Where There's Smoke

"Who wants to make a wish?"

The morning sun was shining, and we were walking down the sidewalk: Me, Paul, and little Serina from next door. The neighbors down the street had put up a fountain in their garden, and we'd taken to throwing pennies in every morning to make a wish. I handed out two pennies, one to each kid.

They whispered their wishes to the pennies, and then tossed them in. Then they took off for the bus stop. I watched as they ran down the street.

"I wish for an interesting summer," I said, and tossed my penny in.

I walked into the charity building---It was an old building on Main Street, and I'd been doing some volunteer work there for a year and a half. I buzzed myself in with my key card and walked into the conference room, where Lacey was doing some work.

She looked up when I came in. "Lou! What can we do for you today?"

"I was hoping someone was available to give me a few lessons," I said. "Since I'm going to work the hotline while you guys are all at the staff retreat on Wednesday, I thought I could use some instructions."

"Oh, sure," she said. "I'll buzz Julie, and see if she's got a moment."

"Thanks. Thought I'd get this in before work---Our annual summer reading theme is kindness and diversity, and I have some programs to plan today. Gonna talk to Cheyenne about doing a couple of programs for me in August."

"I'm sure she'll do that. Got any ghost hunting planned for summer?"

I grinned. "Got a couple of trips planned with Paul. I'll be talking at Hyner View in July, and I figure I'll go after the Swamp Angel while I'm up there. And we're going to Lancaster County in August. Thought I might bring some of my equipment down here on Wednesday, and maybe check the building if it's a little slow."

"That's a good idea," she said. "We always get stuff happening in here."

"Well, the place was built in 1885, so you might figure. I know a couple of people have died in here. Besides, I have a new vest I need to field test. This will be a good opportunity."

The headline in the Express was "Wildfire Smoke Intensifies Across Region," and the story was by Laura and Ari. Smoke from Canada had blown south, and was covering a significant portion of the state. 

I got into the house after work, and Paul was on the couch. I said,"Hey, Paul, want to go out on alien patrol? You should see the smoke out there."
"Okay," he said.

We leashed up Butters and walked outside. As we walked down the street, I could see the haze under the streetlights, which were just beginning to come on. It was worse than I'd realized. Some of the mountains in the distance were barely visible.

"Wow, Daddy," said Paul. "How did this happen?"

"There's a forest fire in Canada, way north of here, that got pretty bad. The wind blew a lot of the smoke down this way."
"How did it start?"
"I don't know, probably because it got too hot and dry up there."

On the Bald Eagle Mountain, there's a kind of zigzag shaped rocky patch where trees won't grow east of Lock Haven. Pilots use it as a guideline to find the Piper Airport. For the first time since moving to Lock Haven over thirty years ago, I couldn't see it from the Hill Section.

"My god," I said. "Where's the Bald Spot? Where is the goddamn Bald Spot?"

I walked into the charity conference room in time at the tail end of the morning staff meeting. Everyone looked up when I entered. I was wearing my purple shirt with the rainbow Mothman on it.

"Shelter Dad's here to save the day," said Alyssa.

I laughed. "Shelter Dad? I may get that put on a T-shirt."

"Still smoking outside?" asked Juli.

"Man, I've never seen Lock Haven like this," I said. "There's smoke everywhere. You can't see the mountains from downtown."

"It's bad all over the county," said Cheyenne. 

"Yeah," Juli agreed,"I can barely breathe out there."
"You guys be careful today," I said. "I'll be here, answering the phones while you're gone."

"Thank you for doing this," said Alyssa.

"I'm glad to," I said. "Anytime I can help out. Brought my new vest and some of my ghost-hunting equipment, in case it gets slow in here. I'll check the building for ghosts in between calls."

Lacey grinned. "Call if you need us. We'll be available by phone. Otherwise, have a good day."

"You, too."

They all filed out, leaving me alone in the building. I closed the window to keep the smoke out. I walked around a couple of minutes, familiarizing myself with everything, and then opened my pack and unrolled the new vest.

I pulled it on, and slipped my equipment into the pockets. With my EMF detector, I walked through the building, checking for readings. I knew the first floor well, but I always got a little lost up above---I hadn't had the opportunity to spend much time on the upper floors. I walked past everyone's offices, watching to see if anything lit up on the EMF. 

I walked through the third floor---I'd been up to Lacey's office before. I looked out a window and studied the city---I could easily see the downtown area from up here, and the low-lying haze that was currently covering it.

I discovered the emergency stairs from the third floor, and walked down them to the back hallway. I wasn't getting any readings. 

I heard the phone ringing, and it occurred to me that I was missing the very thing I was there to do. I ran down the hall and picked up the phone, saying,"Hello, may I help you?"

"Oh, yes," said the woman outside. "I was hoping to make a donation."

"Oh, okay," I said. "I'll be right there."

I stepped out the door. The woman looked at me. 

"Oh my god," she said. "You're Lou."

"I get that a lot."

"I read all of your columns."

"Well, hopefully you're enjoying them."

"What are you doing here?"

"The staff always outsources to a local paranormal investigator when they're not available," I said.

After I collected the donation, I went back to investigating. This time I stayed a bit closer to the phone, just in case. I got a couple of flickers on the EMF, but nothing too serious. Maybe the constant smoke was keeping the ghosts quiet, too.

"Why are we coming up here?" Paul asked as Michelle pulled up at the top of Highland Cemetery. 

"I wanted to get a look from up above the city," I said. "This is about as high as I could think to go."

I got out of the car. I could see the Hopkins graves, Soldier's Circle, Shoemaker. I looked at the city, down below, and the smoke blocking out most of the usual view.

I climbed up the statue of Peter Meitzler, grabbing his right ankle for support. Looking out to the north, I could barely see the river. There was nothing visible anywhere.

Just the smoke.

I climbed down and got back in the car. Paul asked,"Are we done?"

"Yeah," I said. "Seen what I needed to for now."

Paul was taking his shower when Michelle called up,"Lou? Bre's here!"
I walked downstairs, and out the door. Bre was standing beside her car with the back hatch opened, and several huge cases of beer inside.

"How's Tami's campaign going?" I asked. I still had her purple political sign up in my yard.

"She's getting there. Doing surveys to see what people want in a candidate. Attending some community events."

"She has my vote. Do I want to know what's with a trunk full of beer?"

"Well, I thought you might be able to use these," said Bre.

I'm pretty sure my eyes lit up. "You thought right. Where'd they come from?"
"I'm helping out a nonprofit that was selling these. But they had to cancel when COVID hit, and now it's expired. They can't legally sell them now, but they didn't want to waste them."

"I can handle expired beer. If they've been kept at a consistent temperature, it really doesn't make a lot of difference."

"Well, they're all yours."

"Sam Adams, Blue Moon....Some of my favorites." I lifted a case out of her vehicle. "This is great. Just in case the smoke keeps me trapped in the house, I'm prepared now."

I biked downtown a few days later, in the blessedly much cleaner air. I parked outside the charity and buzzed myself in. Most of the staff was in the conference room.

"Hi, guys," I said. "Thought I'd drop by on my way to work, see if anyone needed anything."

"You gonna check for ghosts?" asked Julie.

I got my EMF detector out of my pack. "Well, I thought I might look around a bit. Finish up what I started the other day, you know?"

"Oooh, check my office," said Lacey. "Stuff moves around up there."

"Oh, great," commented one of the Hannahs. "That's nice to know for when I'm up there alone."
Sass grinned. "Go ahead, you have the run of the place. Let us know what you find."

"Thanks."

I walked down the hall, doing the usual thing with the EMF detector. It's my small all-in-one, and I switched it over to temperature for a minute, but then I didn't get much of a reading and switched it back.

I went upstairs, checked around the second floor for a while. Then I walked back downstairs, and into the kitchen area. 

And suddenly, in the middle of the room, the thing lit up.

All the way to red. I looked around, but there was nothing nearby that would explain it. No cords, no electronics.

I turned and walked back to the conference room.

"Find anything?" asked Juli.

"I got one hell of a spike on the EMF back in the kitchen," I said. "Could be something. Sometimes, when it's a public sort of building, I've known the ghosts to kind of lay low for a while before showing themselves to anyone new. Could be that's why I didn't see anything the other day. I think it's a case of that."

"So they're being shy," said Lacey.

"Yeah," I said. "But they'll get used to me."

I walked down the street with Paul, doing our nightly alien patrol. He had his flashlight out, and I was checking the skies for UFOs. Paul said,"The smoke's gone."

"It's gone," I agreed. "We had a couple of bad days there, but we've had some wind and rain, and that took care of it."

"Will it come back?"
"I doubt it," I said. "Most likely, we won't have to worry about the smoke anymore. Should be okay."

As we approached the house, Paul asked,"Can I stay up late with you tonight, Daddy?"

"Sure," I said. "Let's watch a movie together. And I think I'll have a beer."

Shell Game

When I went into the PA Room to look at the naturalization index, Claire was at work in there. Looking up at me, she asked,"How's it going?"

"Not great," I said. "I got a message from my sister over the weekend. My cousin Wendy died."

"I'm so sorry," she said. "Was it sudden?"

"Yeah. They don't know what caused it. They're doing an autopsy."

"Was she very young?"

"Much younger than me." I sat down across the table from Claire. "I've been a mess. I broke down and started crying during an episode of Battlestar Galactica this morning; how fucking pathetic is that?"

"Understandable. There are worse things to break down during."

"My mother died twenty years ago this month. On the fifth. So I've been a mess."

My phone buzzed, and I walked over and picked it up. "Hello."

"Hey, Lou, it's Chris."

"Hey!" This was a welcome call. "What's up?"

"You guys doing anything for Memorial Day?"

"I don't know, thought I might grill something."

"You want to come over? We're having some people. I'll be grilling, and we'll have some drinks. All you have to bring is a side dish."

"That sounds great. I'll tell Michelle. Hey, you mind if Paul and I bring our equipment and investigate your house? It's been a little slow lately."

"Sure, no problem. You didn't really think I'd say no, did you?"

"Nah, I knew you'd be okay with it. But I figured it's only polite to ask."

"You remember our house was owned by that guy who owned a seafood place on Grove Street, right? The one they called the Oyster King?"
"Yeah, I remember that. You wrote a column about it a while ago."

"Maybe you'll find his ghost."

"Or the ghost of twelve thousand dead oysters. See you Monday."

A few years back, Chris and his wife Kate had bought a house out in Woodward Township. It was a great place, with a lot of grass, and some garden area. They'd taken to having some nice holiday celebrations, and we arrived with my ghost-hunting bag and some Greek pasta salad.

Tif rolled into the yard near the picnic table, and Paul immediately found the sprinkler to play in. I picked up an iced tea and joined Chris near the grill. 

"How's it going?" he asked. "Making any progress on the Dent's Run gold yet?"

"Very funny. I did have a guy call me about the Joincaire gold last week. He saw one of my articles and wanted to know what other information I had. It never occurs to any of these guys that if I had information leading to a buried treasure, I wouldn't be writing about it for seventy-five dollars a shot."

"Hey, Lou, are you the guy who keeps referring people to me for Keating information?" asked Rich, a retired teacher from the Chapman Township area. "I get these calls from people asking all the time."

"Yeah, some of that probably did come from me," I admitted. "People call me about this stuff, and sometimes I need to send them to a specialist. I'm pretty good in general, but I have the whole county to memorize."

"Food's ready," said Chris. "Everyone gather round."

Paul already had a plate full of chips and watermelon. He added a hot dog and sat down on a bench. I got a hamburger and some pasta salad, picked up a Coors Light out of the cooler, and sat down with him.

"I'm sorry about your cousin Wendy, Daddy," he said.

"Thanks, little guy. I appreciate that."

"Your mom died in May, too, didn't she?"

"Yeah. Twenty years ago this month."

"I never got to meet my grandmother," said Paul. "Sometimes that makes me sad."

"Me, too." Though my mother would have been full of unhelpful and unsolicited parenting advice. "If you like, sometime later we can sit down and I'll show you pictures of her. I can tell you about her."

"Okay." Paul leaned over and hugged me, then kissed my cheek. He doesn't do that as much as he used to.

So I did what I always do when I'm a mess. 

"Hey, kid. After we eat, you want me to get the stuff, and we can investigate Uncle Chris's house?"
"Yeah."

After my hamburger, and another hamburger, and then a hot dog, I walked to the vehicle and got our black bag. I'd brought the big one, with both of our tac vests in it. I hauled it back and set it on the bench.

Paul and I pulled on our tac vests. I was wearing my T-shirt with all the cryptids in America on a map, and I zipped the vest over it. One of the guests, Jeremy, said,"Now, those are pretty neat."

While Tif was taking a photo of Paul, I said,"This one is pretty carefully curated. In past years, I tried everything---Bags, belts....Finally I discovered these. I have a UFO version, and a couple of travel models. This one has all my equipment, and custom-made patches to show where I put things." I lifted the flap on the pocket for my EMF detector, showing the blue lettering saying EMF.

"That's pretty cool," said Jeremy. "Is that velcro?"

"Yep!" I tore it partway off to demonstrate. "So I can change them around if necessary."

"Well, that's pretty neat."

"Hey, Chris!" I called. "We're gonna go check your house for ghosts, okay?"

"All yours," Chris called back. "Go nuts."

"Cool! I wanna look for ghosts!" said a kid playing with some of the beach balls.

I waved my hand. "Sure. Come on."

"No." His mom waved him over. "You just let them do what they do, okay? Leave them alone."

"But mom---"

"No. You leave them alone."

The kid trudged off. I said to the mom,"I actually don't mind if you don't."

"We don't get into that. Because of my faith---" Oh shit. "---I don't want him opening those doors and letting something through."
It doesn't work like that, not even remotely, but I have long since given up trying to educate these types. I said,"Come on, Paul. Let's go find some ghosts."

We went into the house. We'd been there before, plenty of times, mostly for Halloweens and Independence Days. We'd never investigated, though. So holding our laser thermometers and EMF detectors, we moved through the first floor, checking for readings.

"Uncle Chris has been doing a lot of work on the house," I said. "So you know how that can sometimes stir up ghosts."

Paul nodded. "Yeah."

"No temperature fluctuations yet. No EMF readings. Uncle Chris has been doing a nice job on the wiring."

Chris came in behind us. "Hey, guys. Are you recording yet?"

Chris knows how it works. "Nah, not yet. Taking some readings."

"We have some activity in this corner." Chris pointed to the southeast corner of the first floor. "And the cat is always staring at that corner. The cat is probably behind that curtain right now."

I aimed my thermal imager at the window, and saw the small eat blob curled up behind the curtain. "Yeah, she's there."

With that, the cat came out, took one look at us, and escaped into the other room.

Chris laughed. "I'll leave you guys to it."

He went back out to the grill. I turned to Paul. "You want to investigate the basement? It's probably cooler down there."
"Yeah. Let's check the basement."

We wandered down the stairs into the basement, checking with our equipment. I said,"I'm getting a temperature drop over there. In that corner."

Paul checked with his EMF detector. "It goes to orange, Daddy."

"Yeah, we got something."

The cat came down the stairs behind us, and sat on the steps watching us for a moment. I said,"Well, aren't you cute?" and walked over to pet her. She sat and let us pet her for a moment.

When we got back outside, everyone had gathered around the picnic table. I unzipped my vest---I hate it that way; it looks stupid, but it was hot out---And I got another Coors Light. I sat down in one of the lawn chairs.

"Find anything?" asked Chris.

"We're getting some readings in the basement, on the corner near the exterior door."

"This one here?" Kate gestured toward the corner of the house. I glanced over and saw the basement door, covered with a tarp, which I'd missed before.

"Yeah. that's the one."

"The woman in the house died on the second floor in that corner," said Kate. "Her funeral was held on the first floor, in that corner."

I looked over at the house.

"Now, that's interesting."

I held up a fist to Paul, and he fist-bumped me.

The festivities were over, and it was late. I was sitting on the couch downstairs, with Emily the hamster running around in her cage. Probably Ida around, too---Chris wasn't the only one living with a ghost. I was trying to get through Battlestar Galactica again.

"Daddy?"

Paul was coming down the stairs. I said,"Aren't you supposed to be in bed?"

"I can't sleep. The dogs keep moving around."

"Want to hear about your grandmother?"

"Okay."

Paul sat down beside me, and I got out our wedding album. I flipped to a family photo.

"There she is. My mom. See how she's helping Mommy with her wedding dress? She sewed that dress. It was actually the last thing she ever sewed."

"Is this Uncle Jon?"

"It is. But he doesn't have his beard in the photo." I turned to another page. "Here, kid. That's my cousin. Let me tell you all about your family."

Dying On The Roof

It was Tuesday. The kind of Tuesday that falls between a Monday and a Wednesday. I was at my desk with four shots in me. One was lead, and the rest were espresso. And then she walked in.

She was Hispanic, with eyes as dark as my coffee. I set aside the detective novel I was reading and looked up at her. She had the look of someone who wanted something from me.

And me? I'm a paranormal investigator. My name is Lou. 

"Hi, can I help you?" I asked.

"I want the history on my house," she said.

"Oh, I can help with that," I said. "Here. I have a handout on how to learn all that. You're going to have to go to the courthouse and look through the deeds. Now, it's easiest to start with the assessment record---"

"The courthouse?" she asked.

"Well, technically the courthouse annex, on Piper Way. The Register and Recorder's office. That's the best way to get started---"

"I don't understand why you can't just give me the history on my house," she said.

"Well, because it hasn't been compiled yet. That's your job. This is how you find that stuff out. The deeds give you the names of who owned it, and when...."

"I'm not interested in the boring stuff. I want the trauma, the things that happened there."

"This is how you get that," I explained. "This tells you who owned the house. The trauma didn't happen to the house---It happened to the people in it. Once you have their names, you come in here and find their obituaries and cemetery records. And that tells you a lot."

She looked me over. "You seem to know a lot about this."

"It's what I do," I said. "I'm doing it soon for an investigation I have coming up. Haunted houses, you know. That fun stuff."

I walked into the courthouse annex and piled all my stuff in the plastic tray. Once I got past the security guard, I went up to the Register and Recorder's office, where all the documents were. The exciting life of a ghost hunter.

"Hi, Lou," one of the county employees said when I walked in. "Haven't seen you in a while."

"I don't get in as much, now that you guys moved across town," I said. "I should make an effort to stop by more often."

"What do you have going on today?"

"We're investigating the home of one of our team members, for practice. I'm going to do a title search and find out who's most likely to be haunting the place."
She nodded. "How's Paul?"

I smiled. "Paul is eight now. He's in the third grade over at Robb."

"Third grade already? He was just a little baby."

"Yeah, he's been growing. These days he does paranormal investigation with me."

I started on the computer---The most recent deeds are digitized. If they ever put them all on the computer, I swear I'll retire. Two deeds in, and I reached the point where they were on paper, in the deed books. I'm always a lot more comfortable doing it that way.

I started with the deed to Tami and Bre's place, and worked my way backward. It's much easier to trace a property back in time than forward. This turned out to be a straightforward search until the late nineteenth century, at which point the information got a little tricky. I had to go to a will, and then over to the indexes to piece together the final couple of steps.

I buzzed myself into the nonprofit, and found some of the staff sitting in the conference room. Cheyenne, Juli, Hannah, and the one I needed, Lacey.

I handed her a couple of forms. "Here you go, Lacey. Brought these down for you."

"I didn't expect them so quick," she said, and started filling them out.

"Gave me an excuse to get out of work." I sat down at the table. "I'm giving my haunted tours next weekend! Hoping to make some money for this place."
"I'm excited," said Hannah.

"You'll like this," I said to Lacey. "We're investigating Tami's place Saturday night."

"Yeah?" asked Lacey.

"You're into this, too?" asked Hannah.

"I'm the case manager," said Lacey.

"I just did the title search the other day. The place was built about 1869, and as it turns out, it has connections to two high-profile murders."
"Really?"
"Yeah! Isn't that great?"
Hannah seemed slightly nonplussed at the idea that I would get this excited over a couple of murders. "What's been going on there?" she asked.

"Footsteps, doorknobs rattling at night, something was on the roof recently."
"On the roof? What would a ghost be doing on the roof?"
"You never know, with ghosts."

"Did someone die falling off the roof?"

"Now that you mention it...Not that roof, but a fifteen-year-old who lived in the house died when he fell while he was painting Beck's Hotel. I hadn't thought of that until you said something."
She grinned and made a sort of "There. See?" gesture at me.

"I'm gonna have to bring my helmet and get out on that roof," I said.

"Don't get yourself killed," said Cheyenne.

"I didn't die in the tunnel last week; I'm not gonna die on the roof."

Early Saturday evening, I got out my equipment and got packed. I put on my uniform, tactical vest, and skull gloves, and tugged on the boots with skulls. I've had worse Saturday nights.

I love it when the investigation is near my place. I pulled my bag over my shoulder and walked down the street to Tami's. Her wife, Bre, let me in, and the dog, Boscoe, got all excited. I love Boscoe. I knelt down and gave him a hug.

"Got your ceiling repaired," I said. "Classy!"

"Cool boots," said Bre. "Where did you get those?"

"Amazon," I said. "I should not be allowed to have an Amazon account."

"I think that's most of us," said Tami.

"Can you tell the ghosts to knock it off?" Bre asked. "One of them was rattling my bedroom doorknob the other night."

"We can try," I said. "I can't guarantee."

The doorbell rang, and Heather came in. Boscoe immediately went nuts again.

"Where'd you get the awesome boots?" asked Heather.

I grinned. "Amazon. I spend way too much time on Amazon."

"Perfect for ghost-hunting, though."

We all tend to seek out people who understand us. It's why cops mostly spend time with other cops, doctors socialize with other doctors....And me? Well, the best friends I've got are people who will drop everything to look into a haunted house.

Tami began shoveling her equipment into her pockets. She complained,"I need an equipment belt."

"That's pretty much how the vest got started," I said.

"Your tactical vest?"
"Yeah. Way back at the beginning of my career, I tried everything---Belts, bags, packs. Finally I settled on the vest as the most efficient way to carry all my stuff. My vest has enough pockets for me."

Bre and Boscoe left, and the rest of us got prepped for the investigation. I asked Tami,"Is there anywhere that's a hot spot? A central location with a lot of activity?"

"Upstairs hallway," she said.

"Let's get started," I said.

We all walked up to the second floor. EMF detectors out, laser thermometers ready. The cats chased the lasers as we walked. The upstairs hallway was tight, and right away I could see that it had all been sectioned out from several other rooms.

We sat down in the hall. I propped myself against one wall, and set down my recorder. Heather was already starting the intro, so I just clicked on my recorder and let it run.

"Tami's house, upstairs hallway, March eighteenth at 7:22 PM. Heather."

"Tami."

"Lou."

"Is anyone here?"
"Can you tell us your name?"

It went on like that for a while, us asking some low-key questions. The smaller dog, Penny, trotted out into the hallway with her toy, and we took turns tossing it around for her as we did the EVPs. 

"I'm going to run for city council," said Tami.

"Really?" I said. "Way to go, Tami! You'd be the first paranormal investigator on city council. Also, as far as I know, the first lesbian."

"You have my vote," said Heather.

Then Tami's EMF detector, sitting on the floor, shot up to red.

"We have EMFs," Tami said.

"Getting photos." I turned and snapped several shots along the hallway. I frowned at my camera. "I'm already losing battery power, and I know I just charged this."

"Isn't that a sign of a haunting?" Heather asked.

"It might be."

Tami moved onto the stairs, checking with her EMF meter. It lit up in several spots, and I asked,"Are there any wires near there?"
"Shouldn't be. And look, this is not near any walls---It shouldn't be detecting anything out here."

"No, it shouldn't," I agreed. "We have activity."

I stood in Triangle Park, taking five dollars apiece from people. I had a pretty big crowd gathered for my tour---Tami and Bre were there, with Boscoe, the Hispanic woman doing the research on her house had shown up, and a few other people I knew. Plus a whole bunch that I didn't.

I pocketed the money, and stepped in front of the crowd. And as I stood in front of everyone, I had a moment of calm, and I felt something inside surge, like it always did. 

"Thanks for coming, everyone," I said. "You all ready to hear about some ghosts?"

Above And Below

I looked up, and there she was, coming in the door to the library. It had been a while since I'd seen her, since she'd left the team. SaraLee.

I gave her a hug. "Good to see you," I said.

"You, too," she said. We walked back to my desk and sat down.

"So what's new and exciting?" she asked.

"Well, got a UFO sighting. My buddy Chris forwarded the photo to me. A local politician spotted a UFO over Saint Agnes Church, a blinking light that moved."

"Was this recently?"

"Monday," I said.

SaraLee nodded. "Any theories?"
"People are suggesting the Starlink satellite, but there's a tracker for that, and the times don't match up," I said. "And it's the wrong direction for the International Space Station. Paul and I spotted that a couple of years ago. So I'm gonna look into it."
"Cool."
"Oh, and I get to explore a tunnel," I said.

"Ooh, cool. Tell me about the tunnel."

"The radio station guys just bought the Simon Scott Building. Used to be a speakeasy during Prohibition. In the basement, they found a tunnel. It goes north under Main Street, so I get to crawl on in and find out how far it runs."

"You taking anyone with you?"

"I didn't really want to risk anyone else getting knocked out or buried."

SaraLee nodded. "Good point."

"So what's new with you lately?"

"Well, I joined another team," she said. "I was with Interstate, but there was too much drama. We went out to Indiana to do an investigation; furthest I've gone so far."

"That's cool," I said.

End of the workday. I was at my desk, on my cell phone with Mark the Shark, a local radio personality. I was saying,"I've discovered some interesting things about the tunnel, Mark. You thought it might be from the speakeasy days, which is logical. It doesn't appear on the Sanborn Maps, which means it was probably kept a secret. If it goes all the way across the street, it would come out in the restaurant across from you, which used to be the Odd Fellows Hall---It's very possible the two groups teamed up to get around Prohibition laws."

"Well, we'd like to send you in to see how far it goes," said Mark. "When's good for you?"

"Tuesday morning, just about all day Wednesday," I said. "What works for you?"
"I can be down Wednesday about one," he said. "Meet you in front of the building?"

"I'll be there."

After work I rode over to Saint Agnes Church, where the UFO had been sighted. Always visit the site if you can. I stopped in the parking lot, and looked the scene over, comparing it to what I remembered from the photo.

Nope, not quite---That outbuilding is in the photo. Gotta back it off to the hotel parking lot across the street.

I biked over, and stopped at the hotel. Now I was seeing the scene from the photo. I stood for a moment, considering which way was north, west, what time the sun would have been going down.

So it would have been moving roughly northeast. It was sunset, but the sun would have been shining from....Over there. That direction. 

I stood, picturing it, trying to imagine the whole thing. Taking myself through it, one step at a time, thinking about the UFO and what it meant.

After a while, I got on my bike and headed home.

Michelle parked the car and we walked down Bellefonte Avenue. Paul had his little friend Serina from next door with us. I explained,"Tonight is an event at the local coffee shop for the Democrats. Some of the people running need everyone to sign papers so they can run for office. We're going to stop by and sign them, help out the good guys."

"And I want bubble tea," said Paul.

We walked into the coffee shop. The mayor, Joel, was with his band playing onstage. Tif was there, listening, and Paul ran up to hug her. Tami and Heather were there. I gave them a hug, and signed Tami's petition for city council.

I saw the county auditor, and I moved through the crowd and up to her. I said,"I'm gonna find out what that was you saw."

She smiled. "It was about seven-fifty at night, after a meeting. I was with a former county commissioner and we saw two lights---One was blinking, in a line, and the other was squiggly."

"Going northeast, I think? How fast?"
"Yes. Very fast."
"I'm looking into it."

Serena came up to me, with Paul behind. She looked toward the band. "Paul says that's the mayor."

"Yeah," I said. "He's a friend of mine. Want to meet him?"

She gasped, obviously impressed. Joel finished up the song, and came over to us. He shook Paul's hand. "Hi, Paul. How are you?"
"Good," said Paul. "I'm in the third grade now."

Joel grinned. "That's great."

"Joel, this is Serena. She lives next door to us. She's new in Lock Haven."

Joel shook hands with her. "Hi, Serena."

Serena stared at him, her jaw hanging, as if she was meeting with One Direction or something.

"It's okay, kiddo," I said. "You can talk to him."

"Wait until I tell my mom I met the mayor!" she said.

Hearts were coming down, and shamrocks were going up. Zach was behind the desk, changing the monthly decorations. I walked over and picked up a stuffed leprechaun.

"Barb got that last year," said Zach. "She thought we needed more leprechauns."

"This is the only new staff member we can afford," I commented. "Gonna put him to work on desk shifts."

"Well, he will be constantly by the desk."

I crawled under the desk, holding the leprechaun up above desk level. "Top o' the morning to ye," I said in an Irish accent. "What is it that I can be doin' for ye today?....Wait, did someone come in?"

Zach was laughing. I came out from the desk to find a woman standing there, watching the leprechaun, amused. "That was our representative," I said. "What can we do for you?"
"I need a library card," she said.

I let Zach handle that, and slipped out the back door. I got on my bike and rode down to the Simon Scott Building.

For a moment, I looked at it from the front. Old place, built in 1854. it had been a private club for around a hundred years, and recently put up for sale. I walked around the building, getting a sense of it, and ended up back out front again.

I turned and looked across the street. Assuming the tunnel went far enough, and didn't dead-end, and stayed in a straight line, it would end up connecting to the basement of the restaurant across the street.

I walked over and went inside. A bored-looking waitress stood up from the counter and said,"Can I help you?"

"Got a weird question," I said. "Does this place have a basement?"

"Not that I know of," she said. "There's a crawlspace, I think, but I've never been in there. We rent the building, so we don't really have access down there."

I nodded. "Okay. Thanks."

I walked back across the street and stopped at the local hot dog place, the closest thing Lock Haven has to a citywide cuisine. I bought two of the chili dogs and ate them as I walked back to my bike. 

So this told me that there had probably once been a basement, but it had likely been filled in after the 1972 flood. I was making a couple of logic leaps here, but there was some experience backing it up. So unless the tunnel turned, it was likely that I was going to get in there and dead-end after a certain distance.

But if it turned, that was another story, and could be interesting. I made a mental note to add a compass and my laser measurer to the equipment I was bringing in.

Most people think it's pretty exciting to spend the night in a haunted house. This is probably more true if you don't do it every night. Granted, I still get all excited when I'm invited to someone else's haunted house. But every night, once Paul and Michelle are in bed, it's just me and the ghost, up watching movies. And sometimes the hamster.

Emily was running on her wheel when I started researching. I sat at the kitchen table with my laptop. The photo of the UFO looked like a satellite---Everyone was saying that. After some searching, I found a website that listed satellites and when they were visible. I fed in the information for our area---They didn't have Lock Haven, but they did have Williamsport, which was close enough---And started searching.

People think that paranormal investigation is just running around with a camera, more or less. Most people don't get what's involved if you're doing it correctly. In addition to the ridiculous amounts of equipment, you need to research astronomy, geology, biology, history, and all sorts of other areas, because you never know what's going to tie into the paranormal at any given time. 

It took me a few minutes, but I found it. There was a satellite called SL-16 R/B overhead and visible at exactly the time our county auditor had seen her light. The squiggly light nearby was easy enough to explain---A phenomenon called "satellite flare" where the sun reflects off the actual satellite, causing an extra light in the sky and often confusing people. 

"Got it, Emily," I said to the hamster. Then I slipped her a blueberry, her favorite thing.

Figured out the UFO.

Next up, the tunnel.

In the morning, it was a two-hour delay for school. Paul got to sleep a little late, and then jumped out of bed with Butters and Rosie. I had some coffee, and then Michelle and Paul headed out the door to the bus stop, and I grabbed my bag and biked downtown.

Mark the Shark met me at the Simon Scott Building, and unlocked it to let us in. He said,"We have plans to renovate this place and make it a community center. I'd like to see it restored to some of its original historic look. We'd like to get it back on the National Register."

"My advice is to do all the repairs you need to before applying," I said. "There's more wiggle room if you get everything done, and fewer hoops to jump through."

The building was grand, with huge, decorative hallways and elaborate doors. He led me through a couple of them, and down a dark wooden staircase.

"This is the basement," he said. "There's the tunnel."

It was a curved alcove in the wall, with three steps in the floor leading down into it. Beyond that, just darkness.

"Let me get my stuff," I said.

I dug into my bag and began pulling things out. I have a selection of tactical vests---There's my LHPS one, my big deluxe general-adventure one, one vest for UFOs specifically, and one that I usually leave empty just for basic use. I'd taken that last one and filled the pockets with everything I could use to explore a tunnel. I pulled it on, with the fingerless gloves, and then a helmet. I got out my rechargeable lantern and clipped it to my belt.

I stood up, and turned on the lantern, then took a couple of steps down the stairs.

Then I went in.

The floor was dirt, covered with broken bits of wood. I watched carefully to avoid stepping on a nail---I was glad I'd decided to wear my steel-toed sneakers. The lantern cast my shadow on the wall as I walked.

The tunnel didn't go back very far---It dead-ended after twenty feet. I examined the wall, which seemed to be made of the same stuff as the rest of the tunnel. That suggested they were created at the same time. Shining my flashlight on it, I looked it over carefully. At the very end, in the ceiling, was a sort of shaft. It went straight up from the tunnel, then dead-ended in corrugated metal.

I climbed up the wall a couple of feet, to justify the helmet. Reaching up, I tapped on the metal. It was solid, with no give and no echo. Covered in concrete on the high side. 

I dropped back to the floor and took a few photos. At an educated guess, having actually seen the place, this was less a tunnel than an old furnace room or something. Which was still pretty fascinating.

SaraLee stopped by work again that afternoon. I gave her a hug and said,"It's good to see you. I put in that ILL request for you."

"Great. Thanks. Just got back from Eastern State Penitentiary on an investigation."
"What's that, your thirteenth time?"

"Something like that. I met a few new people, and had a good time. How are you doing?"

"I explored that tunnel this morning."

"I was going to ask about the tunnel."

"Seems to be a remnant of the building from when it was first built, an old furnace room or something. I found what may have been a coal chute leading up from it, but it was all blocked off."

"Still. Fun to explore, though."

"Yeah, it was."

"You and me need to go on an adventure soon. Find a haunted cemetery or something."

"Yeah," I said. "That'd be good."

Public Entity Number One

"Want to help me catch Al Capone?" I asked Tif.

"Sure," she said. "You know he's dead, right?"

"That's never stopped me before." I was working on cooking hamburgers for dinner. "So, Paul, you want to help me find the ghost of a prisoner?"

Paul shrugged. "Sure," he said casually. This kind of thing is nothing new to Paul.

"When we go to your mother's annual company holiday party, we'll be staying over in Lewisburg," I explained. "Like we usually do, though they haven't held a party out there since 2019. At the time, I investigated the Susquehanna Mystery Thing, but I just did that last summer, so I got something else in mind. Not too far from the hotel is the Lewisburg Penitentiary, which is thought to be haunted by Al Capone, who was locked up there for a while. Jimmy Hoffa was there, too, but we'll never find him. No way we're getting too close to the prison, but I think we can get some readings at a distance."

"How do you figure you can do that?" Tif asked.

"I'm working on a plan."

I was sitting in the break room at the nonprofit I help out with, wearing my purple Bigfoot shirt. I'd become more of a presence there, and had started helping last year in small doses. Over time, I'd gotten to the point where I could just drop by and hang out.

I was with Lacey. 

"I'll have the forms for the investigations for you soon," she said. "I'm going to call the client tonight."

I nodded. "Good. Thanks. I can swing by and pick everything up when you're done. Oh, I'm going to customize a shirt for you."

"Oh, thanks! Do I owe you anything?"

"Nah, I've discovered you can customize just about anything on Amazon. Mine has the team symbol with my name above it on the left side, but there's no reason yours shouldn't be different, if you want."

"No, that sounds good," she said. 

"I was thinking about doing your name in purple, instead of the usual white, because it's the color of this place. What do you think?"
Lacey grinned. "Yeah, that makes sense." She took a drink of her coffee. "Busy morning in my office today. I'm exhausted."
"I can sympathize; I've had those days. Hey, you'll like this. Want to hear about the ghost of Al Capone?"

"Of course I do. Tell me about the ghost of Al Capone."

"My wife has her company party in Lewisburg next weekend. She's running the thing, so she'll be pretty busy. This means that I get to sneak our on a little side quest. The party is not too far from the Lewisburg Penitentiary, so I might be able to do a little investigating."

"Al Capone is haunting Lewisburg?"

"Some sources say he is. I figure I'll get as close as I can without getting arrested----Obviously I can't get into the actual prison. And I'll take what readings I can get from there. Oh, and here's the cool thing."

Lacey drank some more coffee. "Tell me the cool thing."

"I get to provoke."

"Provoke?"

"You know how, on the TV shows, there's always some yokel who shouts really terrible things at the ghosts? We don't do that, mainly because, well, it's rude. The ghosts are people, just regular people, and you don't want to go into their homes and say mean things to them. Like, one of the ghosts haunting this place is a baby."

"And you don't want to be ignorant to a baby."

"No. But I don't have a problem being mean to a convicted mobster in prison. My compassion has limits, so this once, I get to break my own rules and provoke."

"That's cool."

"It's going to be an interesting investigation. I'll let you know how it goes."

It was cold---Yeti-supporting cold---When we got to the hotel in Lewisburg. We pulled in and got out of the car, and I elbowed Paul and pointed across the parking lot. "That way's west."
He nodded. "Okay."

"Your equipment is in the secret pocket of my backpack. We'll plan for about seven o'clock."

"Got it."

We were in Room 126. Paul loves hotel rooms; he immediately began examining the beds, the shower, and everything else---He's considered hotel rooms to be recreational since he was three. Tif dropped into a chair and dropped her crutches beside it, and Michelle settled on the bed. I set my pack down and pulled out a library book.

I tend to keep a bag ready to travel at all times, and when I need it, I just throw a few clothes in, and I'm ready to roll. It's easier. I'm the guy who stays prepared for everything, and my family has gotten used to that.

"Do you have a scissors?" Michelle asked me. "I need to cut up our tickets for the door prize."

I handed her my pocketknife, and then dug into my back and got the spare knife out of my survival kit. Michelle began cutting up her tickets as I repacked the bag. I transferred my alcohol flasks into my coat pockets.

"Did you actually bring a flask again?" Michelle asked.

"I actually brought three flasks."

"You know you get two free beers at the party."

"If I have to party with your co-workers," I said,"Two beers isn't gonna get me through the appetizers." That's my brilliant system---The flasks are the things I let my wife catch me doing, so she doesn't suspect I'm sneaking off to find ghosts. I glanced at Paul. "This is not a healthy coping mechanism," I said. "Learn nothing."

Tif glanced my way. "If you don't have a good time at the party, Dad, why do you always go?"
"I find stuff to do. Besides, I'm the spouse. I gotta be there. She's done it enough times for me."

"Well, that's true," admitted Tif.

I left the room and walked around the hotel for a while, checking things out. Helped myself to a cup of the complimentary coffee in the lobby. I always try to ask the locals for information, so I stopped at the desk and asked,"So, I have a weird question....Do you know of any good ghost stories around the area? Haunted houses?"

The girl shook her head. "No, I don't know any."

"Oh. Well, thanks anyway."

I walked back to the room. When I got in, Paul looked at me accusingly. "You left without me."

"Didn't know you wanted to go along." I walked over to the window. I said,"Paul, check here."

Paul pointed. "That way is west."

"How do you know that?"
"You showed me outside."

"But you didn't lose your bearings when we got inside. Very good, little man. Very, very good." Paul impresses me with this sort of thing all the time. He's a very bright little guy, but until he says something like this, I forget how smart he really is, for eight.

"I want to go swimming in the pool," Paul said.

"Give me a minute," Tif said. "I'll get my suit on."

"We'll be heading to the party soon," said Michelle. "Give me a call if you need anything."

The theme of the party was "Flannel and Frost" for some reason. I've never understood why a party has to have a theme in the first place, but Michelle and I had dressed for the occasion. She was wearing a red flannel shirt. They'd got the wrong dad for flannel; my father would have been all over this. Not having any flannel shirts myself, I was wearing my Yeti sweatshirt and figuring that would cover the "frost" part.

We'd been going to Michelle's annual company holiday party for as long as she'd worked for the company. It had outgrown at least three locations before, and was now held in an event hall near Route 15 in Union County. Michelle pulled the Prius around to the back of the building, and we got out. The temperature had dropped even further.

There was a big hill behind the hall. I said,"I wanna see how far this goes," and ran up. It overlooked the Wal-Mart below, and the greater Lewisburg area further on. I could make out the prison in the distance. It would be perfect.

I walked back down to Michelle. She led me to a door on the back of the building. "We can go in here," she said. "Through the back kitchen."

We went in, and into the event hall. The tables had been set up, and everything was in place. Michelle joined a couple of her co-workers who were running this thing, and I did the spouse thing, which was mainly to hang around unnoticed. All according to my master plan.

The staff got the appetizers out, and everyone went to gather some up. I went to the bar and scored my first beer. I asked the bartender,"You know any good ghost stories in the area?"

She shook her head. "No, haven't heard any."

I have never seen a city full of such disinterested people in my whole life.

I checked my watch. Almost seven. I went and got the extra car key out of my coat pocket, then walked back to the kitchen door and slipped out the back.

It was freezing out. I ran to the car and opened the back hatch. I had a gym bag in there with everything I'd need. I pulled out my new packable black vest---It was designed for cold weather, but would fit into a small stuff sack. I put it on and zipped it up. I pulled my new hood on, and my wool gloves. My camera and my all-in-one thermometer and EMF detector went into the pockets.

It was cold; I estimated that I had ten minutes, tops. I ran to the top of the hill. Slipped just a bit---All that planning, and I'd worn the sneakers with no traction. I made it to the top. The wind was blowing hard up there, and I stood above Lewisburg as the sun went down.

Showtime.

"You there, Capone, you twerp?" I said softly. "Come on out, you son of a bitch. You think you're so tough, you untouchable bastard? Gonna make you an offer you can't refuse. Bring it on."

I got out the all-in-one, and held it out in front of me. The readout showed the electromagnetic fields, which looked about standard. I watched as the temperature climbed from thirty-one all the way up to forty.

Forty? It hasn't been anywhere near forty degrees all day!

The temperature held at forty for a moment, and then dropped back down, into the twenties. That was interesting.

I went back down to the car, pulled off the vest and repacked it, and slipped back in the door through the kitchen. One of the other husbands saw me sneaking in.

"You back there hassling the kitchen staff?" he asked.

"Just had to get something out of the car," I commented. "Well, I guess it's time for another beer."

We got back to the hotel room around nine. Tif was reading her book in the corner, and Paul had taken the dollars I'd left for him and hoarded candy and chips out of the vending machines down the hall. I gave him a hug.

"You have fun?" I asked.

"Yeah!"

"He went swimming for like an hour," said Tif. "Then he got a ton of candy out of the machine and squirreled it away under the pillows."

"Any luck on the investigation?"
"Yeah," said Paul. "We got a reading!"

"It was the thing on the nightstand, there," said Tif.

"The green lights," Paul said. "They went to red."
The EMF detector.

"But not near the outlets," Tif said.

I nodded. "Good work. I got a weird temperature reading, so it looks like this worked out. Nice job."

I gave my son a high-five. Michelle saw my padded vest lying on the bed, and said,"Hey....What's this?"

Dead And Gone

I was in the middle of work when I heard the thud.

It was a loud thump, in the northeast corner of the old section of the library. Nobody else was there. Out of curiosity, I stopped what I was doing and walked over. I couldn't see any immediate visible explanation.

I got my laser thermometer and my EMF detector out of my pack. I usually have a few pieces of ghost-hunting stuff on me. I walked around, checking with the EMF detector. It lit up several times.

The thermometer went up several degrees in the corner. When I moved it over the leather chair, it gave a sharp rise, and then died down again. I nodded.

A moment later, I walked past the front desk, saying calmly to Zach,"We got a ghost in the corner again."

Once a month, I go to a meeting with the Lock Haven Paranormal Seekers. We discuss some business and have a few snacks, and it has the net effect of giving me friends to talk to so I don't kill anyone. I think the rest of the team would agree. 

I sat at the table with Millie, Ashlin, Heather, and Tami.

"We have an investigation," I said. "In September when I gave the haunted tours, a family came and requested us. Some of this got pushed to the back burner after I had COVID in October, but they're still up for it, if we'd like."

"Hell, yes," said Heather. "I'm in."

"I'm open," said Tami.

"I'll talk to them," I said. "They're down on East Main. I checked out the house---The place was built in 1881, and the wife of the original owner died in 1890 at age forty-nine, probably of the flu. I haven't been able to find an obit for her yet. Or, for that matter, a grave."

"Interesting," said Heather.

"I'll see about getting a date for this," I said. "Let you guys know when the client is open. There was another place in Bellefonte that wanted us, but they backed out. I was pretty sure they were dealing with a malfunctioning remote anyway."

"Don't you hate that," said Millie.

 I sat down in the break room with Lacey and Nessie. I'd been helping out with a local nonprofit for a year, and I was getting a bit more comfortable dropping by the place. The staff seemed to be getting used to me, too, which was helpful.

"Lacey, I wanted to talk to you about the team," I said. "I know it's been tough for you lately, and you haven't been able to show up much. What would you think if I put you in charge of my paperwork?"
"Sure," said Lacey. "I could do that."

"It would be a big help. I'd appreciate it, because I'm crap at paperwork. We have an investigation coming up on the seventh, and it would help if you could do the intake interview and fill out the forms for me. That way, you're still a member and contributing to the team, and you can show up whenever you're available."

"I appreciate that," Lacey said. "I really want to be on the team."

"Well, I want you on," I said. "How are you guys doing down here?"

"We're pretty good," said Lacey. "A lot of donations have been coming in."

"That's good. Call me if you need anything."

"Will do," said Nessie.

Again, I buzzed in at the door. I had a key to the nonprofit by now, but I still preferred to follow procedure and have the staff check me in whenever I could. Most of them were sitting in the break room, having lunch.

"Hi, guys," I said. "How's everything going?"

"We got the heater fixed," said the director.

Outside in the hall, I could hear the heater banging. "This is fixed?" I said. "Good god. Seriously?"
"Oh, yeah, this is an improvement," said Juli. "It's a lot better than it was."

"Maybe I need to crawl down in the basement and check for ghosts again," I said. "That's probably not the issue, but it's all I know how to do. Is Lacey around?"

"Sure," said Cheyenne. "Just call her with the phone. Her extension is twenty, I think."

A minute later, Lacey was down with the paperwork. I looked it over.

"Good lord, Lacey. Tell me you didn't spend hours making this look nice."

"Nah, I just wrote it down."

"Her handwriting is just like that," said Juli.

"When I do these, it's full of scribbles and abbreviations," I commented. "This is a work of freaking art. By the way...." I handed her a handful of LHPS business cards. "Hand them out when you like. I get these by the thousand pack."

"You get your own business cards?" asked Juli, amused.

"They're the team's," Lacey said.

"Good for publicity," I said. "I gotta get back to work. Call me if you need anything down here."

I was outside my place on the sidewalk when Heather pulled up in her Jeep. I was wearing my LHPS uniform, skull boots, black jacket, and my new hood for warmth. I tossed my equipment in the back and climbed in.

"We picking up Millie?" she asked.

"Yeah, we'll meet Millie and Ashlin over at her place. Then we'll head down to the investigation. The house is old, real old, so this ought to be interesting."

We took two cars down; Ashlin and Millie rode behind Heather and me. When we got there, the client Natasha, was already waiting out on the porch.

"Thanks for coming," she said.

I smiled. "Thanks for having us. Let's get our stuff dropped off."

The house was, in fact, really old. Looking at the structure, I could tell it was 1800s of some era. I dropped my bag on the kitchen floor---I didn't used to be the guy who brought the most stuff, but that's how it goes. The kids---There were at least four, all early teens---Filed into the room to watch. I got out my folder and set some documents on the table.

"This is for you," I said. "That's the history I could dig up on the house. Looking at the interior, it may be even older than the 1881 on the survey form. This is the confidentiality form. We'll respect whatever confidentiality you choose. We can never mention this again, or use some of the information but protect your identity, or we can talk and write about it as much as we'd like, depending on your preference."

"We don't care who knows," said Natasha.

"Check line three."

"Are there any hot spots in the house?" Heather asked. "Anywhere you get more activity than anyplace else?"

"Well, right in here," said Natasha. "And a couple of the bedrooms upstairs."

"Okay, let's split up," I said. "Millie, I take it you'd like the kitchen?"

Millie grinned. "Yeah, I'll stay here."

"We'll do a session here in the kitchen," I said. "Then we'll split up and go upstairs. Millie and Heather can stay down here, and Ashlin and I will take the bedroom. For starters."

"That works."

"Okay, let's get the works---Photo, audio, temperature, EMF readings." I pulled on my tac vest---The big deluxe one with the alien patch---Skull gloves, leather bracelet. That scene in the superhero movies where the hero gets all dressed up in a montage.

 I said,"Check it out---Monsterologist is selling Phoenixville patches now, with the Blob. Had to get one for the vest; it's where I was born."
"Cool," said Heather. Sometimes I even bore my own team.

The nice thing about my vests is that all of my stuff is in easy reach. I pulled out my thermal imager and moved it around the room, checking for anything out of the ordinary. I could see the red blobs of heat where people were sitting, and the darker blue squares of the windows. Nothing else. I put it away and got out my EMF detector.

"We had some flickering on the kitchen lights," said Natasha. "I got that on film a few days ago."

"Good, we'll check out the kitchen, too," I said. "Everyone get to work."

We spread out through the dining room, checking everything with the EMF detectors and thermometers. I snapped some photos with my small camera, out of one of the tac vest pockets.

"I think a lot of it may come down to the history of the house," I said. "This is a very old place. The Historic Resource Survey Form shows that it was built in 1881 for Silas and Deliliah Masters. The thing is, I can't find any record of their death or burial. There's supposed to be an obit for Delilah, who died in 1890, but I can't find it. There's no record of them being buried anywhere in the county. It could be they're in Great Island Cemetery."

"Is that the one from the tour, that was moved?" Natasha asked me.

"Yeah, it was moved in 1918. Given the time frame, they could be there, and have been some of the graves that were missed. Delilah was only forty-nine, and given that there's no further record of her, that could explain the haunting right there. She wants to be remembered. It all comes down to what I found...And what I didn't."

It was Lacey and Alyssa, this time, who answered the door. I went in and pulled a handful of pocket calendars out of my pack.

"You guys got any use for these?" I asked. "My wife had them left over after a work event, and told me to find a way to get rid of them."

"Oh, yeah," said Alyssa. "We can always use planners. Leave them on the table, and we'll help ourselves."

"I'll take this one right now," said Lacey.

"Lacey, would you like to help with evidence review?" I asked. "I didn't think of it before, but it's another way you could help us on your own time. I can send the evidence to you, and you could help us check for anomalies."

"That sounds fun," said Alyssa.

"Yeah, I'd love to help," said Lacey.

"Great! I'll send you some photos."

Lacey grinned. "How did the investigation go the other night?"

"Pretty good, actually," I said. "Lot of activity on the EMF detectors. I'll tell you all about it."

Merry Cryptid: The 2022 Christmas Special

The puppy bounced around in the grass while I strapped the trees on the car. He was a tiny Mini-Goldendoodle, a couple of months old. My brother sat on the grass, watching with some amusement.

"He's funny as hell," commented Jon.

Paul, holding the puppy's leash, said,"We just got him. Rosie wanted a friend. His name is Butters."

"Good name." Jon glanced at me getting the second tree strapped down. "Two trees this year."

"I've been working with a local charity. For some reason they elected me vice-president a while back. I promised them a tree for their building."

"That's cool," he said. It was our annual Christmas trip to the farm. Paul always enjoyed going to visit, and Butters seemed to be having a good time with it, too. I was having a bit of a slower time since Resurrection Casey had graduated and left, but it was good to see the farm.

"Butters likes this," said Paul.

Jon nodded. "You want to bring him out here in the summer? You guys can work for me."

"Yeah!" said Paul. "How much?"

My teammates Tami and her wife Bre were having an ugly sweater party, and my family was invited. I have an ugly Christmas sweater that puts all the other sweaters to shame. It shows a blinged-out Santa in sunglasses carrying presents, and has a front pocket that perfectly fits a can of beer, if you want one on Christmas morning. I was wearing it as we walked into the house.

I gave Tami a hug. "Make the Yuletide gay," I said.

"Thanks for coming."

'Thanks for inviting us. Michelle made buffalo dip."

"Want a drink?" Bre offered.

"I'd hate myself if I didn't try one of your Grinch drinks," I said. "Let's go with that."

"We had the sound of the exterior door opening and closing the other morning," said Tami. "I thought it was the kid leaving for work, but as it turns out, they were still here."

I grinned. "We'll have to investigate. I just treated myself to a new thermal imager for Christmas, and I've been looking for an excuse to try it out."

"Oh, cool! What does that do?"

"It shows heat sources, sort of like infrared. I'll bring it to the next meeting and show you. It's really pretty cool, and I think it can be used for all sorts of applications---Ghosts, UFOs, cryptids."

"All the cool stuff."

"It can be used to check the insulation in your house, too," added Bre.

Tammy and I looked at each other. It's hard to be married to a non-investigator. "I mean, if you want to be all practical about it," I admitted. "But I'm not gonna pretend that's why I bought it."

I used to hate being in classes, and as an adult, I've been kind of glad those days are behind me. Then technology came along and fucked that all up, too. I was sitting in the kitchen, taking a required class on my laptop, when Paul and his little friend Serena came in, followed by Rosie and Butters.

Serena is in Paul's grade, but is tiny by comparison. She'd moved in next door in October, and ever since it had been a near-constant run on playdates and sleepovers. Both were in their pajamas tonight.

"Serena wants to know if we can teach her to ghost hunt," said Paul.

I smiled. "You're into that?"

Serena nodded. "I think that's really cool."
"Why not?" I said. "Let me get my stuff."

I pulled my tactical vest out of my office and put it on. Paul got into his. Serena said,"You guys really wear those?"

"When we're hunting ghosts, yeah. They're good for keeping all my stuff in the pockets. This is the laser thermometer, and this is the EMF detector. What we do is to find different readings, and then check to make sure it's nothing explainable."

"You guys have a ghost here, don't you?"

I nodded. "Ida Yost. She was seventeen when she died on our back porch."

"That's so cool. I wish my house was haunted."

"Okay, Paul," I said,"You want to show Serena how to do an EMF session?"

So there I was, eating lunch in a closet.

Lately I'd been doing that kind of thing. Not really in the mood to risk doing something extreme like socializing with my co-workers, I'd been slipping off on my lunch break to some of the most remote and unfindable places in the building. I knew them all---Hidden staircases, crawl spaces, and unused offices. Today I'd chosen the second-floor closet in the old part of the building, which I was also using to stash some of my program materials. So I sat among the art supplies, yarn, and a stuffed lion I'd saved for some reason, eating my sandwich and pickle, reading Salem's Lot.

When I was done and went back downstairs, a message was waiting on my computer. A woman who'd been on one of my tours a couple of years ago. I read it, and then considered.

When Chris came in a few minutes later, I was up to my elbows in old maps and cemetery books.

"Don't let me interrupt," he said.

"You know how it goes," I said. "Got a possible Wendigo sighting."

"Wendigo....Refresh me."

"The Wendigos were believed to be cryptids, more or less, by the Native American tribes of the north. They were thought to be created by very cold winters, when someone had to commit cannibalism to survive."

"Really cheerful career you got there."

"Well, it's one of those things where they were seeing something, cryptid or not, but their interpretation was colored by their fears. Like the Jersey Devil. These legends come from Maine, Michigan, Wisconsin, where even in the good winters you were at risk of having to eat somebody."

"And somebody saw one of these locally?"

"A couple saw one while they were staying in a cabin at Pine Creek."

"And you're not concerned you might get eaten?"

"My bloodstream is basically coffee. I can't imagine I'm part of a healthy diet. Thing is, Wendigo or not, they saw something. I gotta figure out what."

"You ever deal with a Wendigo before?"

"A few years ago, in Chicago, I got a bit of a crash course, but I wound up investigating ghosts and stuff instead. I've known about Wendigos, but never had an investigation. I've always wanted one."

"It's a Christmas miracle," said Chris.

It was a rainy Wednesday afternoon when the phone rang. It was Tif.

"Hey, Dad, the staff down here wants to know if they should cut the bottom off the tree stump before they put it up."

"Yeah, at this point they probably should," I said. "About half an inch will do; doesn't have to be too much."

"I'll tell them. Thanks."

Five minutes later, the phone rang again. 

"Dad, the staff can't find a saw. They want to know if you can cut it for them."

"Tell them I'll be down in ten minutes."

A little while later, I pulled up in front of the building with my bow saw. I buzzed in, and Lacey led me to the backyard, where the tree was propped. She said,"Sorry to bring you all the way down here in the rain."

"It was a pretty slow day anyway, until this. You know you guys don't have to make my daughter call me; any of you can ask me for help."

Lacey grinned. "We figured she knew the number."

I took a few minutes and got a pretty good cut in the stump, then carried the tree into the building. "Where do you want this?"

"Up front," she said. "Let's put it in the office. You want to stick around for our potluck lunch?"

"I don't want to take your food, but I'll hang out with you guys for a while," I said. "I'll tell you all about my Wendigo investigation."

It was twenty-one degrees when I put the kids on the school bus, and not warming up much. I had my heaviest coat on, the one I kept around in case of a Yeti attack. Paul nd I had been taking Serena down to the bus stop since she'd moved in, saving her mother a step each morning. Serena's mom was just coming out her door as I walked past on the sidewalk.

"Hi," I said.

"Oh, hi," she said. "Hey, since you're here, I wanted to ask you something. Are you guys going to the Santa shopping at the school tonight?"
"Oh, yeah, I was just talking to my wife about that. We're taking Paul."

"Could Serena ride along with you? I want her to have the opportunity to buy presents, but I can't take the two little ones out that time of night."

"Oh, sure, I don't see why not," I said. "While we're at it, would you mind if we took a little ride afterward? I want to go over to Pine Creek."

"Oh, sure."

"This next part is where it gets weird....I'm investigating a cryptid sighting."

"Cryptid....?"

"Like Bigfoot or something."
"Oh, she'd love that. What time are you leaving?"

"About five-thirty."

"I'll have her ready."

"Guys, we've had a Wendigo sighting out this way," I said. "The Wendigo is a creature the Native Americans believed in, with big horns and glowing eyes. Someone out here thinks they saw one, so we're gonna check it out." I figured it was probably best if I left out the cannibalism details around the eight-year-olds.

The back of the car was filled with purchased Christmas gifts and two excited kids. There wasn't a lot more space in the front, where I had my backpack and my cryptozoology kit. I was wearing my gray ghost sweatshirt and my black adventure jacket.

"It's dark out here," observed Serena. "Do you always do this in the dark?"

"Not always," said Paul.

"We've hunted Bigfoot at high noon," I added.

"But sometimes in the dark?" she asked.

"Sometimes."

"Do you ever get hurt?"

"Well....It happens," I said, at the same time Paul said,"Yeah." I concluded,"But we try to avoid that."

Michelle turned and pulled into the foresty area off 44. She said,"You guys go. I'll wait in the car."

"Okay, guys," I said. I opened my car door and slung my crypto kit over my shoulder. "Take the night vision binoculars and the thermal imager, and check around the edges of the field."

The kids and I spread out across the snowy field. I'd taught them how to use the equipment, so I let them at it while I took some photos. Paul said,"Here's footprints!"

I knelt down and looked at them. "You know what these are? A rabbit."
"Really?"

"Yeah. You can see where he hopped around with his back and front feet. Good eye, though---I'd have missed them."

"There's different prints over here," said Serena.

I looked. "Now these, I can't identify. I'm going to take a photo to check them out later." I got out my pocketknife and laid it down beside the print. "See, what you do is to put something common, like my knife, down beside the print. That way you have a good sense of the size in the photo."

"Ah, I see," said Serena, interested.

"Allright, guys, we've checked enough, and it's cold," I said. "Let's get in the car."
"No!" Paul protested. "A few more minutes!"

"Okay," I said. "Since you're having fun. Few more minutes."

I walked over and leaned against the car.

Michelle rolled down the window. "Find any Wendigos?"
"In a manner of speaking," I said. "Work with me here. This was territory of the Seneca and the Susquehannocks, an Algonquin offshoot. They're the ones who believed in the Wendigo. Now, like the Thunderbird, they were likely seeing something. Whether it was an actual cryptid, or an animal that they mistook for one, they had reports of this thing. Now it's not impossible for some animal to follow Pine Creek down from the north. We have rabbit prints, and where there's prey, there's predators. So it's pretty likely my client saw something that's not supposed to be here---A large, unfamiliar animal, or an actual Wendigo."

Christmas dinner.

I sat at the table with Paul, Michelle, Tif, and Biz, while Butters and Rosie ran around on the floor, hoping something might drop. We'd exchanged presents---I'd gotten a couple of pairs of thermal socks, a bar of Bigfoot soap, and a new canteen. Good year.

"Got everything I wanted," I said. "Including a Wendigo investigation."

"Generally when people see a Wendigo, they don't see another one," said Biz. "Or much of anything else, either. Ever."

I grinned. "Well, you never know. There was a couple who saw something out there."

"But Bigfoot still eludes you," said Tif.

"Well," I said,"The new year's coming."

An Apple A Day

"I hope there's Albatwitch T-shirts at this thing," I said. "I'm definitely getting a T-shirt."

"Me, too," said Paul from the back of the car.

"I'm sure there will be T-shirts," said Michelle. "Which way do I go?"

"Stay on 441. And then turn right into the Columbia River Park. That'll get us to the Albatwitch Festival."

"I want to see an Albatwitch," Paul said, trying to bring up a photo of one on his tablet.

"The Albatwitch is like a mini-Bigfoot," I said. "They stay smaller than you. And they like to steal apples from nearby orchards. They're often spotted in the forest near the festival."

Michelle turned, and we pulled into the festival, which was much bigger and busier than I thought it was going to be. We drove down the path to the parking area, which was beside the forest.

I climbed out of the car. 

"Okay, kid," I said. "You want to help me bait an Albatwitch?"

"Yeah," said Paul. "What are we going to do?"

I opened the trunk. "I brought apples," I said. "Normally with cryptids, you don't know exactly what to use as bait, and you have to make a few guesses. With an Albatwitch, though, we already know they like apples. This gives us a good opportunity."

Hand in hand, we walked together into the forest until we found a muddy spot by the path. I set the apple down, and said,"Okay. We're gonna come back later and see if anything disturbed the apple, and maybe left us some prints. For now, let's leave this here and get to the festival."

I sat at the small table, a couple of stacks of my books in front of me. I'd had fifty of each printed up for the occasion, and had figured I could recoup the money by selling a dozen copies. The day before leaving, I'd discovered that our outdoor table was not going to fit in the Prius, so I'd grabbed my son's My Little Pony table and a blanket to cover it with. 

Paul got back, and sat next to me. "I'm back," he declared.

"Where's your mother?"

"She went to get hot dogs. She's coming."

"Long as you didn't wander off."

"Have you sold any books yet?"
"I have not."

"When is your speech?"

"In about an hour."

Michelle arrived back, and tossed us each a T-shirt. "I got you guys shirts," she said.

I looked at mine; it had the official Albatwitch symbol on it. "Hey, cool! Thanks!"

"After this, we can check in at the AirBnB and get something to eat," Michelle said.

I nodded. "And tomorrow, little man, we're going to take you to an ice cream museum."

"An ice cream museum?" Paul said, delighted.

"Yeah. Turkey Hill ice cream is made around here. They have a kid-friendly museum that we're going to before we head home."

"Any sales yet?" Michelle asked.

I looked at the two boxes of books still waiting underneath the table. "Well, it looks like I'll have plenty of Christmas presents for everyone," I said.

"I'm still hungry," said Paul.

"Come on," said Michelle. "I'll buy you another hot dog."

They walked off, and I went back to not selling any books. I was trying not to get too discouraged.

A young guy with a beard was near me on the sidewalk. "I gotta ask," I said. "Where'd you get the Squonk sweatshirt?"

He grinned. "Got it on Etsy," he said. "You know the Squonk?"

"Oh, yeah, my son wants to find one and cheer it up."
"Yeah, everyone wants to nurture a Squonk. I'm surprised so many people here know the Squonk."

"It's not one of the best-known cryptids, but in this crowd, there's gonna be some people who recognize it."

"True. Where'd you get your shirt?"

I  was wearing my black LHPS uniform. "It's custom made, but I get a lot of them on Amazon."
"LHPS."
"Lock Haven Paranormal Seekers," I said. "Up in Clinton and neighboring counties."

"Cool," he said. "I just joined Harrisburg Area Paranormal."

"Heard good things."

"Yeah, I was real picky about what team I wanted to join. I didn't want to get with a bunch of flakes, you know? I wanted someone who doesn't let their imagination run away with them."

I nodded. "Respect." I held out my hand. "Lou."
"Nick." We shook hands.

"Hey." I held out one of my books---Investigating the Paranormal. "On me. I like to encourage people who are doing it right."
"Man, I couldn't. Let me pay you. I can see you're collecting for someone with cancer...."

"My neighbor, Ellie."
"Let me make a donation."

"Okay. Fair enough." Closest thing I'd had to a sale all day. "I'm giving a talk in about twenty minutes in the building if you'd like to attend."

"I'll be there. Thanks."

As Nick walked off, Michelle and Paul got back. I looked up and saw someone in an Albatwitch costume walking past. I stared for a moment, delighted.
I looked at the Albatwitch.

The Albatwitch looked at me.

And I can't fight this feeling anymore.....

I've forgotten what I'd started from before....

I said,"Mister Albawitch! Time for a picture?"

"I'm actually a female Albatwitch," said a female voice from inside the mask.

"Oh, Sorry. Hard to tell with the fur...."

"Oh, sure."

I thrust my camera at Michelle. "I gotta get a picture."

We stood together, and Michelle took our photo. At least I could say I'd seen an Albatwitch.

....Baby, I can't fight this feeling anymore.

"....And the Giwoggle is the official monster of Clinton County. It was described as a sort of hybrid werewolf, with the hands of a bird and the feet of a horse. You can get Giwoggle t-shirts these days if you know where to look. For those of you who are pulling out your phones to Google it right now, that's G-I-W-O-G-G-L-E."

I saw several people try that. I was standing with a microphone in the River Trails Center, giving my talk. I had a good crowd, about fifty people.

And I was comfortable. This was my thing. I'm not a salesman, I can't sell my own books. But talking about Clinton County's paranormal activity....That, I can do.

"The Giwoggle, the Susquehanna Seal, the Potter Nondescript....They're some of our local cryptids, a lot of what make the Pennsylvania Wilds great. Any questions?" I looked around at the room. Nothing. "Wow. Easy crowd. Well, I have a few of my books over there, if anyone is interested. Thanks so much for having me!"

A round of applause. I walked over to the table, where I had the boxes of books. A small crowd gathered around, looking them over. One guy handed me a twenty. "I want one of each," he said.

"Thank you!"

A couple of other people bought a book. Apparently all I'd needed was to stand up and do my own commercial. One woman asked,"Will you autograph this for me?"

"Oh, sure, though that always feels weird." I signed the book. I've had regular newspaper columns since 2008, and I've never really gotten used to that.

"Why is it weird? You're the author."

"Yeah, but me signing autographs. I mean, seriously. Who the hell am I?"

The AirBnb was a small cottage in a quiet, residential neighborhood. Paul was raving through the thing---He loves travel spots. He will explore any hotel room almost immediately. He'd discovered a small office space in the back of the building, and was using the desk to go through some of the extra amenities.

"There's a small cemetery up the road, little man," I said. "You want to go explore it with me?"
"Nah, I'm busy," said Paul. "Have fun."

I left the cottage and walked up the road a bit. Only a few houses down was the cemetery, which was much smaller than I'd expected it to be. I mean, a lot smaller. I was looking at the graves of four soldiers, plus one monument. And surrounding it was a parking lot. I explored the entire thing in ten seconds.

I clicked a few photos, and then took a closer look at the monument. It had a long list of names on it, and was labeled as the Mennonite Evangelical Cemetery. It was not quite clear, but seemed to imply that these people had been buried there in the late 1800s, and were still there, though the cemetery had been gone since 1971. Something I'd have to look into later.

The sun was going down. I smiled and pulled out the EMF detector. There was no way this place wasn't haunted.

After breakfast the next morning, we went to check on the apple.

Paul and I walked into the woods, and with some searching, we found the spot where we'd placed the apple the day before. It was still there, and hadn't been touched.

"No Albatwitch," I said. "Not this time, anyway."

Paul picked up the apple. "Can I throw it?"

"Sure, no reason why not."

He drew back and winged it down into the trees. I said,"Maybe something will eat it down there."

We walked back to the car.

"Anything?" Michelle asked as we got in.

I shook my head. "Nothing took the apple."

"Well, there were about a million people here yesterday," she said. "Probably kept it away."
"That's true," I said with some surprise. "Can't expect cryptids to show up around huge crowds. I'm gonna have to come back at a quieter time."

We started driving down the path.

"Next stop," said Paul,"The ice cream museum!"