranged my small shoulder bag to include a first aid kit, camera, map of Washington, and after some consideration, I included an EMF detector. Let the feds confiscate it if they had to.

I ran a quick test, turning the K2 on as we passed through Liverpool. There's an old story about a haunting there; a dead man found in a tree. The K2 lit up to red in about the right place, which was about the most sensitive test I was going to get flying past on a bus at seventy miles an hour.

As we pulled into Washington, Paul looked out the window and was fascinated by the sights.

"Look, Daddy!" he said delightedly. "An ice cream truck! And there's tacos!"

"We're gonna see food trucks around all day, kid," I told him.

We disembarked at the National Mall, by the Smithsonian Air And Space Museum. I was wearing my ghost symbol sweatshirt and my new customized LHPS windbreaker. It had my name on the front and the LHPS logo on the back, and it looked official as hell.

"First stop is the Washington Monument," I said. "Now, Pipper, when I was about your age, my dad posed me for a photo that made it look like I was a giant and leaning up against the monument. We're gonna do that same thing."

"You told me that, but I don't understand how we're going to make me look giant," said Paul.

I grinned. "You'll see."

When we got to a distance from the Washington Monument, I stopped. About the same spot I'd posed, by my estimation, though I was working from memories that were over forty years old. I said,"Here, kid---Stand about here, and hold your hand up like this. Good. Now just give me a few seconds of holding still."

I maneuvered around with the camera for a moment, and then snapped the photo. Paul said,"I want to see it!"

I showed it to him, and he laughed. "That thing is gigantic!"

"Oh, yes. There's a law in Washington that no building be built taller than the Washington Monument."

The kid continually goggled at the monument as we approached. The nice thing about the National Mall is that you can pretty much see right across it---It runs from the Capitol to the Lincoln Memorial, and it's all within view. I took a moment to glance at the Capitol.

The United States Capitol Building. So much history. Some people say it's the most haunted spot in the country. And I'm here! Somehow, amazingly, I'm here.

We reached the path leading to the monument. I said,"Paul, I know you've heard this on my tours. Right around here, there's a little Washington Monument called Benchmark A. It's buried under a manhole cover, and it's the central point to the whole government mapping system. It's got data connecting it to three points in Lock Haven where there are benchmarks---The post office, the old train station, and the Civil War Monument."

I stopped at the edge of the grass, looking out over the field. Michelle said,"Go ahead. I know you want to."

I walked out into the grass, looking for the manhole. Around sixty feet in, I found it.

"I want to see," said Paul, catching up with me. 

"Here it is, kid," I said. "I've always wanted to see this. Benchmark A."

We walked down to the Lincoln Memorial, and then hooked around and went back in the other direction. I'd attempted to plan this out so we could do a circle with a minimum of walking, though there was still a fair amount of trekking involved.

"Look, kiddo, that's the White House. Joe Biden lives there."

"I feel sorry for him. So did Donald Trump."

"Yeah, but every president gets to decorate the office his own way. I'm sure Biden removed all traces of Trump."

"Can we meet Joe Biden?"

"Probably not---He's busy, but we can send him an e-mail later."

"Okay!"

We walked down to the Smithsonian Museum of Natural History with some help from the map I'd printed out. As we walked in, we went through a metal detector and then security guards waved us the rest of the way through. They didn't even check my bag. If I'd known it was that easy, I'd have actually tried to smuggle in a pocketknife or something.

"I want to see shark teeth," Paul declared.

"Well, if there's shark teeth anywhere, they're in here," I said. "Check it out, Paul---Dinosaurs over here!"

We looked at the dinosaur skeletons for a while, and then wandered back into the ocean area. I saw a coelacanth on display, and said,"Look, Paul! A coelacanth! Do you know what that is?"

"No."

"These fish lived at the time of the dinosaurs! Everyone thought they were extinct until some fishermen pulled one up in 1938. It turns out they weren't extinct; they just hadn't been seen for a while."

"So they're still around?"

"They still are."

We wandered around the wing a while, taking everything in. Paul was impressed with the skeleton of a wooly mammoth; I think he'd learned about those in school. I saw a huge set of Megalodon teeth in a case, and I said,"Pipper. Check it out."

Paul gasped. "Shark teeth!"

"Big, prehistoric shark teeth. Do these count?"

"Yeah, they do!"

Michelle sat down for a rest while Paul and I walked upstairs. I said,"Oh my god! Paul! Look! It's an Easter Island head! Do you know Easter Island?"

"No....Is it an island?"
"Yeah, it's an island. There are these giant stone heads there, and nobody's sure exactly how they were carved or put up. It's a big mystery; it's amazing."

"Cool!"

"These are so neat. I've always wanted to see Easter Island. Just a second, I want to take a photo."

"Can you buy me a hot dog?"

"Yeah, when we get outside we'll find a food cart, okay? What's your favorite thing today?"

"The mammoth skeleton. Maybe also the escalator."

We had tickets for three PM for the Air and Space Museum, which Paul had also wanted to see. We got in a line that ran for half the block, but points to the museum staff---At three on the dot, the line began moving and was handled pretty efficiently. A similar line in New York would have taken half the day.

After, it was getting closer to pickup time, so we walked around to the Mall side, and dropped onto a park bench. Michelle and Paul were pretty wiped out. I was sweating a bit, but still doing okay.

"You guys rest a while," I said. "I'm gonna go over toward the Capitol and check for a few EMFs."

Michelle waved a hand. "Have fun," she said.

I walked down the path in the center of the Mall, getting closer to the Capitol building. As I walked, I got out my EMF detector---Not the all-in-one model, but the K2, which I'd figured would be the most effective and easiest to replace if I got tackled by the Secret Service or something. Again I'd overthought that----There were people walking dogs, playing sports, and doing all sorts of stuff. Nobody was paying any kind of attention to me. In Lock Haven I'd have been mobbed with people wanting to ask about gravity hills.

Washington. I love Washington. I always feel like I'm the only guy there who never ran for student council, but it's a neat place with a lot to see, much of the good stuff clustered within walking distance. 

My K2 lit up to yellow. Hunh. I stopped, turned around, took a few steps left and right. It was going yellow intermittently, in one spot. Good sign.

So there was some electric frequency there. I looked around. There were street lights, which meant there were underground lines someplace. I lowered it to the ground and it stopped.

I walked over to a lamppost and checked. It went up to orange, which was explainable. There was supposed to be electricity in this thing. Not in the middle of the field.

I walked back to the center and continued closer to the Capitol. In random spots, the field would shoot up to yellow with no explanation. There was some sort of signal here, but nothing I could explain away.

I walked up to the reflecting pool, checking the meter. I looked at the Capitol---The heart of our country, the center of government. And here I was, doing my thing.

When I got back to Michelle and Paul, she was sitting on the bench. Paul was running around and drawing in the dirt with a stick. I sat down beside Michelle. She asked,"Find anything?"

"Yeah, I got a spike to yellow. That's a good sign. There's definitely something going on there."

"Daddy, I invented a new game," Paul said. "You want to play it with me while the bus comes?"

"Sure, little man," I said.

The bus rode roughly north, heading home. Paul was watching his tablet, and I was looking out the window---I like to watch the landscape roll by. You never know what you might see.

I reach across the aisle and nudged Paul. He looked up. I pointed out the front, at the sign we were approaching. "Check it out, kid," I said. "We're back in Pennsylvania."

Paul grinned.

I watched the state go past as we went north, and it began to get dark. A little while later, I saw the signs for Gettysburg, and I got out my K2 meter.

As we passed into Gettysburg, arguably the most haunted community in Pennsylvania, it lit up to red. The meter flickered back and forth, but I was getting consistent and high readings.

I smiled.

Headed for home.